hope456 - he filed, what now?

[hope456]

As always, thank you Jenn, SemperFi, 25, and labug for your responses. You've given me lots to think about.

Also, consider the next statement b/c it's MY perception, it's how something struck me.

It's that the times you say you are sad to "see him struggling" sound less like compassion for him, and more like an extreme form of enabling.

25 - Have you been talking to my sister? She and I just had a conversation about this very thing. The "conversation" had her sighing in frustration/exasperation A LOT. I'm making note of this to think about some more because I think it requires/deserves a lot of self-reflection. My initital thoughts are that I do enable him entirely too much. I don't think I did this before our first separation. I think it came after we reconciled then. I am certain that it is fear-based. My sister sees it that way as well. My H is the only person I do this with. In general, I'm very good with setting boundaries, but I do not set them with him at all. I have a lot of work to do here.

I guess It's just that to me, it's odd to pity someone for their confusion WHILE they are divorcing you. I get why your DB coach says to build from the friendship, but I'm interested in how she feels about those types of reactions in you, and how much your h is pretending that "everything is the same...except..."
and how much it helps him when you continue to "validate". My DB coach said to "listen like a lover" But she excluded the topic of Divorce and his new groovy single life, from that category. I wonder if your coach might react differently about the friendship, at those times.

I do think I have compassion for my H, as strange as that may seem. I think what I really have compassion for is that feeling he seems to have that happiness is out there just waiting for him to find it. Some of this compassion probably comes from my mom behaving in a very similar way. I also believe that he suffers from depression and that has a big impact on the decisions he is making. That said, I still think most of my reactions/decisions are based on fear of him really going through with D. Your comments regarding validating and friendship make a lot of sense to me. I'm going to talk to my DB coach about them during our next call.

Were you working on these issues before the BD? IF so, how do you feel about the IC you have? There is a workshop you might consider. It's called "Essential Experience", in Philadelphia. ITs a personal growth workshop for individuals, not couples (though couples do attend. And when you get the tools to make yourself happier, it spills over into your M, and other r's in your life.)

I highly recommend it. I'd say it's life changing. Several DBers have gone too, (Autumn Leaves, PowerOfNow, LuckyLuke, and more) and they very much endorse it. It's there that you''ll get tools for creating your new fulfilling life, and identify areas where you might be sabotaging your life, and how to engage in NEW behaviors...it's the most profound thing I've attended.

I worked on them a lot during our first separation. I had a great IC then. Now, I live in a different state, so I can't see her. I went three years ago to see another IC because of my anxiety issues. I didn't like that IC as much. After BD, I found another IC, but I only saw her for a few months. I felt that she constantly projected issues from her own divoce years ago on my situation. She actually encouraged me to hire a PI to have my H followed to determine if he was having an A. I will look into EE. It sounds very beneficial.

That niece (the now 22 y/o) said to someone who overheard, "I love my dad but who would ever marry him?" I am ashamed to admit that I was glad to hear that...I just needed to know that my niece "got it" and she did. And without her mom, my former sil, ever saying a bad thing about my brother.

My D7 is very perceptive and already makes comments about H. I am very careful to not say anything around her, so I know this is coming from her own mind. Two nights ago, H wasn't there to tuck her in. He saw her briefly earlier in the day and to him that counts as tucking her in. She doesn't see it that way. As I was sitting in her bed with her, she said, "Where's Daddy?" I told her that he wouldn't be there that night and reminded her that he saw her and gave her hugs and kisses earlier in the day. She said, "He's never here like he says. I think he's just making excuses." It makes me very sad that she's having to experience this.

Your mil is in a terrible position. I have a son in his 20s, and if were to leave his wife without a damn good reason, I'd be so disappointed. Even as much as I love him, it would deeply hurt me to see him do that to a woman who loves him.

She said something similar. She kept apologizing to me and I finally said, "This isn't your fault." She replied that she was very hurt that her son would do this to someone she loved.

I can't help but think your h has such an obvious back up plan that he will never fear losing that, and thus, won't ever feel the need to come home...I mean, based on how it has worked so far (keeping you plugged in and NOT detached), I think he believes he can always return later.

Why bother doing it until if and when he "has to"? And that would most likely occur, if ever, when he fears losing you.

Make sense?

Yes it makes SO much sense. I think you are right about him feeling that he has an ovious back up plan. I know you are right that I am not detached.

Question: What would you suggest I say if he starts talking to me about his anxiety over figuring out what to do next in his life since he never expected his life to be like this? Not sure if I posted that before, but that is an actual thing he has said to me. Last time, I validated that statement, but I don't really think I should have. I also don't think I should say "You're the one who wanted this!"

The list is good but I would say add something that's more about taking care of you. Something that's a treat. You deserve it. Why would anyone else value you if you don't?


In the future when you start believing everything your mind tells you, remember this experience with your MIL. You were so sure the R with her was over, that's the story your mind was telling you.

It wasn't true. So when you start getting into that victim thing, challenge yourself. Ask, What do I know to be true? In the case with MIL, all you knew was you hadn't talked to her for a couple of months and your H had told her he filed. Putting 2+2 together and coming up with 6 isn't helpful.

I think I need an appointment for a massage. I NEVER treat myself to them unless I'm on vacation. Does that count?

I will keep this example in mind. I have a tendency to jump into the future and assume that I know what people are going to think/do and, obviously, I don't always have all the answers.

I had an appointment with D7's IC this morning. More on that in another post.

Thanks again, everyone.

Oh, and as for GAL, I'm going to dinner and a play with a group of friends tonight.