You sound awfully healthy to me. (Of course, I'm heading into some counseling myself next week for awhile, so what do I know?)
You, me and BA have the death/grieving thing going on right now. I lost my mentor and father figure earlier this year, and I'm also the executor. He preplanned as well, but even then, It's been really difficult. The emotions pop up at really inconvenient times. Like your mom, I could practically hear him telling me to stop with the emotional crap and move on with the business aspects of dissolving a household and estate. As if.
BUT I'm not built to withstand those types of feelings. They come out sideways and inappropriately. And I'm not willing to pretend it's working for me to pay homage to someone else's voice inside my head. I knew I really needed a safe place to talk through my grief when I walked into his house while the estate people were staging and pricing his household stuff... everything had a price tag on it. And once I started bawling, I couldn't stop. It was awful and I felt like crap for the rest of the day. I looked like a 2 year old who needed a nap.
I'm happy for you that you're getting another little angel in your life (girl or boy). Proof of life is often a facilitator in the grief process.
Quote:
From my point of view the most liberating aspect of the divorce is I no longer need to justify decisions I make. The only person I can experience reproach from is me. The consequences of decisions are mine and mine alone. I find being beholding only to myself to be rather relaxing. I am more at ease and happier than I have been in a long time. After all I get along with myself quite well.
I am totally right there with you on this one. I've been officially divorced for 9 years now, and the longer I go with being happy for these very reasons, I find it difficult to fathom life any differently. I truly hope that some day I find some steady companionship with someone important, but I'm not sure I really want to get married again. I've really and truly come to appreciate and value the solitary side of my personality that can only be recharged by having these "rights". I know it sounds weird, but it's true.
So in the end, I hope you honor whatever feelings and needs you have, not just because someone said they want you to be different. I'm not saying you should plan to cry in the produce section at the grocery store because your mom loved kumquats, and they look amazing right now... but to have some personal time to reflect and be sad without feeling bad or even guilty for shedding tears. I don't think that death is easy, and it's never a convenient time to lose a parent. Natural, maybe. But good? Nope.
Semper fi. I've always had a secret thing for Marines. Now it's just not so secret, is it?
Hugs-Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
