Newbie needs help

[igit]

Me-54
wife-48
married 17 yrs
3 kids
12-daughter,6yr old twin boys
low conflict marriage.
wife is stay at home mom. Me own own business. last 9months wife has been distancing herself from my family, her family. I noticed a big change in her late fall being distant, poor hygiene, not taking care of herself.. We have been sleeping in separate rooms for 5years. I have a snoring problem and it just became a habit of her leaving room and sleeping with daughter. We still had sex 2 or 3x a week. Wife helped in my office 1 or 2 times a week. Mid January at lunch I asked her if she was ok. She started to cry but composed herself and said all ok. 2 weeks later she came in my room and said she was unhappy and wanted a divorce. I asked her if there was anyone else she said no. That week I did some snooping and found phone records and confronted her and she said there was. started in early November and went on until I confronted her. Lasted about another week and OM who was a coach of daughters team and divorced himself called it off. I did all of the wrong things snooping, begging, pleading etc... I found other things that led me to believe she still had feelings for OM> She has never changed her position on wanting a divorce. I got the letter I never loved you etc.. I will be happy this is best for all etc...We are a Christian family,,however wife has ran from God , doesn't want to talk to pastor. I have been taking kids to church;doing bible study myself, and grown closer to God through all of this.I looked in the mirror and realized what role I had in this and have done what I can to improve myself. We get along well and have had some really good talks. She has shown some remorse for affair and I have forgiven her. We have been seeing IC but she refuses to do any type of marriage counceling. She says she just doesn't want to be married anymore. I have recently read DB and DR last week and started the 180. It maybe too little to late. Although we go to kids stuff together and have been getting along well she is still dead set about a divorce. she is trying to be friends but I don't need a friend. its complicated with kids, <they go to a Christian school etc>
She asked me last evening about talking about kids and I told her that it was a personal thing and I didn't want to discuss. I have a hard time with telling them together we have tried everything but we don't love each other when I have tried everything and still do love her. Anyway I told her last night I am not going to help her with Divorce if she wants she is going to have to do herself. She needs to figure out on her own what she is going to tell kids. I am working on what I will tell. She still has not contacted an attorney and was hoping that we could do this together. Any thoughts or ideas would be helpful.
Thanks