KGirl - Movin' On and Out!

[labug]

Is it your role to show him the negative consequences of his actions? Is it the role you want to play in his life? His moral conscience.

Has your sister bought you other gifts in the past that you still have and that mean more than a clock?

[KGirl]

I know from reading here that it's not my role to create consequences for him. I also don't want to give in to everything he wants, though, at the expense of my needs or what would be fair. For as long as I've known him he has a hard time compromising, and it's been magnified during this process. I said before I would just give in to him because I was scared he would get angry or violent... I don't want to just give in to him when something is important to me. *sigh*. I don't know exactly where I would put this clock so I'll think about offering to bring it back to him if I can't find a place or a good way to hang it. To be honest my sister isn't much of a gift giver.. I'm trying to think of any type of gift she has given to me in the past, and the only things I can recall are wedding/shower gifts (including this one). She did put thought into it, she specifically went through what we hadn't been gifted already and picked something that I said I was most excited about. So maybe it's not so much about where it came from but the fact that it was something important to me, that I really wanted, and now I feel like H is trying to "take it away" from me for no real reason other than there'll be an empty spot on the wall. I actually like it for what it is, he just wants something to hang there. Grr. It's hard to do these business-type transactions when there are so many emotions floating about, especially the "we wouldn't have to be doing this if you'd just work with me" story.

[KGirl]

Well now I don't know what to do. When I think about trying to be a good person and leaving it with him it makes me sad and angry. But if I take it, will that hurt our chances of R, even if it's just a little bit, because he will think I am being a B? No choice seems helpful right now.

[labug]

I'm not saying to leave it with him, just be aware of what in you is driving this attachment to a clock.

[KGirl]

Thank you for your input, as always.

Today was moving day. And I already have internet set up, yay! But to backtrack to yesterday...

H had a counseling appt, and he always has interesting things to say afterwards about what he's learning about or thinking about. Yesterday's thoughts included:
-His IC recommended he read a book on codependency. IC thinks that H's situation growing up (dad who abused alcohol and physically abused his kids) is influencing a lot of his current attitudes and coping mechanisms. Specifically, they talked about conflict avoidance, and fear of rejection/wanting to please everyone. H brought up a particular conversation we had years ago (that I do not recall) where he said he wanted to go to a certain restaurant and I said I didn't really like that place.. and apparently from then on he didn't really want to say when he had a preference for something because he was afraid of me rejecting his choice. I had no idea about that. Apparently most of the time when I ask him for his preference on something, and he said "it doesn't matter," he actually DID have a preference but just didn't want to say it. Then if I didn't pick what he wanted he'd be silently resentful, which con't to build up over time, etc. They are going to talk more in the future about communication and being straightforward with what he wants - his example was "Let's say you want to go to X restaurant, and I want to go to Y restaurant. I could say 'let's go here today, and there tomorrow.' " Yes, he could certainly do that.. it seems obvious to me that would be a solution, it's interesting to me that he hadn't thought of compromising like that on his own before.
-H told me that when I'm around/we're together, that he is very lazy and unmotivated to do anything but watch TV because he knows I'll take care of things around the house or otherwise. He said "If I wait long enough, you'll do the dishes.. if I wait long enough, you move out... and probably if I wait long enough, you'll take care of a D, too." I said I wish I could go back and put more things in your hands and not take care of them, but I can't undo the past, I can only go forward.
-H thinks that because we started dating so young and didn't date other people that he never fully evaluated what would be a good fit for him partner-wise, and that the grass may actually be greener. He somehow related this to work: "I was in a cr*ppy job for 4 years and hated it, but I was so scared to find something different because I didn't know if it would actually be better. Now I have this new job and it turns out it IS way better. The grass is actually greener." So apparently he feels that looking for a new partner/W would be similar - there's a good chance that there will be someone better. Whatever. I didn't say anything to that, but what I was thinking is "sure, there will always be someone better, you could be looking indefinitely... at one point do you decide what you have is good?"
-He also said he didn't feel like he knew who he was or his identity or what he values. In high school he was known as a bully, and so even though people didn't like him everyone knew who he was, and he attracted a lot of attention. He actually said "Hate is an extreme form of love, so at least when people hated me, they were paying attention to what I was going to do next. When you hate celebrities you still follow them to see what they're doing. Now people don't hate me, but they don't LOVE me either." He said he doesn't want to go back to being a jerk, but doesn't feel like he "stands out" or knows "who he is" right now, doesn't feel like he has enough friends, doesn't feel like he does anything valuable with his life but just sits around and watches TV/plays video games.

