thanks for note. it helps to hear another sane voice. i like that you say it may or may not be good advice. we all can only try - rite? i think that my self-value is okay - tho rest of world may not agree.
no kidding- i've never been soooo on the "outs" with everyone alive as i am these-a-days. maybe my usual "good sport-i[ness" is in serious remission and i've lost my "game". oh man......
who knwos?
you know, i think also that the longevity has a heck of alot to do with it all, decisions , choices and who i am - i've been "intertwangled" with this guy for so long- hard to know where i end and r&h begin - know what i mean ? i miss my friend of every day too. i've spent my whole adult life with this guy- 1/2 of an "us" - i'm good with being half of an "us". i thought he was my family. i'm not so hot in the "just me" dept. it's a bore. i'm a pack animal- i miss my pack. where the heck did it go? .
i keep deciding same as you - to just go with it & flow along & see. i honestly do not know which one it is. you put it exactly. THEN I begin to wonder if i'm deciding or just sucking up what he's doling out- then i get confused and run away. i feel it's sooo important- then i also feel exhausted by it all- and like i've spent and wasted maybe too much time and energy even thinkign about it all - or talkign about it.
i do think i'm quitting it a bit these days. i'm more and more just stfu in general because it bores even me.
i needed some validation i guess from somewhere today ....so thank you alot.
so he just called back - he's planning and researching a trip to martha's vineyard when he comes up. how the heck can you be systematically destroying someone's love for you- simultaneously with planning a nice little fun trip. it's sooo insane and crazy- it makes me feel crazy. rite?
i told him at time of bd that he should get his head x-rayed for some tumor pressing on his brain. he was nuts. i still wonder, you know???
thanks again. i went outside and dug around- chatted with care-giver next door from Ghana - yikes... i am grateful for all the good things in my life. i wish i had her implicit faith in God - that he will sort thru any problem and handle it. i'm tryin..
in answer to your question - - no, i don't think money would change things. (only wouldn't worry about money i guess) you get it, it's the long long time together. it's a part of who you are - like it or not- it changes everything about this choice...the choice to chop this person out of your life for good - it's big..
oh well.... i like to blame it on money- it seems less insane to everyone if i say i stay for him to pay the bills. i guess it's less pitiful and more practical than remnants of love & life together. the sorting process - i'm the woman with the attic full of "stuff"...i have trouble letting go
