Last night, I went to H’s apartment to tuck D7 in. When I was with her, she said, Mommy, when is Daddy going to stop living in this apartment and live in our house again? I said, That isn’t really a question I can answer. You’d need to ask Daddy about that. Immediately, she called out, Daddy, when are you going to live in our house again. H said, Can we talk about that another time? and then told her he was going to walk me to the door. We had a brief conversation where I said that I didn’t feel it was good for her to delay answering these questions. He said that he thought we were waiting to tell her. We were waiting to tell her until after her academic testing was complete, but that testing was over on Monday. He has previously said that we never have to tell her that we are getting D. I told him last night that refusing to answer her questions is like lying to her and it will make her unlikely to trust us or what we are saying. He just seemed frustrated with the whole situation. We agreed that I would talk to her IC about it this morning.
So, I met with the therapist we found first thing this morning. She wanted to understand what has gone on before her first meeting with D7. I really liked her. The bookshelf in her office had a copy of DR right where I could see it. She has recommended that we talk to D7 about the situation before next Friday as that is their first session. She agrees that if D7 is asking these questions, we can’t prolong it. We also talked about the fact that H told D7 that he would tuck her in when she was with me and vice versa. I told her that D7 is bothered by H’s inconsistency and that I felt it wasn’t something that was sustainable long-term. She agreed. She thinks that we should also tell D7 that from now on, I will tuck her in at my house and H will tuck her in at his apartment, but that she is welcome to call either of us at any time.
I called H after the appointment and told him what the recommendations were. He agreed that we need to talk about what we are going to say to her. I think we will be having the conversation with her over the weekend. I’m not looking forward to that at all. The IC suggested a couple of books and gave me a packet about kids and D, so I’ll be doing some reading after my plans tonight. So, once we tell D7 that we will not be tucking her in at the other person’s house, I’m expecting a couple of things to happen. First, I think that she is going to be very upset by this. However, I think that not seeing H everyday will make detachment easier for me.
If anyone has any advice about the conversation with D7, please let me know. I’m really dreading it. I know that this was a defining moment in my own childhood and I never wanted her to experience it.
