NERO - still afloat - "JUST"

[uRworthy]

Hey Nero. I was thinking of you today. First of all, because I dont have any flowers in my yard. Yea, that isnt right.

But also because I saw something you wrote on Bea's thread. You have amazing gifts, my friend. A wonderful, creative imagination, an incredible green thumb, etc.

I know you arent ready to do something different with your sitch. But, I am wondering if you can put your creative juices to more use. Figure out some way to channel them into something that will make you some money.

I know you have done some craft fairs and such, but, can you do more? Can you find one thing that you really love to make and make a whole bunch of them? Sell them on Etsy, maybe.

I think you need to fill your time up since all that has happened to you lately.

I would like to see you have more good feelings and to feel filled up some.

Anyway, just my and my head on overdrive. LOL!

[nero]

hey hi-

come get some- i've got a ton and they're all going crazy at the moment.

i know, i would love to hone in on something i love and do it til my head fall off. been immersed in a giant collage last few days- began couple years ago but got "stuck" about gown- had idea other morning and have been working like mad. time just slips away- 7 hrs later, still gluing away. i must be world's slowest glue-er- but still ike it. workin in yard too- it's beginning to look better. lots of hard manual labor- feel less enthisiastic about THAT.

YOU'RE RIte- i do need to get DOING someting. i keep thinkinf stil i'm having a "rest" with no huge respoinsibility or obligations. i'm sure i'm not "entitled" - but since i can- i just find myself thinking i am.

one of these days, weeks, years i'm sure i'll be whammed over the head with "reality" - whateverthell that is or is going to be-

still just feel like i'm having some giant "aftermath" thing going on.

life sure is strange- ya gotta wonder about it all. workin hard on not having resentment or anger or anything toward sisters (ha ! rite)???) - anyway- still trying.

i have quite a bit of patience in life.

h is being very nice & generous. makes me wonder why bother? i honestly cannot imagine what the heck he has going on in his head. or heart . i can't figure if it would be better if we lived together allll the time- it would have either kept us together or broken us apart alot quicker i think than this arrangement. it's pretty "old" - isn't it?

oh well- one more evening rite? i can always leave tomorrow, blah blah blah


i'm tired of hearing myself talk here or even think- try to avoid it usually - tra la. maybe i need a glass of wine tonite- if i had some pineapple juice i could make a pina colada ! remember my youth in Ft.Lauderdale when we'd go have a drink at local bar with a tiki hut roof! and were about 24 yrs old- seems like a million years ago. w/ ex husband. i sure can pick em!

call if ya get a notion for flowers- i'll dig ya up a bunch of "no fail" nj flowers that always are wonderful and never fail. (well, ya have to work pretty hard to kill them).

xxoo

my

[willbwell]

Nero, Thank you for the post on my thread. wanted to share..
i had an aunt who did not have children. She was the absolute best aunt in the world!
we all have purpose here!

[willbwell]

I just reread your post to me. gosh you can write man! Have you ever thought about writing a book??... an article for a magazine?? you have a talent. a way with words. You can hit that nail on the head.
we are all so jumbled and mixed up, but you know how to verbalize it.Who knows???

[nero]

hey hi- anyone passing by-

just a "journal" entry here- if anyone has any comment - i'd be inerested to hear what think.

As i ssee it- this is where we stand - as short & accurate as i can be. on the wghole better than 3 yrs ago - him, me, r HOWEVER - - still not "enough" in life overall. i get it - beggars cant be choosey. i'm tired of not feeling "special" - i know- sounds soooo lame huh?

H:

1)less critical & crabbie- downright pleasant mostly. (sometimes
like same old guy from olden days)

2) no professions of love - no sex (i don't get feeling it would
be good idea to initiate- so don't)

3) was here w/me thru mom's final weeks, month - supportive &
kind, spent quite alot of time (i was surprised pleasantly)

4) is coming here after 3 wks gone- is staying here 2 wks
(prior to mom's death - came 1 wk - gone 3) (i know-
so flattering , huh?) is planning a fun trip - nice.

5) does fix-its around house & yd, offers help,
does not nag me about anything,

pays bills & supports me - it's huge (buying me?) if so,
why bother really??? he could walk out with no strings.

6) he still sees ow (in person every 2-3 wk or so ) ick-

7) does not run to the computer, cell-phone or hide screen
or flip it shut - and generally act like the giant @ss
like he used to (alll the time in beginning)

8) he is in touch with her (continually?) i'd guess.
he's less overtly and embarassingly rabid.

9) throws arm over my shoulders sometimes while walking,
goofs around-pinch-poke - does touch me (nothing overtly
suggestive) but not leper totally anymore mostly.

