Hi I'm new, I hope I won't be a burden on you guys

[1Wish]

She said your like this because your f'd in the head, I carried on saying im not doing it for you im doing it for me and not to get you back, she was over talking me and was saying the book wont tell you why this happened you did this..

Better. I've extracted this part from your post to highlight a validation opportunity that you missed. She said "you're f*cked in the head" and you defended yourself. Can you tell us what you should have said? Hint: Wonka has posted a thread on this today. It's worth having a look.

Wonkas post was amazing so much to pick on and learn. Well I have found this to be a good fit perhaps?


"I can see you are really uncomfortable about this"

@mrbond - if I kicked her out of bed she would have kicked me out the house.. I can tell her not to disrespect me because when she got into bed she said I dont need this negativity from a dickhead.. shes so horrible.

I want to get her to respect me but I feel if I kicked her out the bed then we are on the bad side again.. cant I apologise instead and say im sorry you feel that way I guess I should have used more maturity back then so you wouldnt think that of me now.. I guess I cant fix what I didnt do yesterday but im trying to do what I need to today..?

Yh reviewing back says I aint got balls.. still ill post it to get your oppinion. Damn.

[Barrybran]

Being a doormat will NOT earn her respect. If she can push you around and bully you, and calling you f*cked in the head is bullying, she will never respect you. I feel where MrBond is coming from is that you should NEVER tolerate people treating you poorly in any way.

Most people here would probably agree with MrBond about kicking your wife out of bed. I feel it would have created more problems. In my situation, I had to really understand my self-worth before I could act on it. I was speaking and acting without really understanding why I was doing it and I just came off looking like an arse. Once I learned to love myself again, I was able to speak and act in a manner consistent with someone who had self-worth.

Right now, you're looking to find out why your wife feels the way she does. You want to get more answers out of her. The more you know about how she feels, the more you have to think about and the quicker you can go about making those changes. "I can see you're really uncomfortable about this" is a potentially closed statement. Many people would suggest that when your wife called you "f*cked* that you end the conversation at that point. I think a middle ground may help. Ask why she feels that way, listen to what she has to say, and then end the conversation by thanking her for explaining her feelings and politely and respectfully telling her that you will not tolerate name calling in future. Then go away and think about what she has said.

[MrBond]

"@mrbond - if I kicked her out of bed she would have kicked me out the house.."

That's a different issue. First of all she can't force you to leave your own home. It's illegal. Getting her out of the room is not the same level.

[1Wish]

"@mrbond - if I kicked her out of bed she would have kicked me out the house.."

That's a different issue. First of all she can't force you to leave your own home. It's illegal. Getting her out of the room is not the same level.

Ah I dont think i can be that hurtful.. shes going to have to sleep on the sofa surely I should go and sleep on the sofa instead? Ah shes a woman aswell..

I just dont think I could do that.. Is there no other suggestion.. and trust me she would kick me out the house.. for sure.. its not thag she cant she can.. because she rented the flat after saying she wanted a divorce and she didnt put me on the tenancy agreement.

I dont really want to disagree but I think I orefer barrybrans solution.. there are no right or wrong answers and its not that I dont appreciate your input mrbond its just that im not capable of doing that. Im sorry.

[MrBond]

No apologies necessary, but if you do not change the dynamic, she will continue to walk all over you.

In my situation, as with all WASs, my W would only complain and say negative things about me. Being nice wasn't working so there was a point we were driving and she was going off again. I pulled the car over and told her that enough was enough and that if she didn't quickly change her tune, I would leave her on the side of the road. She saw that I meant it and quickly changed her tune.

[25yearsmlc]

1wish

When you get the DR books you'll need to read them SOON and stop a lot of the present behaviors. This takes time.

ITs a marathon, not a sprint. So far I am impressed by how much you recognize the toxic nature of the relationships between your family and your wife.

What a nightmare for her, especially given her backstory.

May I ask what your careers are, and if you are both happy in your careers, or are you in college now?
I think if and when you feel a sense of purpose and direction in your life, it'll greatly help your mental attitude.

