Nero, It's good that you are writing down your thoughts and exploring them, i.e., it's a good way to sweep the cob webs out of your mind. At some point in time, you will move forward inch by inch. Right now, you are right where you should be because you need to get everything out and look at it, analyze it and from there, you'll have a better understanding of who you are, why you feel the way you do, what you want and life and how to go about it. You've had such a difficult time of things in the last year or so, your h acting out, your family and your mother's passing. It's a lot and it will take time to untangle everything and I think you've been a bit hard on yourself about things too.
Things will happen in due time. There is no need to try to rush them. You will know when you've had enough and then you will decide what you want to do and how to go about it. For now, focus on what you want to do each day and if it means sitting in your garden and admiring your flowers, then do it.
I do think that posting here and exploring your thoughts and feelings has been a good exercise for you. On that note, you may want to consider starting a new thread, as you are over the 100 posting mark and this thread may be locked very soon.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
