Quote: she was afraid I was getting my support from people in LaLaland
Yeah, I never know quite how to approach that. I'm getting these really amazing insights from...dum dum dum - the internet! And some of the wisest people I've ever met...are people I've never met! I just kind of keep quiet about it - one: because I'm afraid they'd come visit the site and try and find me - not that I have any secrets, but still.. And two - I think they'd just think it's weird that I could get so much out of an online support group. But I DO, especially from your thread, Betsey, and Meredith's thread. My sitch made great leaps after I found this site, because I was finally getting the kind of support I needed. Sorry for the diverging from your main point, CBH, but I just had to comment on that. Here's to BB friends!
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
I am totally jazzed about your reply to my post. I'm sorry about the tears, but something tells me that you're hopeful and want to see your mom.
A good friend of mine sees his mom when he sees balloons (his mom adored them). My grandfather loved larkspur, so when I see them I can actually smell them and I usually feel a message pour forth from him. My grandmother? She loves TVs (ask me about the million times I've had to get every TV fixed--including the one in the car--when she needs to tell me something).
His mother is very vibrant and upbeat now--she paid me a visit last night, just as I was heading into my prayers. And boy did she have a lot to say. After nearly a half hour of telepathic dialogue, I ended up having to tell her that I really appreciate our newfound communication--but needed to pray so I could go to sleep and asked her to come back some other time.
Man, she was giddy with excitement! Some day, I'll spill the entire story to Mr. Wonderful, but not now. Maybe I'll tell him her side of the story about the secret bank accounts, though. She was kind enough to explain them to me... and her answer makes a whole lot of sense in the grand scheme of this dysfunction.
Getting back to you and your sister and parents. This is a timely discussion because tomorrow I am attending the disabilities session in our state legislature! Go me!
I meet SO many people in this small world--people who have so many differences despite the common thread that is weaved amongst us. Some of those folks assume guilt--as you mentioned was true for your father.
The fact is that many people feel that the painful parts of our mortal life are punishments for past sins. I try to get through to them, though in the end, it's up to them to decide to see things differently.
I was a spiritual person before D6 came along. Even though I grieved for more than a few years, I always felt that she was a blessing for everyone who meets her. She is Bob Barker without knowing it.
There is something to be said for a person who feels loved by everyone, who judges none, and who loves equally in return. How often do we meet someone like this? I'm lucky to be this person's mother.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me or wrote me to say that they loved my little girl and would give the world to be more involved in her life--I would be a millionaire a zillion times over. It amazes me each and every time, but I am constantly moved by the outcome.
I see things from this perspective because I believe.
However, it would have been really easy for me to assume guilt for the outcome because I drank diet coke a few times when I was pregnant with her. Or the fact that I whined to my OB/GYN 2 1/2 weeks before her due date to induce labor. I could probably come up with a laundry list of things that I could feel punished for doing.
The fact is that I realize we all have gifts to share with our mortal friends and family members. My road may be difficult from most of your perspectives, but every day, I come home from work to greet someone who is ALWAYS happy to see me--no matter how grumpy I am or what my daytimer is filled with that doesn't include her.
Your dad, bless him, is trying to figure out WHY--and I've discovered that it's a complete waste of time. I understand the need to go down that path, but it's really fruitless. God love him and your sister... I will remember both of them tomorrow on the hill and keep them in my prayers.
Yes, Mr. W. IS at a crossroads. I'm feeling pretty grateful to his dad for pointing out that there can be love underneath the hurt and resentment. I don't think Mr. W. believed that until now.
CBH, YOU are a good friend. You have put the needs of your family above your own in a time of turmoil, and that makes you a good person. I commend you for always choosing to take the high road... not all of us here can say that.
However, I think you'll feel stronger and more empowered if you stand up to the "class bully"... and I think you might be surprised at the result. Because we've now established the fact that I'm a gambler... my money is that your H will treat you more respectfully if you demand it.
I'm glad your sister can see that you're not in LaLaLand here!
Tell you what? Leave Officer Unfriendly at home and you come out with the other girls for a ski trip... Then I'll get to hug you instead of chasing your H down like a dog (although that idea sounds mighty appealing).
