KGirl - Movin' On and Out!

[mdu]

KGirl, I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's an awful place to be. My H and I are separated a little over a month and honestly, it feels like it was for the best. It was WAY too emotionally intense when we were together. He had an A and while he claimed it was over he was on his phone all the time making me constantly suspicious and anxious that they were still in contact. While separation is tough (the worst part is my kids are gone with him part time) it has definitely helped me maintain my sanity and get a better grip on things. I hope you end up feeling some benefits from it as well and not just the heartache.

[labug]

Hmm. I've been saying I wish my H would be able to say I'm sorry without a "but" ("I'm sorry, but [insert justification for behavior here]". Today I got an I'm sorry, without a "but." Preceding it, H was telling me a story about a client whose wife was leaving him to illustrate that this "isn't just happening to us." Yes, I'm quite aware other people in the world are getting divorced, thanks. That doesn't mean that makes this OK!

H: If this doesn't work out, I'm sorry I put you through this. I'm sorry for hurting you. This isn't something I ever envisioned happening, until recently. [?? "until recently?" whatever that means]
Me: OK. I understand.
H: I just wanted to let you know.
Me: OK. *sneaks off to cry in the bathroom for a while*

I don't know what, if anything, that means. Particularly the "if this doesn't work out" like it's a possibility and not a certainty. Blah. Not half an hour before all that, he was mad at me because I accidentally put a tissue through the laundry so there were little bits of tissue all stuck in the washing machine, and was saying that he was looking forward to not having to clean up "other people's messes."

You got what you wanted.

Did it have the effect you were after?

[KGirl]

Hmm. Good question. On the one hand, I think it's a step in the right direction that he's acknowledging that he hurt me and taking ownership of that. It's a swing from his prior stance of "This is what I need to be happy, we'll both be better off."

But on the other hand... I still want more. I want it to be an apology AND a promise/effort to fix it. I know he doesn't want to do that right now, though, so this may be the best he can offer.

[KGirl]

The blow up over who gets what finally happened. It wasn't over the kitchen stuff like I though it would be. Instead, it was over a giant wall clock. This was a clock I had picked out for our wedding registry, because I always liked the idea of a huge wall clock above a fireplace or on an accent wall. H wouldn't even let me hang it in our apartment after we got married because he didn't want to put a big hole in the wall. Now it hangs in the family room, which doesn't get used much because there's no TV. So it wasn't even a question in my mind that I would take it.
Me: Oh, we didn't talk about the clocks. I'll leave you the small one, but I'm taking the big one.
H: I thought we talked about clocks and you weren't taking any.
*screeech* what? I would certainly remember such a conversation
Me: No, I would have not have said that.
H: If you take it, there'll be nothing on the wall in that room.
Me: You didn't even want this clock. I don't understand why you want it now.
H: I'll just buy you another clock.
Me: No, I want that particular clock. If you just want something to fill the space on the wall, you could certainly go and get any clock.

Then I let one of my not-so-nice thoughts slip out..
Me: It's funny how you seem to like everything that I've picked out and decorated for this house, but you don't like me enough to want me to stay here.
H: *rolls eyes and makes exasperated sound* Fine, whatever. Just take it.

I know it seems really dumb to be fighting over a $100 clock. But, it's like the final straw in H suddenly showing interest in all of the work I put into making our house a home. I was the one who put in all the effort. H never cared, or said it was a waste of money, or if I brought something home barely glanced and it and ignored it. And now suddenly he has a huge interest in everything. It p*sses me off greatly. Right now it's hard to imagine coming back after all this hurt.

[Thornton]

Don't get sucked in to his selfishness! It's a material thing, let it go!

You want to leave on a good note, even if you're pissed. Do you want him to miss you? If so, leave gracefully.

[KGirl]

Blah. I know, Thornton. I know I shouldn't let this kind of crap bother me but I also don't want to be walked all over... and, there's just something about leaving things that were given to us by my family or parents under different circumstances (like, getting married!) that doesn't seem right. I think I would be resentful knowing that my parents or family put forth that effort and work to provide us with something, only for him to benefit from it when he doesn't want to be M anymore. He doesn't deserve it. Probably not the right mindset. Hopefully it will pass come this weekend. He just got done telling me that he's angry I'm taking half of the bedroom furniture...?? It's not very rational. I don't know what he thinks (he's probably not thinking), that I'll just pick my clothes out of boxes every day?

[Thornton]

If there's something that you feel you must take, compromise with him. Be friendly (Act as if). Show him how mature you can be in the face of adversity.

If he wants to act like a 6 year old, let him. But don't sink to his level.

It's not a contest to see who can get what... unless you allow it to become a contest.

The material things are replaceable. Plus, the things you leave behind might end up being reminders of you for him.

[KGirl]

You're right, Thornton. I'm not exactly leaving him with good impression of me. I'm so exhausted right now, emotionally and physically. My tolerance and patience levels are low. I feel like I have no energy left to try and put on a positive front. My M has ended, I am moving out of a house that I saved for years to buy into a small apartment, I have to go out and replace a bunch of things, I'm leaving the cat behind, I get angry when I have to unlock a bunch of doors and climb flights of stairs just to bring in groceries now... it's a lot right now. I'm just thankful that it's summer, so my job is less busy. I work with college students and if I had to hear one more "This class I wanted is full and the other ones are at 7:45am, what am I going to do, it's NOT FAIR!" I don't know what I'd do. I'm also thankful that it's just me that has to go through this and not little human beings as well.

But, today is a new day. I'll try to pull it together. The "negotiations" are done, today I just need him to help with some bigger things (detaching a mirror from a dresser). He had offered to take some things over to my place and help me unpack them to free up some boxes (I ran out last night!) but I don't know that I want him in my new place. I'd kinda rather keep it mysterious. Several of my helpers backed out at the last minute from helping me move so I'm a little stressed about getting it all in done before it's supposed to start storming tomorrow afternoon.

[labug]

So was it really about the clock?

[KGirl]

That's a harder question to answer than I thought. On the one hand, some of it was. My sister gave us the clock as a wedding gift, so it has sentimental value to me - it came from someone close to me (as opposed to, say, someone from H's family picking it out and thinking of us when getting it). It was something I valued. But a lot of my anger that came out (whereas I could have found a calmer way to discuss my feelings about it and why it was important) was about the fact that H KNOWS it is important to me and yet wanted to keep it for himself. Not even as a sentimental thing, but just to have something to go on the wall. And that he thinks it will be fine to just buy me a different one (which really wouldn't be a solution for me because he said that about the bedroom furniture, then procrastinated and procrastinated until it was too late to do it - I don't believe he'll follow through on it.) So, some of it was about the clock I would say, but a lot of it was the whole spirit of all this and everything behind it - my anger that he's not seeing negative consequences of his actions.