Cross country DB with WAS

[Anders]

Journal

I came across this online today:
--
Forgiveness is like the purest form of love itself. It has no agenda, and should not be brought into the dynamic of your breakup and commitment to win him/her back simply as a strategy or an obligation. Rather, you ask for it and offer it for one reason only – it’s the right thing to do. Forgiveness is what love would do, and that’s always the acid test for anything you’re considering saying or doing from this point forward.
--

Timely for me. I am struggling with who WAW is right now, who I believe she is and who she really is. And with that, my part in all of this.

[Anders]

I saw 'Fireproof' for the second time last night.

The first time was four years ago. Our R issues were just beginning to bubble strong enough that we went to MC. MC recommended this along with the 'Love Dare' book.

I don't remember what I thought of it the first time. I do remember W saying it was okay as a movie. Things were not yet that bad in hindsight.

Last night, I was watching a replay of our M when I the movie again.

And I broke down. It was realizing how there were so many points where it was so much easier to get back on track compared to where we are now. And how unaware we were.

But there was also a profound sense of gratitude in my realizing this.

In the past year, I had done a relatively good job of keeping a PMA no matter what. But I was still focused on resolving my own pain. Not that I was unaware of WAW's pain but the focus was mainly on my pain. To me, her front came across as strength and indifference. I was taking on the role of the victim.

Watching the movie reminded me again that it is not all about me.

[Anders]

I was reading the intro. to the 'Love Dare' and saw a very familiar phrase: "Think of it as a marathon, not a sprint. But it's a race worth winning."

For now, I won't try to engage her with the 'Love Dare'. But I will read and go through it again for my own growth. Still a lot of lessons coming my way.

[Anders]

I met up with a friend yesterday who is going through a discovery journey with his wife. Hearing how they are communicating about their fears and worries about their marriage was uplifting.

But it also made me wonder what do I do about my situation?

Every time I have doubts about this, I go back and read Sandi's rules which are fantastic.

But I also can't help but wonder if doing nothing in a long distance situation is the right thing to do?

Friend recommended I send WAW a small subtle gift. Sandi's rule #8 immediately came to mind but I didn't mention it.

Then re-watching "Fireproof" I see a message to continue loving acts regardless of how they are received.

I seem to be getting hints to do something at this stage.

The question is: Is doing nothing doing actually something or do I really need to take charge (in the context of the long distance) and do something?

Vets your advice would be most welcome (I would beg & plead for advice but I read somewhere that that can be a real turn off : ) ).

[Anders]

bump

[Anders]

Wow. I am going through some major mood swings today.

I went from feeling optimistic and feeling gung ho about being patient, to feeling angry at how WAW has been so cold towards me to wondering if it is all too late.

Her EAs keep coming to mind and how she was so adamant that nothing was going on.

[bashy]

I met up with a friend yesterday who is going through a discovery journey with his wife. Hearing how they are communicating about their fears and worries about their marriage was uplifting.

But it also made me wonder what do I do about my situation?

Every time I have doubts about this, I go back and read Sandi's rules which are fantastic.

But I also can't help but wonder if doing nothing in a long distance situation is the right thing to do?

Friend recommended I send WAW a small subtle gift. Sandi's rule #8 immediately came to mind but I didn't mention it.

Then re-watching "Fireproof" I see a message to continue loving acts regardless of how they are received.

I seem to be getting hints to do something at this stage.

The question is: Is doing nothing doing actually something or do I really need to take charge (in the context of the long distance) and do something?
Vets your advice would be most welcome (I would beg & plead for advice but I read somewhere that that can be a real turn off : ) ).

This is something I am fighting with at the moment. I'm getting on with WAW great at the moment and last night she emailed two pics of her and D to me for no reason. This all so difficult.

My thoughts are with you my friend!

[Anders]

I'm getting on with WAW great at the moment and last night she emailed two pics of her and D to me for no reason. This all so difficult.

My thoughts are with you my friend!

Thanks Bashy. This forum is great for getting support and advice.

On your WAW sending the pics: I know they say to only believe half of what they do but that would be hard not to get excited about. You are showing real strength there.

When you say that you are getting on great with WAW, are you making progress towards bringing down the wall she has put up?

What are some of the things that your are doing/not doing that is working for your sitch.?

[bashy]

Hi db. I'm being her friend. Not bringing up our relationship (past or future). Helping her with D or the odd job in house if needed as her dad is ill in hospital. Going a little dark regarding texts/phone calls. I rarely text or ring her except with regard to D. Being happy around her and confident. Dressing well all the time. Trying to smell nice too.

However, there have been blips and I could do better (You can read them on my posts)... I need to not answer the phone within seconds every time she rings. I need to not 'be there' all the time when she needs me. I need to GAL more.

However, AGAIN, if you read my story you will find that even these aren't always the best ways to go. DB vet '25' has been a great help with me in this regard.

[Underdog]

Alright DB, I'm caught up. Thank you for having 2 threads to make that easy for me. I was planning an all morning review, in between work stuff 'cause I actually DO work, believe it or not.

So, my first thoughts are that you and your W:

1. Do a whole lot of assuming
2. Have a fairly poor communication pattern
3. Do not trust each other.

The last one is the one that jumps out at me. And it's exactly why I saw red flags in the Validation thread, as you shared your message. Can you elaborate why she believes she can't trust you? After all, she's the one who has engaged in an EA, so I understand why you wouldn't trust her. What gives? Please don't hide that here - it's to help. I was one of the many who engaged in an EA which almost turned PA as well. And I understand the "why" now.

You've read a lot of good books, and I was a bit surprised to see that you've been on this journey for 2 years. That's a long time, friend. In those 2 years, has anything changed? Apparently, your communicating patterns haven't. And I'd probably like to start there.

Also, after 2 years with seemingly little progress reconciling, is that truly still your goal? Do you think if you fixed some of your systemic issues (at least on your side), your W would be open to working on things?

And since I DB'd my ass off for 2 years before my D happened, I can only speak for myself, but at the end of that journey, I really didn't even want him back anymore. So if you say that, I promise I will understand, and so would most people here.

So it's disclosure time. Tell us more about the history part, because I have a feeling the devil is in *those* details.

Betsey