TO, rather than being embarrassed that you're not good enough to be with over a teenager, your H should be embarrassed that he's not good enough to be with an adult.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Wounded - can you be specific on what you mean to show him I appreciate him in the 180? You know he did reach out after I went pretty dark and would ask me things about our animals and stupid things. I just never responded. Then he stopped after he did this a few times and didn't get a response from me . Is that what I'm supposed to be doing is completely ignoring him on anything except the kids and household bills? I also have told him since day one I was validating his feelings - I'm sorry I made you feel that way I'm sorry you felt nothjng was good enough. When he would ever actually put money in the bank to help I would make sure to text him and say thank you for taking care of this, etc.
Note that a 180 or going dark is not accomplished by ignoring. Roughly, think of it like: let him make first moves as far as contact/making a call/etc. If he makes a call or a text to you, feel free to answer (though it doesn't have to be 5 seconds after you received a contact.... wait a few minutes, wait an hour, be able to prioritize the important ones from general malaise.
Its not appreciating him "in the 180", you had mentioned before, he felt unappreciated. So the 180 is to MAKE him feel appreciated.
Some examples (hypothetically):
You mention some shared bills, If you find out he paid something, on time. Make it a point to text: "hey, I see you paid the ____ thank you for doing that, I appreciate it.
He takes the kids, if they talk about going to _____ (or doing _____), send him a text: Thanks for taking the kids to ______, they said they had fun, I appreciate you doing that.
He moves more of his stuff out of the house, send him a text afterwords: Thanks for moving your stuff, I appreciate you doing that.
Last edited by woundedfool; 06/05/1403:45 PM.
Me: 43 M: 10y S:15 ILYBINILWY 2/18/13 W moved out 2/18/13 Filed for D: 2/17/13 Got DB: 2/20/13 Got DR: 2/23/13 180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13 D Final Dec '13
I think Wounded Fool means praising the 1%. If your h does something or the boys have a good time with him saying something like, " The boys really enjoyed going to the park. I appreciate you doing that with them ." Or if he feed the dog, Thanks for feeding Mr. Fluffers, h. I appreciate you doing that! ". Don't go overboard. Just a genuine thanks or mention of gratitude should suffice.
In regards to the 18 yr old, you didn't *make* him date her. Nope. However, I know it hurts. Just don't waste another minute ruminating over that relationship as you can't control it. Don't send the letter. I'm pretty sure it would be met with eye rolls and venom.
Hang in there:)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I am thinking of writing a letter to let him know I am aware of the things he did while we were still living under the same roof as husband and wife. Any advice is appreciated
I will first say, DO NOT SEND A LETTER!
But I will also ask you: what do you hope to accomplish by sending one?
Don't know if you missed this because my post was a bit long, but would you mind answering the question I pose?
Me: 43 M: 10y S:15 ILYBINILWY 2/18/13 W moved out 2/18/13 Filed for D: 2/17/13 Got DB: 2/20/13 Got DR: 2/23/13 180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13 D Final Dec '13
Okay so I guess I did wrong by ignoring when he reached out
I have said I appreciated things specifically like wounded said. When he took the boys I said thanks and they had a good time. I've also said thank you for other things like when he paid my car payment this month without me asking and he made the entire payment (it's his credit. He doesn't want it ruined)
I am thinking of writing a letter to let him know I am aware of the things he did while we were still living under the same roof as husband and wife. Any advice is appreciated
I will first say, DO NOT SEND A LETTER!
But I will also ask you: what do you hope to accomplish by sending one?
Don't know if you missed this because my post was a bit long, but would you mind answering the question I pose?
I was hoping the letter would accomplish making me feel better because I feel so hurt and betrayed. I still love my husband and I guess I feel like S*** that the feeling wasn't mutual. I wanted him to know that I know the truth. That I don't believe the lies he's leading others to believe
Well, then you are doing what you can do. All you can do is 100% of your part and become someone only a fool would leave. Then, if he chooses to get a D, it's on him, and perhaps you are actually better off...
Im starting to think that my H is not actually capable of the self-reflection, empathy and capacity for change that is required to have a successful relationship. He thinks it was "us" that was just a bad combination. That may be true... but that doesn't mean the problem is "me", if that makes sense.
If your husband walks away, it doesn't mean the problem is "you".
I can also see from your signature that you have been together since you were quite young, had children quite young, and are still relatively young. I have noticed a bit of a pattern on this board that there are a lot of young couples in crisis. I wonder if part of the issue is that we are still growing and changing so much during our 20 s. It's hard to be a great spouse when we are still figuring out who we are (and have to learn to be a parent at the same time). That doesn't mean this won't be a powerful (and positive) growth experience for you... you can find resilience, maturity, and who/what you truly want out of life through this process.
I was hoping the letter would accomplish making me feel better because I feel so hurt and betrayed. I still love my husband and I guess I feel like S*** that the feeling wasn't mutual. I wanted him to know that I know the truth. That I don't believe the lies he's leading others to believe
So, it is established that it will make you feel better.
How will it make him feel?
Will the letter bring you closer? or will it create another wedge? That he may take as criticism?
Last edited by woundedfool; 06/05/1405:32 PM.
Me: 43 M: 10y S:15 ILYBINILWY 2/18/13 W moved out 2/18/13 Filed for D: 2/17/13 Got DB: 2/20/13 Got DR: 2/23/13 180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13 D Final Dec '13
