Turn the Page again

[JustStunned]

This is an update of sorts. I’m making slow steady progress, slower than I would like.

I spent most of last year trying to close out Mom’s estate. I am very thankful for the preplanning she and Dad had made. For the most part she continued to follow its guidelines enabling me to focus on the few things where she deviated from the plan. I have two items left, change the title on her vehicle and pay the Lawyer we engaged to guide the process.

Mom’s passing had an enormous impact and I still grieve. Conversations with my daughter in law this last weekend brought more emotion to light than I was comfortable expressing. I do not regret the expression of grief. I regret any awkwardness she may have felt as a result. Mom would tell me to forget it, stop grieving and get on with life. Mom tried to lead by example here although she tried to hide it I know she grieved for my father and sister.

Through this I have been trying to maintain some forward progress in my personal life. It is not on plan and I feel some self induced pressure to bring it into compliance with the original timeline. I know I will miss here. Still, using the same goals keeps me on track and motivated.

I have a good relationship with the children and I will soon be a Grandfather again. I am not ashamed to say I am hoping for a boy. Of course it doesn’t really matter. I recently spent a few days at Gettysburg with my Daughter in law and Granddaughter. My son tried to make it out on Memorial Day, but was not able to take the time off. Such is the life of a Recruiter at least within his Command.

This was the trial run for the new fifth wheel. I needed to get X’s name off of the old one and there were too many memories associated with it. So I used it as a trade for a new to me toy hauler. More trailer than I should have for my truck, but I’ll keep the truck for a few more years. I added a few modifications to the truck (air springs and a Banks kit) to make handling the larger trailer a bit safer and ease my driving experience. One of the air springs developed a leak during the outward leg. This made for additional stress on the way home, but the Banks kit performed as advertised and I already have a replacement air spring in the works.

From my point of view the most liberating aspect of the divorce is I no longer need to justify decisions I make. The only person I can experience reproach from is me. The consequences of decisions are mine and mine alone. I find being beholding only to myself to be rather relaxing. I am more at ease and happier than I have been in a long time. After all I get along with myself quite well.

For a while I allowed myself to fret being single. I defined myself as half of a whole or a component of a greater whole. I moved from family, to Corps, to marriage, to family. When my marriage fell apart I fought to stay part of family and fell back to a Corps mindset. I used values, guidelines and precepts drilled into me over and over again to come through. I am more the person I was before the marriage and I deeply regret leaving that life to make another. Those were my choices and they cannot be undone. I intend to remain single for a while, healing, living my life on my terms until something better come along. I have no immediate plans for dating and looking in the mirror there is clean up to get accomplished.

I’ve purchased a new to me Road King Classic. I’ve been saving for it for some time now and I am happy I was able to write a check for the purchase. It will accompany me when I take the trailer as I intend use it to explore the surrounding countryside when I vacation.