A question, relevant to a couple threads I'm following, including this one:
You and I agree (?) that strategies are different if an OM/OW is involved. But we know cheaters lie. And we also know that snooping HURTS the LBS. All that being said, how can these people know which strategy to use if they CAN'T prove - 100% - that an OW/OM is still in the picture? Should they periodically ask?? What if the WAS lies (shocking, right)?? Should the LBS be periodically snooping, despite that being a "no-no" because it's SO painful if/when something turns up?
Personally, once busted, my H never lied ... in fact, my nose was rubbed in his A. But I think, from reading others' experiences, that is the exception instead of the rule.
So how would folks like Dev ... and mdu ... proceed if their spouses SAY they're not involved in an A (or ignore that question altogether) while their *actions*, at least at times, tend to suggest otherwise?
I'm confused FOR them, so perhaps these are questions to which *I* am interested in answers. But perhaps I'm the only one?
You ask GREAT questions, Train, and you've hit the crux of the matter. For the reasons you state, it's why I personally believe very strongly in having at least enough good intel in place to protect yourself.
I've summarized my own philosophy on "snooping," below, with a note from my personal archives. It should also be noted that even MWD mentions possibly having to use a keylogger in her book, in order to confirm an online affair. To say that DB teaches "no snooping, ever, in any situation" is not accurate.
For the life of me I cannot even IMAGINE getting thru my own sitch using ONLY what my wife was telling me, and what I was directly observing. It would have cost me my marriage, frankly.
Starsky
And that right there is the problem with deciding to gather intel ("snooping"). If you can handle it, if you can detach yourself to such an extent that you are more "hovering above" the marriage than emotionally in the MIDDLE of it . . . almost like a "game-playing" mode . . . then the information you can gather is invaluable.
However, if it's only going to serve to beat you down, and defeat you, then it's probably best not to do it.
In general, I'm only in favor of snooping when:
- you’re initially trying to confirm an affair;
- as a gathering of evidence for a "cause" legal action of adultery, or to help you make a decision about custody;
- to confirm no-contact, as part of a MUTUALLY-AGREED-UPON transparency plan;
- you are concerned about dissipation of marital assets, or a drug, gambling or alcohol addition, or some other behavior that might prove harmful to the family.
