Well it's probably too late, but I've gotta try

[lost18]

I'm not to familiar with your sitch but this struck a chord with me:

I still feel like I'm just a backup plan to her... maybe that would change after a while of reconciliation.

I was discussing with my IC yesterday a little bit about our financial situation. I said something about H coming home for financial reasons might be ok with me initially, but he would have to stay for the right reasons.

She stopped me and told me to quit selling myself short. Pointed back to self-esteem issues that have been an issue for me and told me that if H chooses to reconcile it is because he wants to and not to put a negative spin on it.

I think this applies to you as well. If you get to the point of reconciliation know it's because she is choosing you, period. Whether or not she can give you what you need is something only you can decide.