It's too bad that he thinks I need to be out of his life for him to figure this out. He said "How can I figure out a relationship or what I want, when I don't even know who I am?"

The sad part - he also went to see an attorney yesterday for a free consultation about D proceedings. I know it doesn't have to mean anything, it could just be information gathering like I have done as well. And he even said the attorney was trying to tell him to this or that and he responded "Well, I'm not 100% sure we're even going to do this," so that seemed hopeful.

So, now that I'm moved, I am going to have to do my best to be NC unless absolutely necessary. No forwarding emails with stuff I think he might like. No texting news or updates to him. I thought it wouldn't be hard but knowing what could be ahead, I'm already missing his presence.

[Thornton]

Go dark.

If he wants to find himself, he needs plenty of alone time to do so.

I'm going through the exact same thing right now. It's been exactly 1 month since we've had contact. It's hard, really hard to do.

Give him a chance to miss YOUR presence.

[hope456]

So, now that I'm moved, I am going to have to do my best to be NC unless absolutely necessary. No forwarding emails with stuff I think he might like. No texting news or updates to him. I thought it wouldn't be hard but knowing what could be ahead, I'm already missing his presence.

I think this ^^^^ is totally normal. That said, I also think some things (detaching, in particular) will be easier for you now that you aren't sharing the same space and seeing each other almost every day.

(((KGirl)))

[KGirl]

H has texted me 5 times already tonight - random questions like "Do you know where the big flashlight is? How many trips did you have to make to move? Were there a lot of neighbors outside?" I waited awhile before responding and then answered as briefly as possible.

I'm feeling like just being alone and not getting out and doing things. I know I should make an effort to do so because being alone while being depressed will just make it worse. I had the thought today "I don't feel like going on my vacation at the end of the month anymore. Maybe I should postpone it." I don't want to force myself to do something I don't feel like doing...maybe I'll feel better at the end of the month. Just thinking of getting up and going to get the rest of my stuff out of the car seems very difficult right now.

[GoatGal]

Hi K-Girl,

I'm new here, but I have been reading your posts. I agree with Hope that detaching is easier when you're not around each other all the time.
My H didn't even want to leave after he served me with divorce papers! He wanted to "co-exist peacefully." Sorry. No can do.
I had to have him leave at that point because it was just toxic. I think he still doesn't really understand why, as hard as that is to wrap my head around...

I don't know if I regret that or not, since I it's "supposed" to be easier to re-connect if you're co-habitating. But I just didn't think I could manage it, I was in too much emotional pain.

Having him out of the house has eliminated a lot of that, in addition to creating some mystery and giving me the time and space to think things through without the weirdness and stress, not worry about always being at my best or being the spouse he'd be a fool to leave. I was in a very dark place and it was all I could do to take care of myself without worrying about whether or not he liked how I looked or what I made for dinner...

I honestly don't think I'd be doing as well as I am if he was still living here, so I guess I answered my own question. I don't regret it. Although I do miss him, at least some of the time. It's hard on many levels, but I think it was the right decision for me.

I have a few friends who went through horrible stuff, husband left, etc.
But on some level it was the only way these men could discover what it was about themselves and their lives that they needed to change.

In all cases, it was not their wives.

Hang in there!

[Ben2010]

Go dark.

If he wants to find himself, he needs plenty of alone time to do so.

I'm going through the exact same thing right now. It's been exactly 1 month since we've had contact. It's hard, really hard to do.

Give him a chance to miss YOUR presence.

So you have not seen or talked to her in a month? That seems next to impossible for me. You are stronger than I am for sure. Good Job though and good luck.