Time for our next meeting.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Myrrh--I didn't have enough time to post to you before my next round of meetings (to reconvene shortly again). I just wanted to say that I'm glad you're finding answers to your questions here on the BB.
It has been a godsend for me as well...
I thought that by lurking and reading, I'd pick up things from all of the wonderful people here who post. Well, I did. However, my learning curve improved 110% when I actually started getting feedback from all the wise and wonderful people who post here.
I feel supremely blessed by this twist of fate.
I know it sounds weird to others--believe me, I had more than a few people ask me if I was scared of putting faces to the names who post (and more than a few of those people wondered if I am crazy)? The answer is obviously no. And if I'm crazy, at least I know that the rest of you are crazy with me!
One of the topics for negotiating with Mr. Wonderful's return home will be allowing me my time here. I realize that I will undoubtedly wean myself off of my own thread, but recognize that until I decide to leave, this BB is important to me in healing for the indefinite future.
Any digressions or diversions you post here are more than welcome. I'm glad that all this food for thought is helping.
If it's any consolation, when Mer and I were on IM chat last night, she commented right off the bat, "My brain hurts, why does my thread have to be so good lately?"
Yes, I understand what she meant. Yesterday's dialogue on her thread was VERY thought provoking and the opportunity to refocus on goals we had made before.
And a means to put things in perspective--so that we continue to recognize progress where it's made and to identify the behaviors we're progressing in and highlight the ones that are work in progress. A report card.
I'm very grateful for the lessons I learn here. And grateful for all of you who travel this road with me.
(((((Group hug)))))
(I'm getting pretty good at those lately!)
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I had an enjoyable time at the Capitol today--met some nice people and had the opportunity to watch the legislature in action.
Mr. Wonderful just got home tonight. Nothing new to report, other than he mentioned he was glad to be back (I noticed those were the exact words he used--not "home").
I'm sure I'll have more to tell over the weekend.
An added editing note. Two of the parents I met today had something more than a disabled child in common with me. One woman with a D9 about as disabled as mine had her H walk out on her and her 2 daughters when the D9 was 3. She didn't know about DB but worked a similar program for 5 years before she finally filed for D. Her XH lives in WY now and has little contact with the D14, none with the D9 and is a very miserably unhappy and single man.
The other dad was actually a step dad to his D14--who attended with him. She is an older version of D6 and kept signing for me to come sit by her. She was absolutely darling and gave me hugs and held my hand... her stepdad is the only dad she's ever known--because bio dad walked out on her mom when she was 2. He said the guy was in a major league MLC and has still not come back to some semblance of normal. Stepdad is a mental health worker and believes biodad is clinically depressed.
Can you say common ground?
More meetings tomorrow morning and then I should be back posting.
Take care.
Bets
Last edited by Underdog; 02/20/0402:33 AM.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I'm so glad that your day went well at the Capitol!
You have much to be proud of, and your daughters are very fortunate to have such a dedicated mom. I know you will say that you are just playing the hand you were dealt, but not all parents would take such an active stand. GO YOU!!
It is always comforting to find those with similar crosses to bear. I know it is the most theraputic thing for me - hence this BB. It kind of grounds you, keeps you focused and of course, SANE!!
We missed you, but I am very glad you had such a good trip!
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
Thanks for stopping by my place. I'm sorry I've been off the BB lots lately--but my life is happening around me and it was time to go live it. Now that I'm out of meetings, I'll do a little better.
Before I do, here is my horoscope for today:
Fascinating things are already starting to happen, yet the weekend has only just begun. If you carry on making progress at this rate, you'll hardly recognise yourself or your situation by Sunday. Or rather, you'll recognise yourself for the first time in ages... and you'll see, in your world, something that seems every bit as welcome as it is oddly familiar. You're going forward at a rate of knots yet you're also going back; to an ideal you held dear before you gave up on it, or to a power that you have long yearned to reclaim.
Wonder what this means?
I've had several sort of boring convos with Mr. Wonderful since last night. But the typical ennui was riddled with differences in communications.
