Quote: I've discovered along the way that it's easier to forgive someone I love than it is to forgive someone who I don't.
I couldn't agree more. I think that perhaps it is time to work on forgiving my own MIL, even though she is very much alive and very much an active role in our lives. This forgiveness will have to be of the on-going kind. Ugh.
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
Oddly enough, on my way to work this morning I sensed her with me and D9 in the car. I had just dropped D6 off at camp (they have a non-contact day today)... a voice that I knew was her told me she finally understood what she would not see while she was alive--that I DO love her son.
Moments of clarity, understanding, acceptance and peacefulness are few and far between. This event was all that, not only for you, but for your MIL too.
With this understanding Bets, you are well on your way to forgiveness. Not only with MIL, but with Mr. W too.
Triple J
Things were different then. All is different now. I tried to explain, somehow..........
Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam)
Well then, Bob, feel free to COME ON DOWN!!!!! Okay, somebody had to say it. Just make sure he knows I'm not a stage lady, cuz I don't think D would appreciate me and Bob being involved in a, um, "dalliance."
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Quote: I couldn't agree more. I think that perhaps it is time to work on forgiving my own MIL, even though she is very much alive and very much an active role in our lives. This forgiveness will have to be of the on-going kind. Ugh.
Yep, forgiveness is a long term journey... it really took 4 solid months of work in this area to forgive Mr. Wonderful for leaving me and the girls. I had my wonderful surrogate mother as my head coach and the Lenten season as a means of doing the work.
And guess what? The good news is that Lent is just one week away...
So how about we do this together?
Last year, I went to Stations of the Cross every Friday evening (barring a few where my presence was required elsewhere)--it was somehow extremely cathartic to travel the road to Calvary and forgive.
Yes, I usually walked out of the church in tears, but found solace hanging out with my surrogate parents and having a beer afterward... Since they also had a disabled son and were separated for nearly a year, I found them credible and worth the effort to listen to what they were trying to tell me.
So here's what I will do for Lent: give up chewing gum and forgive my MIL. Are you in? Or do I have to place bets on my own thread as well?
Bets
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
My update tonight since I will be posting few and far between over the next couple days. Tomorrow is a meeting at work, including our out-of-town employees, on resetting corporate goals. And Thursday is my big day at the Capitol.
So here goes.
We had barely been home 10 minutes when Mr. Wonderful called--yes, from his car! He had been crying and was on the way to his brother's house for dinner.
You may guess (correctly) that he was in the mood to fill me in. I can fully appreciate all the years I spent doing volunteer work at hospice--validation is a really big theme there (you might be wondering why I couldn't bring that home with me? ).
He told me that his mom was cremated this afternoon, and he was able to head to the mortuary for his final viewing. His brother refused to go, and his dad wanted to be last. He said it was weird. I'll accept that as the truth--I've never buried a parent, and I can only imagine what one might feel.
He said he did make peace with her and asked her to watch over D6.
He then told me that he and his dad have engaged in some wonderfully healing and grieving discussions. He was more than surprised to discover that his father loved his mother deeply. I asked him why he was surprised and he said, "I don't know. I really figured they hated each other because they were both so miserably unhappy."
I asked him if he really thought that and he said, "Yes, tell me you didn't think the same thing?"
I said, "K, actually, no. I never felt that your parents didn't love each other."
I think if he hadn't been in his car, he would have fallen off his seat. He asked me why. (I hope you guys are proud of my answer...)
"Your dad has lived 49 years with your mom and taken really good care of her, particularly over the past few years. Yes, they were miserable with each other, but not because there was a lack of love."
He seemed interested in what I was saying and asked me to go on.
"The love was buried under layers of resentment, guilt and despair, but it was there. Your mom made sure your dad had 3 square meals on the table every day until she could no longer do so. Your dad made sure she had oxygen long after the insurance benefits were exhausted. He took her grocery shopping, he was her chauffeur anywhere she wanted or needed to go--whether the destination was 5 minutes, to CA or to CO. They DID love each other K. Love is a decision, not a feeling, and they chose to love each other in spite of their human failings."
He was silent and I could tell that he was crying.