10) does sometimes use words like "our" house, when we_____
(refers to future- assumes i'll be here (i guess)

11) does not have computer screen on allllllll the time -
less in front of tv, online less in general overall


ME -

1) i'm not foolish enough to think it's fine - (just a bit
better

2) getting seriously tired of nothing to "look forward
to in life" (a life, a "partner" a future (with someone)
overall dispirited in general

3) still manage not to have any "R" talks - this much self-con-
trol is wearing me out.

4) don't feel old devastation- don't feel much "hope" either

5) i fall off wagon and say sarcastic comments- not often- but
when i'm ratty he just does not respond at all. does not de=
fend or explain or anything - at all...(never has really)

6) i get out pretty much, can be hard to reach sometimes,
resist urge to "talk , work sometimes, lots of interests

7) can manage to chat pleasantly- keep it lite, outter oriented

8) resent mightily being so much nothing in his life

9) feeling a bit trapped by this & him i know it's voluntary -
but i'm not this good a sport for so long-


ya know- in a phone call last week he commented about family or someone that "you know me, people have to pursue me" - got me wondering about if i should be "pursuing" him- but think on whole he pursued me in beginning- he's the one that "wants less of me in his life" (in bomb discussion 3-yrs ago) - so i let him do calling or reaching out. stick with that????

my gut says still go with mwd strategy of hanging back, no pursuing - acting as if, etc. idk- it seems like a thousand years since i could be happy and okay to just be me. natural- at ease.

with mom dying and resulting , sort of ennui i have going on- i'm second guessing everything in universe, especially self - wondering if after all this energy adn pain & time invested in this- i'm nuts too - to be here.

well- being supported is huge- so not to downplay my financial dependence (chosen by me- so yeah, i do see that) .

idk- overall it's better - overall, it's not what i'd like for my life (entirely). i'd like to think i can have a life of some sort with someone that comes home anxious to see my face, hear my voice.

i'm unhappy with being (or feeling) soooooo "marginal" to him (my feelings). he thinks he "cares a great deal" about me- i understand "love" -

don't know if i'm "rigid" - or a doormat- confused as usual.

idk-

any thoughts? anyone?

when she said whatever time it takes will seem a thousand times longer- sure is rite on the money.

i say to self being happy for 20 or 30 years might be worth a few years (5?) of unhappiness & discomfort - idk, is that crazy?

i have nothing "better" (no one) to be doing- but...

wonder if the over all better quality of life when we're together (still apart too much - due to the two house thing) is something or really, not so much. is worth seeing if it "goes" anywhere in the end or fools errand.???


???????

[beatrice]

Wow, idk. Hmmmmmmmmm I guess the problem is that you do not know where it is going. Is this guy gradually waking up and reconnecting? Or is he perfectly happy with this state of affairs. And in that case can you be?

One of the things I miss hugely about my xh is our friendship. The long shared life is a lot to jettison. In my case I never had the choice - he was out of the door and has shown no desire to spend time with me since. In your case? To be honest I would probably go along with what is going on, as long as you are not devaluing yourself. BUT I am not sure that it is good advice.

If you were younger the advice might be different, but as we get older the value of our long term relationships arguably increases.

Would I want to have to make your choice? no I wouldn't. Even not making a decision is a decision.

If you were financially independent would that make a difference to your choices?

[uRworthy]

My friend, there's some good stuff happening with him. Is it enough? Only you can answer that.

The thing about dbing is that MWD says do what works. And what you are doing seems to be bringing him closer.

I also think its important to switch things up a bit. You can always go back to what you are doing if he doesnt seem receptive.

I think it's important to show the possibilities sometimes. Let him see how life could be if he recommitts to you, ya know?

Nothing drastic as to spook him. Just a little something different to.

As far as the future, you will know when you are done. You arent yet. And thats ok. As long as you are not losing anymore of you in the process, Nero. Because you matter.

You are still mourning. I get that. It takes as long as it does.

The thing to remember is that you are the one in control of your life, Nero. You get to decide.

[nero]

hey hi-

thanks for note. it helps to hear another sane voice. i like that you say it may or may not be good advice. we all can only try - rite? i think that my self-value is okay - tho rest of world may not agree.

no kidding- i've never been soooo on the "outs" with everyone alive as i am these-a-days. maybe my usual "good sport-i[ness" is in serious remission and i've lost my "game". oh man......

who knwos?

you know, i think also that the longevity has a heck of alot to do with it all, decisions , choices and who i am - i've been "intertwangled" with this guy for so long- hard to know where i end and r&h begin - know what i mean ? i miss my friend of every day too. i've spent my whole adult life with this guy- 1/2 of an "us" - i'm good with being half of an "us". i thought he was my family. i'm not so hot in the "just me" dept. it's a bore. i'm a pack animal- i miss my pack. where the heck did it go? .

