(warning- got long and possible wierd or ramblie- im leaving it- (better out than in? ) and you can stop after about first line or not- as you see fit. i try and keep this junk out of my mind mostly on daily basis) it's all in background tho- isn't it?)
you're nice. i know, it's sure a huge life's force with it's own agenda - the heart. You're sure right about alllll the people out there in life - who are soooo sure about everything- ... i'm thinking of our h and yours still being tortured and fiddling around - being present in your life (somehow) and trying to be (he probably does not know for one minute what the heck he's doing (really) and why - he just can't stop himself - - and mine. talk about "knowing" everything and not knowing a thing.
i wonder sometimes if i have this huge ego - thinking i know a darn thing about anything or anyone. i'm thinking honestly perhaps i've been wrong about everything and everyone for my whole life. It was a rosey little outlook i had- and i'm loath to get rid of it- it did make life 'SEEM" nicer. I wonder if i am a giant fool to even think about being who i was. but then, it is who i am or was or .... idk, helllllll0p - honestly.
. I alwasy think, (used to anyway) that this dope of a guy loves me - more than he knows - he's just is soooo busy knowing everythign for sure - king of "i got the facts" land - that he's blind & dopey and he's missing the point in life. (something like that). then i think i flatter myself.
then i know for sure - that exactly as mwd says, if i'd have said choose - when i found out- he'd have picked her. he is/was that blind and nuts. how does he reckon he walked away twenty years ago- and now finds her irresistable - and the key to happiness???? WHO IN THE universe in their right mind walks away from LOVE ? i'm askin ya- no one. if you love anyone that much- you walk thru fire to have them. period. that's my conviction and my m.o. .
in retrospect it's soooooo "grand" - omg - he's sooooo screwedup- that's the other thing that worries me - he is obviously not the man i thought - is this guy someone to spend a life with? . someone soooo delusional and f'd up on the emotional front? i thought he was a "rock" - he is a stinkin pile of pebbles on shifting sand. oh well- decision for another day.
ya gotta wonder where it all will end- perhaps when the choice is mine to make- i will opt out! who can know
he's acting like his selfish parents that he crucified for like behavior. can't he see? i don't think so. doesn't look at self too closely - So,
i wonder about myself too- what giantly hypocritical things i do- idk- all this thinkign can get ya in quite a psychological hole. i'm happy to cut everyone a break and assume thay are just poor saps like me trying to be happy and stay afloat in life.
as far as "what he needs" - honestly - my brain is soooo , well, "damaged" at this moment - i don't know what i am doing or he needs or i do . i need more than this- and am not likely to be getting it anytime soon. what he needs? idk- to be 18 years old and turn back the hands of time? He has mentioned here and there thruout life that he is "teaching me a lesson" - tho he cannot seem to EVER flesh that out. ever - no kidding, what the heck could the "lesson" be?????. if he cheated when we were madly in love and young - the only lesson i get is that he is a well-disguised rat - always has been and i'm nuts to love him or even think of it.....
he can't come up with the crime really. i honestly do think "it's him" not me in this mlc stuff - but i don't see what good that does me. It makes me lose faith in the person i thought he was - he is a man who gratifies number one first (the "flirtation" w/current ow alllllllllllllllll those million years ago- I wish he'd never told me. why the heck would he??? his own guilt i guess, but it's "ruined" my ability to find the value in our " past" alot... that is a real tragedy. if it was alllllllll a stinkin lie- what in the world would i be fighting for anyway?
I feel like some little animal just goin on instinct - survival or something - it's wierd.
i attach alot of importance to that. the fact that back a hundred years ago he had a "thing" with her- at the office. so, if he's harboured this notion of her as his "lost love" - what the heck is that? if he loved her so much- he'd have walked thru fire to have her - rite. she was there on a platter for him- he let her go. i told him that- it seems a poor sort of "love" if he didn't forego all others and have it - nobody alive turns down their heart's desire short of death. (but her kids came with- could it have been as simple as he's so selfish he didn't even want his "true love" if she came with complications? " so now i think of them in bed and i'm supposed to be "neutral " bout it - not so much. geeez - i'm quitting this, it gets worse and worse doesn't it?.
no response of course - what a jerk and a "chicken" for a big man. I swear - sniveling worm that i can be - i have waaaaaay more guts than him. At least i can stand up - say what i think and feel - try for what i want - and not hide behind my emotional inarticularity (did i make that up? it's a good word, isn't it?????
I am amazed at how totally this man cannot deal with his own heart- words - life - emotions - etc. HENCE THE brain tumor theory. i mean, he's a stinkin lawyer and he's good at it (arguing is his life) . he can convince a dog it's a cat- yet, cannot speak about feelings. seriously f'd up guy in there- ya never know do you???
i'm, sure he is sure it's his "choice" to be like he is. i do not admire it- if it's his choice - it's a stinker. and it's remarkably same as his hated mother who dumped him (12 yrs) and his father in the dead of nite and left with his baby brother & her rich new bf to go have a shinier- "more fun" life. nice huh? his big spiel in life - "it should be fun" - what planet does he hail from?.
Man, has that guy got "baggage" or what? ya gotta wonder - if really - do adults REALLY go off the rails as a result of unresolved "S" from their childhood? how could he never look at himself- he's too busy pointing out to everyone 3else what they're doing wrong.
oh well- it exhausts me. it doesn't really do any good to be "right" in stuff like this, does it. (if ya even are, that is).
idk- wish i felt better about my part in all this. my stupid handling of (apparently) my life. ya gotta wonder- how you can bumble along being what you consider a decent citizen- and end up in such a stew of insanity. what is wrong with this picture????. ta da - a knack.
eeeek - sorry man- got rambline- i'm going to go find that shiney paper and more coffee- go back to neroland and shut off the brain. It's cheesy, but i think my brain is just in "withdrawal"mode since my mom died. It was a big worry for sooo long - her health - her mind - her life, her happiness(?) , her neurosis. she was a perfectly nice person- just had her own baggage & shared it (alot) with me - i am unable to really reel my brain back in (failing some dire need to do so) and it's roaming around being "fuzzy" with the lack of life and death responsibility of mom's last bunch of years. no kidding- i can see it from the outside - but seem unable to really get it back into the harness. i don't think i'm ever going to allow myself to be THAT responsible for anyone again any time soon.
one of my sisters thinks we kids should sell her mom's house and give her a mortgage and become her , what? landlord- and be responsible for her (happiness?) in life- i get horrified at the thought of collecting money from her and standing between her and the street - how could she expect this ? and why isn't she just grateful to be going to inherit a big gob of money? instead of trying to turn it into everyone oweing her a home & a life & EVERYTHING. I know she works hard and is poor- but really- she fought with mom always - and now she wants her house(s) - her car- her sofa - everythign she had- she wants her life and to be her (and still even now does not even have a charitable word for her) - wtf?????
this family makes me crazy- everything makes me crazy - no wonder i'm gluing shiney paper and gardening like mad-
i'm outta here - sorry for ramble- no wonder i need to shut down this brain - too much exterior junk input-
