i haven't had time to read back your entire posts-or describe mine - but you sound alot like me (sitch & attitude & mlc man) i found myself in these boots after about 38 years together, not married , but in a committed (ha- i thought) r. we got a 2nd house, in another state near my family and old mother, spent too much time apart (i know now- tho he always said okay) , i made it waaay toooo easy - tho responsibility is his for his actions of course) - just a total giant big fat mess in life...
suffice it to say, it all blew to he!! and i was stupidly misreading signs, trusting implicitely, "in love" til death do us part. i'm blushing at my own stupidity, or arrogance, whatever it could have been, to be so blind... for so long???
oh man----- anyway- just wanted to say hi, you found a good place to be. it's "saved" me many a time. i can usually find some posts and someone that says something that i find inspiring, comforting, the commraderie, support & understand of the abject misery one can feel in the soul - over this. it might seem funny in a sitcom on tv- it's soooo devastating in real life- who would have even known... not me
this morning i'm here because i'm in a ratty mood and needdeed to read around and remind self *(hopefully) what the heck i'm doing or trying to do (or trying to stop doing and get on with it all).
i'm, definitely "on the fence" - BUT GOOD NEWS IS, i've pretty much stopped the bleeding, am much much improved over a couple years ago when i was totally totally more wrecked by this than i'd ever have thought possible - and still breathing- so yay-
it will help you alot- people are so kind, and you are in the company of so many people with similar sitch - it's scary. it's comforting - there is alot of wisdom learned the hard way.
remain calm (sounds like you do this naturally) , remind self frequently you can always walk away tomorrow- i felt like you that my initial feeling was that i needed to "fight it" and that he did/does love me, just is screwed up at the moment and cannot realize it.
i have my doubts these days- feel a bit battered, like you, with the deaths that have occurred. (my dad died when i was 18- it changed my life/mentality- forever - and our family life (my mom & five daughters) i've just watched my mom die , it's not pretty or kind. i feel a bit worn down to a nub and unable to get too much emotion going on, for good or bad.
my so is dealing from a whole different place emotionally. (retreating back to the 18 yr old tennis bum him) (i think) how can you watch death cl aim someone, long and slow- and not be aware how fleeting life and how precious love???? it is "insanity" of a sort
he swears it all does not phase him- i feel changed.
i'll get tangled up here- i'm too icky this morning to be rational or concise - so i'll just go, but wanted to say hi and hang on and all that stuff...
good news - you are young and have a lifetime before you to unravel the wonder of you. me, i'm 63, but feel like same person inside- so life there still. now- what next and with so or without? who the heck can know... (i am worlds most prudent and careful decision maker - no lie)
me, i'm awaiting "wisdom" to alight if i sit quietly-
uhhhhhh....... how long does one sit quietly again....
good luck, hang on... you can do it
xxo (we traveled for many many years- love italy, love england (my fantasy - life in english countryside- ha!)