I read once that "most depression is having no direction in life". I don't completely agree with it, but I DO think there's some validity in that statement.

Also here are some "rules" (guidelines really, and not all are applicable).

I think you'll find them useful for now until you really understand the whole nature of Div Busting. And when someone advises you to use "tough love"

make sure it's in alignment with THIS SITE'S approach. NOT all are. CHOOSE an approach and give it sufficient time to work, don't mix them all up and think that more is better.

It confuses and right now your wife is understandably confused. You've known each other a long time, but your changes are quite recent.

Anyhow, here are the "rules for newbies". And remember, READ THE BOOK!! (If you got them both, know the first one "Div Busting" is the first one she wrote. The "Div Remedy" is more or less the 2nd edition and in some ways it's more useful.

At least in my opinion, b/c the first book spends a bit more time on why divorce is not the solution to most marital problems. If you are here on this site, you probably already know that.

And no, you do NOT share the book with your wife. Good luck!


1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save that for later when the R is much better.

10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)

11. Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patience on your behalf.

21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

22. Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). Sometimes the right thing to say is nothing.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

35. Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

38. Know that in time, you really will be happy again, regardless of your spouse’s choices. Know this, believe it, and let it show.

39. Do not believe that showing your spouse your pain and misery proves your love for them. It just makes it harder to be around you.

40. Don’t worry about how the past is viewed. What matters is this day, and “from this day forward.” Learn to let go of the past and what you cannot control. It’s a lot to let go of, but it is SO freeing.

[1Wish]

Right I got another update.. I think from what my wife says and does it seems as though she wants a D and doesnt want to be married anymire and just wants to be alone.

But it seems like shes not going to go because she cant or because itll hurt me as she cares about me a lot.

Yesterday she told her mum in front of me that we are getting a car to share and selling my current one.. we spoke about it in the car as well just me and her and it seems as though we are not going to end.

I really dont get it.. she expects me to sell my car and get a car we can both share.

It seems as though shes not going to go. Her friend told me that shes trying to make it work and slowly giving it a go and she can change her mind at any point. And I should be aware that she could also leave.

Like I said I think she wants to go but wont. But I dont know.

[Barrybran]

I dont really want to disagree but I think I orefer barrybrans solution.. there are no right or wrong answers and its not that I dont appreciate your input mrbond its just that im not capable of doing that. Im sorry.

1wish, I suggested what I did because you need to find out what your flaws are so you can start working on them. Not what you think they are but what she thinks they are. At the end of the day, if you are to get anywhere, you will have to stand up for yourself. I understand where you're coming from though as it's new, it's scary and it does take a lot of courage to stand up to someone like your wife. Once you are loving and living for yourself, you can not tolerate disrespectful behaviour from anyone, not just your wife.

Really listen to MrBond and 25. They've been around a long time and both have restored their marriages. All I can help with right now is the "new, scary feelings" because it's very fresh in my mind. These are the people you will need to listen to when you get down to the nuts and bolts of who 1wish is and wants to be.

[1Wish]

Its so hard its just that I fear it so much.. I dont want to leave in two months and we are practically enjoying eachothers company.. she tells me off at times and says she has to mother me..

Im a soft person at heart and I dont know how it would come across if I seriously just kicked her out of bed.. she'll say its her bed and I wouldnt know what to do.. only real threat I can give is me moving out which I did yesterday morning and she said go then and I went and got bin bags for my clothes and she said no you cant use them they are mine. I asked where the other bags were and she didnt tell me.

[Barrybran]

Well, you've now seen how you threatening to move out is going to work. Let's cross that off the list, shall we?

Have you read other people's threads? Not just newbies but vets' threads as well? I read MrBond's when I first got here. His is a very long story, so I don't expect anyone to read it in full like I did (not kidding), but I learned a heap about DB by following his transformation from newbie to when he stopped posting on his own situation.

The more you read, the more you'll find that you're not alone, that everyone here has started somewhere no matter their level of experience with DB.