Mr. Wonderful is not a spiritually enlightened man, but I'm thinking he's reevaluating his beliefs. I tested the waters by letting him know that his mom paid me a visit this morning.
He commented, "Were you surprised to see her?"
Me: "No. Actually, I've been expecting her."
MW: "Did she tell you I asked her to watch over D6?"
Me: "No, what she had to say concerned her, me and you."
MW: "Can you tell me anything?"
Me: "Well, she started out by saying she was sorry."
MW: Disbelieving but hoping--because these words were never spoken by her. "Really?"
Me: A little choked up. "Yes, and I get the feeling that Paulette was with her." Paulette was her youngest sister, who died in November.
MW: "When did she come to you? In a dream? I would believe that Paulette would be with her."
Me: "No, I don't usually get the visits in dreams anymore. She paid me a visit while putting my makeup on and another one in the car."
MW: "Wow, go on."
Me: "She told me she was sorry for not budging on her judgments about me--she said she firmly wanted to believe when she was alive that I never loved you. And she said she was really and truly sorry for feeling that way--because she knows that nothing could be further from the truth."
MW: "Yes, she did believe that, Betsey. She told me that on more than one occasion."
Me: Wow. She never actually said this to me when she was alive--I just felt that she believed this. Still a little choked up. "There's more, but I'm not ready to tell you about it yet."
MW: "Okay, I respect that. I understand."
He then told me about the discovery of her secret bank accounts, and mentioned that his dad is really upset about this. I commented, "Wow, you'd have thought she would have come clean after he learned about the account that got her kitchen remodeling project 10 years ago. Remember?"
He said, "OMG! I had totally forgotten about that one. How much $ was in that one?"
Me: "Almost 30K." (And there is WAY more money in the new secret accounts.) His father feels very betrayed because the money came from his salary and pension and he was under the impression that they had invested in things together--the truth was that she funneled the money into accounts where she was the primary account holder and the beneficiary was Mr. W.'s brother...
BIL has decided to give the money back to his dad in entirety (which doesn't surprise me at all).
They're half afraid to find out if there are more lurking out there.
On a lighter note, he said he was ready to come home and planned on taking off Thursday morning if the weather is clear. He said something about taking all of us out to dinner for D9's birthday on Sunday (I'm going to have a rough time transitioning my brain to type D10).
Let's just hope he uses the trip back to evaluate what he's learned over the past few days. I hope his dad's enlightening conversation gives him hope that all of what lies between us is repairable.
We'll have to see, won't we?
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
AAAHHHH! I'm getting VerKlempt (I don't know how to spell it). I am crying, so you know. You are so blessed to have the ability to hear people come to you. I always wanted my mom to come to me and it never happens.
My priest says that I'm looking in the wrong places. He said it could be something as simple as a cardinal on the branches. I want to be more enlightened!! Stages of the cross this year...I'm in.
Betsey, I truly hope this tragedy can be a catalyst for Mr. W to take stock and really take a hard look at his choices. I don't think I ever mentioned this, but I have a sister that is 7 years older than me. When she was born her oxygen was cut off and she is TOTALLY mentally retarded. She is in good health but her brain functions at that of a toddler. The reason I mention this is that I believe my dad went through a lot of what Mr. W is going through. He most certainly lost his faith.
My dad wanted me to name my children after my sister because he sees her as an angel on earth, I think he has a lot of guilt about the way he handled things. My mom patterned her (that's an old fashioned word, but something tells me you'll know what I mean) and meanwhile my dad started his MLC. Once my mom got cancer it was all down hill.
I know I'm rambling, but I guess my point is that Mr. W is at a crossroads now and I really hope he makes good choices. Thank GOD he didn't have an OW because I think the guilt of that on top of everything else would be too much.
You're a good friend Betsey. Your post yesterday really made me feel like I was doing the right thing. Thank you so much. I read the post to my sister (not the one I spoke of above ) and she couldn't believe how on target you were. She said she was glad she was able to hear that because she was afraid I was getting my support from people in LaLaland
).
) and she couldn't believe how on target you were. She said she was glad she was able to hear that because she was afraid I was getting my support from people in LaLaland 