Me-54 wife-48 married 17 yrs 3 kids 12-daughter,6yr old twin boys low conflict marriage. wife is stay at home mom. Me own own business. last 9months wife has been distancing herself from my family, her family. I noticed a big change in her late fall being distant, poor hygiene, not taking care of herself.. We have been sleeping in separate rooms for 5years. I have a snoring problem and it just became a habit of her leaving room and sleeping with daughter. We still had sex 2 or 3x a week. Wife helped in my office 1 or 2 times a week. Mid January at lunch I asked her if she was ok. She started to cry but composed herself and said all ok. 2 weeks later she came in my room and said she was unhappy and wanted a divorce. I asked her if there was anyone else she said no. That week I did some snooping and found phone records and confronted her and she said there was. started in early November and went on until I confronted her. Lasted about another week and OM who was a coach of daughters team and divorced himself called it off. I did all of the wrong things snooping, begging, pleading etc... I found other things that led me to believe she still had feelings for OM> She has never changed her position on wanting a divorce. I got the letter I never loved you etc.. I will be happy this is best for all etc...We are a Christian family,,however wife has ran from God , doesn't want to talk to pastor. I have been taking kids to church;doing bible study myself, and grown closer to God through all of this.I looked in the mirror and realized what role I had in this and have done what I can to improve myself. We get along well and have had some really good talks. She has shown some remorse for affair and I have forgiven her. We have been seeing IC but she refuses to do any type of marriage counceling. She says she just doesn't want to be married anymore. I have recently read DB and DR last week and started the 180. It maybe too little to late. Although we go to kids stuff together and have been getting along well she is still dead set about a divorce. she is trying to be friends but I don't need a friend. its complicated with kids, <they go to a Christian school etc> She asked me last evening about talking about kids and I told her that it was a personal thing and I didn't want to discuss. I have a hard time with telling them together we have tried everything but we don't love each other when I have tried everything and still do love her. Anyway I told her last night I am not going to help her with Divorce if she wants she is going to have to do herself. She needs to figure out on her own what she is going to tell kids. I am working on what I will tell. She still has not contacted an attorney and was hoping that we could do this together. Any thoughts or ideas would be helpful. Thanks
M 54 W 48 T 19 M 17 D 12 Twin S 6 Twin S 6 Ilybnilwy 1/26/14 A discovered 2/3/14 D filed 7/25/14 Sumons served 8/14/14
Hey igit, sorry you are here. I'm not an expert in the A department, but there are people here who will help you, and other threads you should look at and follow advice. Sandi, Starsky, MrBond and others provide great advice. Read some threads and apply to your sitch.
As far as the quote above, don't believe that. It is never too late to be the best person and dad you can be.
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
She needs to figure out on her own what she is going to tell kids. I am working on what I will tell.
I encourage you to really think about this. I thought that I wouldn't want to present this is a mutual decision in front of my D, but changed my mind after speaking to a therapist who specializes in counseling children and after reading books talking about helping kids cope with divorce. I read that kids between the ages of 6 and 8 get a lot of their self-image from how they think their parents are perceived. So, if they think that you think their mom is "bad," then they own some of that themselves, too. We just told my D over the weekend. While we didn't say, "This was a mutual decision," we did say that sometimes things between grown-ups just don't work out, without placing blame on either parent.
If possible, I would encourage you to discuss with a counselor what you should say to the kids. One thing I've read repeatedly is that both parents should tell the kids together.
Thank you for your advice. a quick update, we have been getting along well. went to daughters ball game Monday night, hung out at game and had fun. I have been distancing myself and just being the best dad I can be. I am loving wife from a distance. yesterday when I got home from work she was running daughter to a movie and gave me a hug before she left. very pleasant! last night she came into my room and asked if I thought any further about discussion about me getting an apartment. and any thoughts on planning my future. I softly told her I was going to stay in out home and enjoy my time together with family under one roof until there isn't any family under one roof. Left it at that. she quietly said good night. she asked me if she could take a drive. <something she will do when something i have said hits home> I told her she was free to do what she wants she doesn't need my permission. Feeling pretty good these last 3 days. She came into my office today very pleasant on phone but seemed angry when in office. Oh well i will keep on being the best dad i can be and loving her from a distance.
