just a "journal" entry here- if anyone has any comment - i'd be inerested to hear what think.
As i ssee it- this is where we stand - as short & accurate as i can be. on the wghole better than 3 yrs ago - him, me, r HOWEVER - - still not "enough" in life overall. i get it - beggars cant be choosey. i'm tired of not feeling "special" - i know- sounds soooo lame huh?
H:
1)less critical & crabbie- downright pleasant mostly. (sometimes like same old guy from olden days)
2) no professions of love - no sex (i don't get feeling it would be good idea to initiate- so don't)
3) was here w/me thru mom's final weeks, month - supportive & kind, spent quite alot of time (i was surprised pleasantly)
4) is coming here after 3 wks gone- is staying here 2 wks (prior to mom's death - came 1 wk - gone 3) (i know- so flattering , huh?) is planning a fun trip - nice.
5) does fix-its around house & yd, offers help, does not nag me about anything,
pays bills & supports me - it's huge (buying me?) if so, why bother really??? he could walk out with no strings.
6) he still sees ow (in person every 2-3 wk or so ) ick-
7) does not run to the computer, cell-phone or hide screen or flip it shut - and generally act like the giant @ss like he used to (alll the time in beginning)
8) he is in touch with her (continually?) i'd guess. he's less overtly and embarassingly rabid.
9) throws arm over my shoulders sometimes while walking, goofs around-pinch-poke - does touch me (nothing overtly suggestive) but not leper totally anymore mostly.
10) does sometimes use words like "our" house, when we_____ (refers to future- assumes i'll be here (i guess)
11) does not have computer screen on allllllll the time - less in front of tv, online less in general overall
ME -
1) i'm not foolish enough to think it's fine - (just a bit better
2) getting seriously tired of nothing to "look forward to in life" (a life, a "partner" a future (with someone) overall dispirited in general
3) still manage not to have any "R" talks - this much self-con- trol is wearing me out.
4) don't feel old devastation- don't feel much "hope" either
5) i fall off wagon and say sarcastic comments- not often- but when i'm ratty he just does not respond at all. does not de= fend or explain or anything - at all...(never has really)
6) i get out pretty much, can be hard to reach sometimes, resist urge to "talk , work sometimes, lots of interests
7) can manage to chat pleasantly- keep it lite, outter oriented
8) resent mightily being so much nothing in his life
9) feeling a bit trapped by this & him i know it's voluntary - but i'm not this good a sport for so long-
ya know- in a phone call last week he commented about family or someone that "you know me, people have to pursue me" - got me wondering about if i should be "pursuing" him- but think on whole he pursued me in beginning- he's the one that "wants less of me in his life" (in bomb discussion 3-yrs ago) - so i let him do calling or reaching out. stick with that????
my gut says still go with mwd strategy of hanging back, no pursuing - acting as if, etc. idk- it seems like a thousand years since i could be happy and okay to just be me. natural- at ease.
with mom dying and resulting , sort of ennui i have going on- i'm second guessing everything in universe, especially self - wondering if after all this energy adn pain & time invested in this- i'm nuts too - to be here.
well- being supported is huge- so not to downplay my financial dependence (chosen by me- so yeah, i do see that) .
idk- overall it's better - overall, it's not what i'd like for my life (entirely). i'd like to think i can have a life of some sort with someone that comes home anxious to see my face, hear my voice.
i'm unhappy with being (or feeling) soooooo "marginal" to him (my feelings). he thinks he "cares a great deal" about me- i understand "love" -
don't know if i'm "rigid" - or a doormat- confused as usual.
idk-
any thoughts? anyone?
when she said whatever time it takes will seem a thousand times longer- sure is rite on the money.
i say to self being happy for 20 or 30 years might be worth a few years (5?) of unhappiness & discomfort - idk, is that crazy?
i have nothing "better" (no one) to be doing- but...
wonder if the over all better quality of life when we're together (still apart too much - due to the two house thing) is something or really, not so much. is worth seeing if it "goes" anywhere in the end or fools errand.???