i keep deciding same as you - to just go with it & flow along & see. i honestly do not know which one it is. you put it exactly. THEN I begin to wonder if i'm deciding or just sucking up what he's doling out- then i get confused and run away. i feel it's sooo important- then i also feel exhausted by it all- and like i've spent and wasted maybe too much time and energy even thinkign about it all - or talkign about it.

i do think i'm quitting it a bit these days. i'm more and more just stfu in general because it bores even me.


i needed some validation i guess from somewhere today ....so thank you alot.

so he just called back - he's planning and researching a trip to martha's vineyard when he comes up. how the heck can you be systematically destroying someone's love for you- simultaneously with planning a nice little fun trip. it's sooo insane and crazy- it makes me feel crazy. rite?

i told him at time of bd that he should get his head x-rayed for some tumor pressing on his brain. he was nuts. i still wonder, you know???


thanks again. i went outside and dug around- chatted with care-giver next door from Ghana - yikes... i am grateful for all the good things in my life. i wish i had her implicit faith in God - that he will sort thru any problem and handle it. i'm tryin..

in answer to your question - - no, i don't think money would change things. (only wouldn't worry about money i guess) you get it, it's the long long time together. it's a part of who you are - like it or not- it changes everything about this choice...the choice to chop this person out of your life for good - it's big..

oh well.... i like to blame it on money- it seems less insane to everyone if i say i stay for him to pay the bills. i guess it's less pitiful and more practical than remnants of love & life together. the sorting process - i'm the woman with the attic full of "stuff"...i have trouble letting go

.

thanks man-

xxo

[beatrice]

Actually Nero, I am pleased, though not surprised to learn that it isn't money. I didn't think it was, and it isn't pathetic to remain where you are because of love and a long long relationship. Life is full of compromises, and like I said, I didn't get to make the choice that you did. I actually talked about it at bomb drop but my xh wanted OUT (yeah right, still around nearly nine years later, but there we are!).

I like URworthy's advice too - you are doing the things that your partner needs. Love is a funny thing and it isn't all about our ego and what we want and what suits us. I think that is why love can be so easily abused - because it is kind and suffers long, as St Paul says.

I suspect that if I were in your shoes I would be much as you are. Staying with the situation because of what there was. Half a loaf is better than no bread, especially when you are over 60!! Is that a 'good' way to live Idk, I really don't. Some folks here seem so sure about everything, but the heart is a strange thing.

Btw I also wondered about a brain tumour! But he had a full MRI scan in connection with another health problem, and apparently not.

[nero]

hey hi-

(warning- got long and possible wierd or ramblie- im leaving it- (better out than in? ) and you can stop after about first line or not- as you see fit. i try and keep this junk out of my mind mostly on daily basis) it's all in background tho- isn't it?)

you're nice. i know, it's sure a huge life's force with it's own agenda - the heart. You're sure right about alllll the people out there in life - who are soooo sure about everything- ... i'm thinking of our h and yours still being tortured and fiddling around - being present in your life (somehow) and trying to be (he probably does not know for one minute what the heck he's doing (really) and why - he just can't stop himself - - and mine. talk about "knowing" everything and not knowing a thing.

i wonder sometimes if i have this huge ego - thinking i know a darn thing about anything or anyone. i'm thinking honestly perhaps i've been wrong about everything and everyone for my whole life. It was a rosey little outlook i had- and i'm loath to get rid of it- it did make life 'SEEM" nicer. I wonder if i am a giant fool to even think about being who i was. but then, it is who i am or was or .... idk, helllllll0p - honestly.

. I alwasy think, (used to anyway) that this dope of a guy loves me - more than he knows - he's just is soooo busy knowing everythign for sure - king of "i got the facts" land - that he's blind & dopey and he's missing the point in life. (something like that). then i think i flatter myself.

then i know for sure - that exactly as mwd says, if i'd have said choose - when i found out- he'd have picked her. he is/was that blind and nuts. how does he reckon he walked away twenty years ago- and now finds her irresistable - and the key to happiness???? WHO IN THE universe in their right mind walks away from LOVE ? i'm askin ya- no one. if you love anyone that much- you walk thru fire to have them. period. that's my conviction and my m.o. .

in retrospect it's soooooo "grand" - omg - he's sooooo screwedup- that's the other thing that worries me - he is obviously not the man i thought - is this guy someone to spend a life with? . someone soooo delusional and f'd up on the emotional front? i thought he was a "rock" - he is a stinkin pile of pebbles on shifting sand. oh well- decision for another day.

ya gotta wonder where it all will end- perhaps when the choice is mine to make- i will opt out! who can know

he's acting like his selfish parents that he crucified for like behavior. can't he see? i don't think so. doesn't look at self too closely - So,

i wonder about myself too- what giantly hypocritical things i do- idk- all this thinkign can get ya in quite a psychological hole. i'm happy to cut everyone a break and assume thay are just poor saps like me trying to be happy and stay afloat in life.