M 54 W 48 T 19 M 17 D 12 Twin S 6 Twin S 6 Ilybnilwy 1/26/14 A discovered 2/3/14 D filed 7/25/14 Sumons served 8/14/14
Nettles thanks for encouragement. When all this divorce , affair sitch started wife was giving mixed signals. Ie. I need some space then maybe I could work on us etc. Wifes father left 3 kids when wife was 2. Father classic narsisis. Treated ex wife horrible, never gave my wife any affection growing up. Always about the boys (wifes 2 brothers) during our marriage she was always at odds with brother or father. I would get frustrated and try to fix insteat of just listening. Her brother and I are best freinds and she has told me recently that was a problem in our marriage. Wife has low self esteem do to father. She always looking for that attention from dad. He is all about himself very financial well off. Doc. And investor. My wife always wanted to be a nurse but he shot that down by telling her horrible profession, you should do this or thus..most of our problems go back to these times in our marriage, when wife first wanted divorce I told her I was ok with if she saw a psychologist for 6 weeks and deal with these issues.. If she checked out she was free to leave marriage.she set me up with ic. Psychologist, herself with a social worker. Go figure, she is no longer seeing her ic.I don't know if she heard something she didn't lIke or what. Anyway mlcs.big time going on , she hides her depression very well. I need some advice, she hasn't filed yet,2 weeks ago she was saying we split time at an apartment.anyway have 3 great kids, I feel like I need to stay here with them until a D. Happens. Sometimes I wonder if wife is keeping me around to detach.I think maybe I should move out and go dark.she is looking for a job. Taught school 14 yes ago. Not having any luck.she has a pretty good life , she life style good. Kids now in school full time. I told her she could do anything she wanted as far as job. I know a divorce would be a disaster for her right now , she told me she was depressed about job and her career. (Had alot to do with dad looking at her career as failure while bro. Is a successful doc. Anyway I am trying to be calm and not pay much attention to her. I think om. Maybe still in game. Snooping a few weeks ago about her overnight to girlfriends and think she was lieing. Any suggestions
M 54 W 48 T 19 M 17 D 12 Twin S 6 Twin S 6 Ilybnilwy 1/26/14 A discovered 2/3/14 D filed 7/25/14 Sumons served 8/14/14
Its been a long 10 days since original post. wife is now telling me she has a sagging eye and she needs surgery. I saw a brochure on her desk with a quote from Cosmetic surgeon about $6500 for procedure. Wife tells me its not cosmetic she doenst know I saw brochure. I suggested she contact are insurance co. and if its not covered she should figure out how she is going to pay. Starting to take care of herself its like every other week its hair appointment, wearing her eye liner different. <it kills me because she looks great> went to kids games 2 or 3 times last 10 days and was good, sat together good conversation about games, kids etc... Its like she is trying to be my friend for future. she thinks divorce can be good and I will have more quality time with kids. She doesn't understand that I have zero interest in being her friend. Friends don't treat each other the way she has gone about this whole thing. Refusing any type of marriage counceling is the killer for me. I know we have some issues but we have always got along well and made good decisions together, earlier in week she said she thinks I should start looking for an apartment and concentrate on my business. Something came over me the next few days following that conversation. I had a good long cry and just a peace came over me. A few days ago she could tell I was being a little distant but nice. she gave me a hug when I got home from work. she has given me hugs all through this , everytime she senses I am pulling away. later that night she came into my room and I was laying on a window seat just being quiet and thinking. I usually I am very talkative and she does most of this listening this time I was very quiet and didn't start any conversation. she asked me what I was thinking , and if I had anything to say about apartment etc... I told her very quietly I had and I was going to stay in home and live each day under the same roof as a family. taking it day by day and living each day as normal as possible and to enjoy my life and family until the day I have to leave. We then got into how her job search was going I just listened to her frustration and validated that which got into more conversation. I did backslide but told her I was thinking about her. I told her she has a gift that she does very well which is compassion and friendship with the elderly. I told her a job that you don't have to think about whats in it for her but what she can give of herself might be a good thought. Anyway she asked if she could go for a drive! <we both like to drive and think> It was 10pm but I told her I didn't care, TO GO for a drive. she was very nice and said goodnight and left. She was gone for 1-1/2 hrs. Anyway the next day she called and wanted to stop by office> I asked her if it was to talk I wouldn't be able to since I had a big meeting to get ready for and didn't need the stress. She said no needed to send a fax. anyway she came in with our daughter and was somewhat mean. I needed help with an update on computer. she asked if I would take our daughter to volleyball camp I said I would and could she do a few other things for me at office. she then decided she would take daughter and didn't have time to help. She has worked for me 3-4 hours week doing accounting and office task and I pay her very well. She has indicated she would still like to work for me in future. I have told her I don't think that would be a good idea if divorced. She enjoys the work and likes it because there is no boss to report to. she has always had difficulty with woman at work and definetly as her boss. Anyway I am going away for the weekend to a friends birthday party. I have told her I am not helping with divorce! If she wants one I cant stop her but am certainly not going to be involved until I need to be. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
M 54 W 48 T 19 M 17 D 12 Twin S 6 Twin S 6 Ilybnilwy 1/26/14 A discovered 2/3/14 D filed 7/25/14 Sumons served 8/14/14
GAL - going up to lake for weekend with some buddies. be home sunday morning to take kids to church and spend fathers day with them. have not initiated any calls or text with wife. she has called a few times to see what is was doing. seemed in an upbeat mood. she went to church last week but is talking about switching churches since all of a sudden she doesn't like the people there. funny she says she foung God in September and said she was praying that I would get closer as well. I asked her that it seemed kind of odd to me that she foung God in Sept. & started affair in November- she didn't quit know how to answer that one! I told her she picked a heck of a way for me to find God! Oh well glad I did no matter what the reason! We will see her attitude when I get back sunday.
M 54 W 48 T 19 M 17 D 12 Twin S 6 Twin S 6 Ilybnilwy 1/26/14 A discovered 2/3/14 D filed 7/25/14 Sumons served 8/14/14
Gal. Went to lake had a good time. Saturday night regressed and called when she was out. Not good gad a few drinks in hot sun. Shouldn't have called. Father's day I took kids to church. Wife stayed home. She did go to my sisters cookout which everyone was glad to see her. I suggested this morning she go to a psychologist to see if they could help with her unhappiness. Her comment if she is still unhappy after D. She will go. Talking to our daughter about finding another church. She is just running away from everything, marriage, church, and I don't know how to help her.
M 54 W 48 T 19 M 17 D 12 Twin S 6 Twin S 6 Ilybnilwy 1/26/14 A discovered 2/3/14 D filed 7/25/14 Sumons served 8/14/14
