how i got going down that road - haven't in soooo long. now everyone will write and say i have to stop analyzing him - and get on with it. make it about me - not him....
i mostly do- honest. somehow i allowed brain down that rabbit hole this morning-
ignore that man behind the curtain over there - i am oz - the great & powerful.....
hi nero, wish I had something to add. seems to be such cobwebs in my brain. I am afraid of the money thing. grew up poor, always struggling- know what that is like. its the jealousy/envy thing too.... the love thing is starting to dissipate. idk. I get nothing from h. I am starting to actually dislike him and his actions. he is a selfish guy. love is kind and suffers long...its true. As UR, says, we will know when we know. I've yet to wake up and say AHA! I know what to do.... so onward we go. It is confusing the way your h behaves. I don't doubt one minute if I got something positive from my h that I wouldn't keep on standing. waiting for him to remember. Hope it a good day!
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
I don't think there is a problem with analysing, and understanding what is going on and why. It seems normal to me.
The only time it is a problem is when it prevents us from living our own lives.
Two books (very different) that I have found helpful are 1. Robert Lundy 'Why does he do that' which is all about emotional abuse. Everything you say seem to me to be signs of emotonal abuse. What right does one adult human to 'teach the other a lesson' I mean really, really? My xh also replicated the behaviour of his parents who who had little to do with all his life. Old patterning I guess.
The second book is Iain Mc Gilchrist 'The Master and his Emissary' which is all about the relationship between the right and brain hemispheres. What I gained from this long and well researched book is that a lot of these guys function mainly from their left brain - fact, fact, fact, and do not seem able to connect very well with the land of emotion. But in another way they are operating out of unrecognised emotion.
I believe the MLCers love us, at least many of them do, but it is all twisted up and confused. In my case I am better away from him and who he is now. In your case you may be keeping him going while he frolics in MLC affair land.
Some want to stay connected with their life time partner and others do not.
I think what I would do in your circumstances is to go on building a separate life, until you feel at a point when you really can make a decision. I think we know when it is time - it may be time by other people's clocks but they are not living in our heads. I would sometimes like to be one of those decisive people and just make a decision and get on with it, but we are not all the same, and have different emotional landscapes.
Nero, It's good that you are writing down your thoughts and exploring them, i.e., it's a good way to sweep the cob webs out of your mind. At some point in time, you will move forward inch by inch. Right now, you are right where you should be because you need to get everything out and look at it, analyze it and from there, you'll have a better understanding of who you are, why you feel the way you do, what you want and life and how to go about it. You've had such a difficult time of things in the last year or so, your h acting out, your family and your mother's passing. It's a lot and it will take time to untangle everything and I think you've been a bit hard on yourself about things too.
Things will happen in due time. There is no need to try to rush them. You will know when you've had enough and then you will decide what you want to do and how to go about it. For now, focus on what you want to do each day and if it means sitting in your garden and admiring your flowers, then do it.
I do think that posting here and exploring your thoughts and feelings has been a good exercise for you. On that note, you may want to consider starting a new thread, as you are over the 100 posting mark and this thread may be locked very soon.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I read your comment on "some good things" going on with him and i don't believe it (anymore).
i think now, sadly, that whenever he is nice or attentive it's his sick compulsion before seeing ow. it may be crazy- but there you have it.
he is all pleasant- charming- what? making sure "i'm still there" so he can tra la off and get laid with a clear mind. everything is in it's place (his faithful dog). sittin by the door of the "old homestead" waiting faithfully- pant pant -
sorry- someday i'd love to be shown to be wrong- but i am not buying it currently.
i have trouble viewing anything he says or does that is nice as (a gesture of caring). i get that it is in some wierd way an expression of caring *(or possession?) - because why bother really? otherwise - - -
but give me plain ole, no agenda, no strings, unvarnished happy & spontaneous affection...... nothin fancy- just real...
it's too wierd tho for me to buy into or have any expectation or hope about.
he's made me soooo cynical about him- it's a shame. it's not my usual m.o. and i find it streessful to always remind myself to not allow self to go there- to the caring alot place.
