Let me take a look in the self-help library and see what pearls of wisdom drew that to my attention. I do know that Michele mentioned it in DR as well.
I think I also read somewhere (again, where?) that MLC is often the result of a life-altering event (or in your W's case, a series of them). If this is even partially true, and understanding that it may not result in a full fledged MLC but a "reevaluation", this might explain your sitch.
Actually, I think all the self-help marriage books mention this possibility--though not in graphic detail.
It seems as though these events solidify any negative thought process and magnify their unhappiness. We all know what our WASs have said on their way out the door: "I don't want to be unhappy anymore--you are the cause of my unhappiness--and I'm going to find happiness when I leave you."
We all know what reality will ultimately present to them--the question is: will their pride get in the way to mending the relationships that were broken during the process?
We read about some of them here. But we also know many more who don't post who never reconcile. I believe that some of the WASs never "get it", whereas the others just let time pass with guilt and feel that they can never deserve to be loved by their family again.
Hud, you had a lot of change in a very short period of time. I know that your W has not budged on her decision to D, but she has said she loves you and always will--and hopes that her future includes you.
We've discussed the consequences of those decisions. The fact is, that you might not be in a position to love her again when she says she is ready to try. I believe these things happen for a reason.
What I DO know is that you're a terrific guy. You are also an attentive and adoring father, and I believe you were a good husband as well. Meat Loaf says 2 out of 3 ain't bad...
Triple J--I wholeheartedly agree that nobody is entirely bad. She and my FIL did raise 2 really nice men. They were both educated and instructed to live according to some good moral standards.
Where I believe my MIL got into trouble is by not taking responsibility and ownership in her own fulfillment. This was tolerable until her health tanked--she became fully dependent on my FIL, which galled her. Instead of finding good in him and being grateful for his financial assistance as well as emotional support, she turned on him.
He became the source of all her ills. She rewrote history, making sure everyone she came in contact with knew that she married him at the age of 16 to leave a home of poverty, depression and alcoholism.
Within his earshot, she made sure to tell us that she chose horribly and was living an unhappy life full of regrets. She blamed the fact that they had no friends on him.
The more hateful and hurtful her accusations became, the more he retreated into his own world of depression and alcoholism. He had a tough life with her, and I find pity for them both.
On a good note, she devoted her entire existence to her sons. This was great when they were growing up, though not an asset after they left home.
She missed the boys she raised. I always found it odd that they were spoken in past tense--maybe she could see that they had shed the skin she had painted on them to become the men she never dreamed they would become.
I'm going to quote my BILs wife and repeat her observations on her R with us: She believed that MIL was jealous of us... not only for who we are, but the fact that we married the best part of her entire existence.
Instead of seeing us as the daughters she always wanted, we became the women who stole her sons--therefore, the people who were responsible for her unfulfilled dreams and a life that became desperate and lonely.
Had she been more kind and enlightened, we would have bent over backward to make sure that her life with us in it was happier than she had ever imagined.
My MIL long believed and accused me of poisoning Mr. Wonderful against her. She felt it was my doing that he didn't come home to see her more often--pointing out that we visited my family back east a whole lot more often.
What she didn't realize is that we both set up priorities. When I sat down with him to discuss a possible trip home, he nixed the idea as too upsetting.
After he left me, I was told by another of his relatives that she was unhappy about this. She didn't want to like me, but his admission to her that it was he who walked out caused turmoil for her. Instead of acknowledging that life was tough for her son and me, she chose to tell other relatives that I kicked him out for his DUI the previous October.
He refused to accompany me and the girls when we drove up there last April.
I know that she finally realized that the reason we did not make the trip more often was because of him. I made the trip with full knowledge that she despised me, but did it for her and her granddaughters--and without her son "telling" me not to go (which he did anyway).
It then became crystal clear that her R with her son was the reason we did not make the effort--as a family--to see her.
Oddly enough, she made a deathbed request for his SIL to visit her in the hospital last summer. They had not spoken in nearly a year... when MIL started into her about all the things that were wrong with both her and me, my SIL stopped her dead in her tracks.
She told MIL that she was entitled to her opinions about others, but not entitled to act so cruelly. She admonished her (which is a big 180 for my SIL) and told her that if she had any compassion as a human, she would admit that Mr. Wonderful and I had a really tough go with D6 and all her troubles. SIL asked her if she could at least speak my name with some of that compassion?
My MIL looked at her as if she were insane and remained silent. She then told MIL that unless she could be neutral about me, discussing me or the M between Mr. W. and me was an off-limit subject. MIL chose the latter.
Had she only learned to say "I'm sorry" to her sons, things would have been vastly different.
I forgave her for hurting me 3 years ago. The part I'm having a tough time is for hurting the one person she professed to love beyond belief. How could she not see that by hurting me, she hurt him more? By hurting me, she hurt her grandchildren?
THAT is what makes me sad the most.
It's all water under the bridge now. Actually, it has been for some time now. I just hope he really forgives me for not making miracles happen.
Let this be a reminder that life is too damn short to let pride stand in our way.
Love well, my friends.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
