You mentioned that your IC said you should be 100% certain that you are getting D before telling the kids. My H is 100% certain and has actually filed. I still hope that there is a chance, but I think I'm living in denial if I don't acknowledge it as a certainty. I do wonder, what if we tell her and then R?
There are a lot of things that aren't changing that I can emphasize. I am fortunate to be able to keep my house, so that stays the same along with school and neighborhood friends. I need to make a list.
Or is this inconveniencing him, b/c now he'll have to delay his trip? OR cut it short or, God forbid, cancel & re-schedule it? What does it have to do with telling her anything?
Originally Posted By: hope456
Sometimes, I really want to shake my H. We just had this conversation.
H: When do you think we should talk to D7?
Me: I was thinking over the weekend would be good. That gives her some time to process.
H: Ok.
Me: Ok. H: the thing is, I was thinking about going camping this weekend.
Yes, H, as always, it is about you. Thanks for the reminder.
Yeah, so, how does that 'plan' relate to telling her? When would HE LIKE to tell her?
God, what about when she asks him 3 totally predictable follow up questions?
D's Question# 1) WHEN are you coming home?
Answer: (Um, when I FIND happiness..When it lands in my lap..."never"..."Who knows?")
D's Question #2) Why not?
"Because I am not as happy as I should/could/want to be...and therefore leaving your mother and you, will FIX it.
"B/C YOUR MOTHER/and or YOU don't MAKE me happy".
"I just have to.... & or
"SOMEDAY YOU WILL UNDERSTAND" (which is sadly, probably true)
D's Question #3) "Why did you keep telling me '4 months'?"
"Oh, that...yeah, uh, I changed my mind"
my personal favorite, (aka 'the Noble Lie)
"I wanted to tell you earlier, but I didn't want to hurt you..." (="easier for me to lie")
"I hoped things would change, but they didn't"
(and I didn't do a damn thing to make that happen) And yet Hope, he'd probably kill or die for her. In HIS way, he does love her.
But he's very limited in what he's able to give her now, or you...and maybe he'll be that way for a very long long time.
You, OTOH, are doing great. What a wonderful gift you are for your d to have.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hope you are being a strong support to your D and I know that takes a lot. We are telling our kids D6 D8 S4 after next weekend(after Father's Day argh) My WAW keeps telling me she feels so guilty ( oh and estatic of course) To disclose.... So know I am thinking of you and praying.
Me 42 W:35 M: 14yrs T:15yrs D: 8yrs D:6yrs S:3yrs BD: "I want a D"09/03/14 Sep: 30/06/14
Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
Maybell, Thornton, Ray, Claire and 25 - Thank you for your kind words and support. Honestly, while these behaviors/comments by my H bother me, they don't surprise me anymore. That's sad.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
I don't even get what he means...
IS he taking HER with him?
Or is this inconveniencing him, b/c now he'll have to delay his trip? OR cut it short or, God forbid, cancel & re-schedule it? What does it have to do with telling her anything?
He does not mean that he is taking her with him. Really, he means that this is an inconvenience he didn't expect to have to deal with. I may have mentioned it earlier today, but I'm not sure. H has said on more than one occasion since BD, that we NEVER have to tell D7 about the D. Ummm, yes. We do.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Yeah, so, how does that 'plan' relate to telling her? When would HE LIKE to tell her?
God, what about when she asks him 3 totally predictable follow up questions?
He didn't offer any suggestions on when he would rather do it. I find it difficult to believe that he's going to be camping from tomorrow when school lets out through Sunday evening. When he does go camping, it is generally at a state park less than an hour from where we live, so it isn't like he'll be very far away. One would think that he could find an hour to talk to our D. As far as his answers to those questions, I'm very concerned about what he might say. I doubt he's thought it through.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
And yet Hope, he'd probably kill or die for her. In HIS way, he does love her.
But he's very limited in what he's able to give her now, or you...and maybe he'll be that way for a very long long time.
You're right. He does love her. If he felt she were in danger, he would do anything to protect her. I know those things. I wish, for her sake, that he would make her his first priority sometimes. I find it so hard (impossible, really--and probably futile, too) to reconcile this kind of behavior with his statements about needing an S and a D because then he'll be a better father. Not really seeing the results on that one yet.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
You, OTOH, are doing great. What a wonderful gift you are for your d to have.
Thank you. I needed to hear that
There are a couple of things I wanted to throw out here for advice:
-I'm having second thoughts about telling D7 this weekend. One of the families in our neighborhood is moving tomorrow (military dad) and D7 is already pretty upset about her friends leaving. It seems like a lot for her to deal with in a single weekend. -I've been thinking about my fear a lot today. I know that I have some fear about me losing my H (being alone, not finding someone else who loves me). I think more of my fear, though, is for my D7. I know that I will always make her a top priority and be there for her and show her how much I love her. BUT, I don't trust my H to not do what my mom did or his dad did. I get that I can't make him be a good father. I can't make him be there for her. I know I don't have control over it. Still, I have so much fear about her having a childhood that is like mine was.
On a positive note, the play I went to see tonight was actually a musical comedy. I LOVE musicals, so it was a nice surprise. It was Xanadu, which I had never seen before. I laughed SO much and had a great time. The margaritas at dinner probably helped with the laughter
Oh, and on another positive note, D7 was on the A honor roll for the whole year. I'm so proud of her.
I'm glad you went out and had some FUN. Yay!! You so deserve it. And congrats to D7 for being a smartypants girl!
Hey, 2 thoughts keep running thru my head when I read your post above. About how you fear he won't really truly "show up" for your d, like his dad didn't and like your mom didn't.
1) even if you stayed married, this "not showing up" might happen. I mean, he's pretty darn self absorbed NOW....
and
2) while this may be the last thing you want to hear right now, I have to say that a divorce at least would free you up to meet someone you know will show up for her and you.
I cannot help but believe that sometime in the future, you may come to see that in the long run, he has done you a favor....
I just really believe that you'll be better off without this type of man in your life.
Sure, he could change, & we can all pray and hope he does. But if not, I just don't know what it is you are losing in a partner.
I understand if you are not ready to hear this^^...and I'm sorry if that's the case. I don't mean to rush you out of the m at all.
Just thinking there IS a silver lining here....and in time, even if you end up just loving yourself more and living out of his shadow and Not waiting for the next shoe to drop, you'll be more than alright.
Keep on keeping on!
Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 06/06/1405:28 AM.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hope-- think about those fears. .. you are letting them get the best of you. You are strong and resilient. You are not destined to be alone. In fact, it's entirely possible that you'll end up with someone who week not only be a great husband, but a great step-dad, too. (My MiL ended up with a 2nd husband who worships her and loves her kids like they were his own). And your D will not have the same childhood as you, because she has YOU--strong, resilient YOU-- as a mom. And if her dad is not so great? Well, you will be able to help her navigate that, by getting her whatever support she needs to deal with it.