but, i do appreciate your thoughts and comments - it all helps alot - and i'd like to hope somehow this all ends up "rite" - i just don't honestly know what i would see when that happened?
know what i mean? the wind is out of my sails at the moment - i can't seem to get inspired about my life's path- i'm just open and floating and wondering where the heck the tide will chuck me up on the shore - know THAT feeling... not bad- not good - not nothin...
sorry to be dreary in the face of possible progress -
i just feel "too tired" last couple days- i'll get rite out today and see a bunch of folks and rejoin the human race. my neice has been coming over every evening to work on her homework and visit - so i'm not brooding at all.
she's good company and i'm very glad to help and edit, listen, whatever and feel useful to her. she's a good student- she's got "stuff" in her little life as well.
i think we help each other - without either ever really sayin it or maybe realizing it-
anyway- ta da-
i am sorry to report how skeptical and disbelieving and negative i may be- i do see it tho, i cannot see how you get rid of it- been burned- do not stick hand in fire-
funny you saying aoubt being a person who "just acts". my mom was like that. she had a hard life and did well surviving alot of tough circumstances - that being said, her m.o. was just do something- anything - right or wrong at least you've begun.
i feel like that alot, totally the heck with it - - then my brain (or the devil - or an angel?) kicks in and says: think about this- don't be a jerk - you may be hurting your own cause, be cautious, consider allll the facts, etc.
i do not want to hurt anyone or myself needlessly in life- it's my stumbling block- where to draw that line and go ahead - and give up considering the repercussions (real and imagined)
i'll go do a new thread now- i forgot. i get soooo wound up and in a nother land. thanks for the comments - it helps me not think i'm a total nutjob.
i run here when my brain is busting out allover teh place. there just is no let up really lately- switch one bunch of stress for another. th o, saying that out loud to you- i realize this is alot less "life threatening" than being responsible for someone's very life every day- possibly- like it was.
comparably this is "nothin" - money and personality crappola - so thanks for that- i'm stepping back from that edge rite now. perspective is everything - huh?
you'd think that my sisters and I would merely be sad my mom died , it was not an easy or pleasant final year, or days (of course, why would any of THEM know that) ?? - and then grateful for the big gob of money we all will get from this woman who did wiothout and scrimped along in life so we'd all have a roof over head, etc.
i mean- really, i'm sooo grossed out at the two who feel 'screwed" - they were no where around in her life for her lonely old age. she was tough- but hey, she was a person - rite???
anyway- i let it get to me. i cannot fix it, or them or anything really.
can't even save a single soul - here's me letting go of that "junk" for today at least. i can't even "save" self- i am not going to accept any responsibility for amy of my sisters' happiness here - no way jose...
this sister is trying to make me responsible for her life and happiness=- it's not fair- she crashes thru life taking care of self and kids - she's been a good friend and "shoulder" for me so i have compassion. do i want to be tied to her for thirty years collecting money from her? God no- the thought makes me want to cry.
well- that's the problem this morning- it all makes me want to cry. people's inhumanity to each other- what the heck? we're all soooo the same - need the same things- are they blind or nuts or both??? ever notice the ones that feeel free-ist to ASK are the very ones that never think to be th ankful or grateful for help - and attach very little importance to anyone elses efforsts? or generousity???? i guess that's why they feel free- no recognition of what & how much they ask...(on purpose i'd think)
i/'ll go do that new thread - i can never think of clever thread names - i guess ya noticed by now.
i lost myself totally- somehow i'm back here - so i'm responding. thanks for note and thoughts.
i know- i am not in life (totally not) used to feeling like this- soooooo out of control and powerless, etc.
maybe it's the staring down death thing for past bunch of years- idk-
i agree totally we lug along allll our baggage of youth and life- of course we do- what else would we be but the sum of all those experiences, good an bad.
i know the feeling too- about not liking this new guy. sometimes i really get washed over with it- and think if i ever get my brain and emotions on firm footing i'll get lost and get away. sometimes i feel he's trapped me for the moment in this life i've gotten used to-
that he is not who i signed up to and for- but did that old guy exist? or was THAT all a lie too???? i have some very serioyus issues with trust & reality and honesty.
i'm outta here- wonder where this will go- new thread or old. xxoo