as far as "what he needs" - honestly - my brain is soooo , well, "damaged" at this moment - i don't know what i am doing or he needs or i do . i need more than this- and am not likely to be getting it anytime soon. what he needs? idk- to be 18 years old and turn back the hands of time? He has mentioned here and there thruout life that he is "teaching me a lesson" - tho he cannot seem to EVER flesh that out. ever - no kidding, what the heck could the "lesson" be?????. if he cheated when we were madly in love and young - the only lesson i get is that he is a well-disguised rat - always has been and i'm nuts to love him or even think of it.....

he can't come up with the crime really. i honestly do think "it's him" not me in this mlc stuff - but i don't see what good that does me. It makes me lose faith in the person i thought he was - he is a man who gratifies number one first (the "flirtation" w/current ow alllllllllllllllll those million years ago- I wish he'd never told me. why the heck would he??? his own guilt i guess, but it's "ruined" my ability to find the value in our " past" alot... that is a real tragedy. if it was alllllllll a stinkin lie- what in the world would i be fighting for anyway?

I feel like some little animal just goin on instinct - survival or something - it's wierd.

i attach alot of importance to that. the fact that back a hundred years ago he had a "thing" with her- at the office. so, if he's harboured this notion of her as his "lost love" - what the heck is that? if he loved her so much- he'd have walked thru fire to have her - rite. she was there on a platter for him- he let her go. i told him that- it seems a poor sort of "love" if he didn't forego all others and have it - nobody alive turns down their heart's desire short of death. (but her kids came with- could it have been as simple as he's so selfish he didn't even want his "true love" if she came with complications? " so now i think of them in bed and i'm supposed to be "neutral " bout it - not so much. geeez - i'm quitting this, it gets worse and worse doesn't it?.

no response of course - what a jerk and a "chicken" for a big man. I swear - sniveling worm that i can be - i have waaaaaay more guts than him. At least i can stand up - say what i think and feel - try for what i want - and not hide behind my emotional inarticularity (did i make that up? it's a good word, isn't it?????

I am amazed at how totally this man cannot deal with his own heart- words - life - emotions - etc. HENCE THE brain tumor theory. i mean, he's a stinkin lawyer and he's good at it (arguing is his life) . he can convince a dog it's a cat- yet, cannot speak about feelings. seriously f'd up guy in there- ya never know do you???

i'm, sure he is sure it's his "choice" to be like he is. i do not admire it- if it's his choice - it's a stinker. and it's remarkably same as his hated mother who dumped him (12 yrs) and his father in the dead of nite and left with his baby brother & her rich new bf to go have a shinier- "more fun" life. nice huh? his big spiel in life - "it should be fun" - what planet does he hail from?.

Man, has that guy got "baggage" or what? ya gotta wonder - if really - do adults REALLY go off the rails as a result of unresolved "S" from their childhood? how could he never look at himself- he's too busy pointing out to everyone 3else what they're doing wrong.

oh well- it exhausts me. it doesn't really do any good to be "right" in stuff like this, does it. (if ya even are, that is).

idk- wish i felt better about my part in all this. my stupid handling of (apparently) my life. ya gotta wonder- how you can bumble along being what you consider a decent citizen- and end up in such a stew of insanity. what is wrong with this picture????. ta da - a knack.

eeeek - sorry man- got rambline- i'm going to go find that shiney paper and more coffee- go back to neroland and shut off the brain. It's cheesy, but i think my brain is just in "withdrawal"mode since my mom died. It was a big worry for sooo long - her health - her mind - her life, her happiness(?) , her neurosis. she was a perfectly nice person- just had her own baggage & shared it (alot) with me - i am unable to really reel my brain back in (failing some dire need to do so) and it's roaming around being "fuzzy" with the lack of life and death responsibility of mom's last bunch of years. no kidding- i can see it from the outside - but seem unable to really get it back into the harness. i don't think i'm ever going to allow myself to be THAT responsible for anyone again any time soon.

one of my sisters thinks we kids should sell her mom's house and give her a mortgage and become her , what? landlord- and be responsible for her (happiness?) in life- i get horrified at the thought of collecting money from her and standing between her and the street - how could she expect this ? and why isn't she just grateful to be going to inherit a big gob of money? instead of trying to turn it into everyone oweing her a home & a life & EVERYTHING. I know she works hard and is poor- but really- she fought with mom always - and now she wants her house(s) - her car- her sofa - everythign she had- she wants her life and to be her (and still even now does not even have a charitable word for her) - wtf?????

this family makes me crazy- everything makes me crazy - no wonder i'm gluing shiney paper and gardening like mad-

i'm outta here - sorry for ramble- no wonder i need to shut down this brain - too much exterior junk input-