He had mentioned last night taking all of us to dinner some place on Sunday night to celebrate D9's birthday. On my way to work this morning, I left him a voicemail suggesting the restaurant that was catering the golf tournament?
He phoned back and commented, "Well, I don't know. It's awfully far. Why do you think it's a good idea?"
Well, it is about a half hour from the house, tops. And this restaurant is nationally known and pretty nice, if not a wee bit pricey--they serve Fosters, if you get my drift.
Me: "Because they foot a huge catering bill last year and are going to do it again this year. I thought it would be sort of nice to give the guy some business for his generosity."
MW kept mumbling and stammering, trying to come up with a bonafide reason not to head north. He finally muttered, "It seems awfully far to go for dinner."
Me: Irritated but keeping my tonality completely neutral--I had to work at this. "Mr. W., it was a question, not a command. You asked me for input and I gave it. You don't have to like it. No is just as good an answer as yes--I'm a big girl and I promise I won't be disappointed or sulk."
MW: "Well, since you said that, no. It's too far."
Me: "Okay. I guess you and D9 can come up with a good place that doesn't serve mac & cheese and can order wine with dinner."
MW: "Uh, yes. That's a good idea."
Me: Switching gears, because I'm ROCKING on the golf tournament today. I got 2 more teams with hole sponsorships, and I have a few more to call today. They've confirmed sizes and I'll get the logo for the one I don't have sometime next week."
MW: Incredulous. I could tell that Bob was hovering under the surface. "Are you serious? Really? How did you get these confirmations?"
Me: "I called them and managed to get all but 2 on the phone. They knew I'd eventually call anyway, so it's just easier to get a commitment now."
MW: "I think I'm going to take off work a little early so I can go make more phone calls myself."
Me: "Okay. Listen, do you need anything else from me? Because my phone is ringing off the hook...?
MW: "Uh, no, that's it for now. Bye."
After I got off the phone with the person who called me, I noticed my red light on--indicating more messages. It was Mr. Wonderful.
VMMW: "Uh, Bets, I just wanted to apologize for being so grumpy with you on the phone awhile ago. I'm still having trouble with thinking about Mom and I know I wasn't very nice to you. I had a few minutes to think about the restaurant choice, and I think it's a great idea. I'll tell D9 when I get her later on. Will you call me to tell me you got this?"
I was waiting to secure 2 more hole sponsorships before calling him back, so he called me again before I could call him.
MW: "Did you get my message?"
Me: "Yes, thanks. I appreciate the apology. It's okay and I understand."
MW: "I'm in the car and will let you know what progress I make when we talk next."
Me: "Uh, okay. BTW, I'm in the middle of writing an email to SG to ask him to be a celebrity golfer." Yes, this is the same sportscaster I have my eye on....
MW: Almost Bob-like. "Wow, that's an incredible idea!!! What made you think of him?"
Me: Lying in bed on weekends and watching the sportscast is all I need to think about him. "Well, Channel 7 did a story about D6 back in 2000, and it was right to give him first dibs. Plus he loves golf and kids."
MW: "Let me know if he says yes, okay?"
Me: What if I ask him to with me and he says yes. Do I have to tell him this too? "Okay"
I've actually spoken to him once more since that last convo. He says maybe he'll see me at the grocery store tonight? Why? Yes, I'm going, but this is the place I stalk Brian, not Mr. Wonderful.
Oh well, I should just keep working more on the tournament. He just confuses me more...
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
VMMW: "Uh, Bets, I just wanted to apologize for being so grumpy with you on the phone awhile ago. I'm still having trouble with thinking about Mom and I know I wasn't very nice to you. I had a few minutes to think about the restaurant choice, and I think it's a great idea. I'll tell D9 when I get her later on. Will you call me to tell me you got this?"
Excuse me while I pass out. Did you just hallucinate this message? Is this what happens when you give up fish-eating? Remind me to step up my efforts a notch. Me: What if I ask him to with me and he says yes. Do I have to tell him this too? "Okay"
No - here is your free " with hot sportscaster guy" coupon.
And maybe he's stalking YOU at the grocery store. Oh, no! He's on to you!
LMAO, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Here's to BB friends! 
