25, First of all you refer to events and things about my sitch that never happened nor are in any posts (my D having an eating disorder from the sound of it), you then tell me I ignored my W's depression while she suffered and I have no compassion. You seem to think that by my saying my D knows more than you think, she knows all that she should. She probably thinks that things will somehow get better and just go back to the way they were. Of course she needs to know that won't happen now. By ignoring it, I'd be teaching her a bad lesson. Honestly, I was less angry then I had been until you start going on about how I ignored my W's problems and scars. If you had any idea how much I went through before getting to the point where I need her money help more than I want her you would understand better. How many years of this craziness is enough? If my W hadn't spent like crazy on new clothes and shoes, spent money after I told her we can't afford something right now and emptied the account causing over drafts, etc.
I am not as angry today as yesterday but for Gods sake she went from what we agreed was bad but best to doing ONLY what SHE wants and what she wants has become horrible to me and my family! She has become totally unreasonable since her father entered the picture and this is the most serious stuff she will EVER do! She keeps getting angry over things that haven't even happened and doing things she can't take back, ever. In the last 5 days she has totally blown any chance that we will NOT get a divorce. She has forced me and her both bring outsiders into this, her her dad and me my parents. At times it actually seems like she is doing this just to get attention from her dad!
That doesn't mean I blame her father. It doesn't mean I'm not doing what I need to do. In that 5 days she went from doing something bad for everyone (separating) to the nuke option (full divorce in 60 days and moving out NOW), so yes, I'm a bit angry and upset. It's just ANOTHER betrayal in my eyes by this person who I've done so much for.
My D knows things are not good between her mom and I. She knows her mom has been acting badly for a long time. She knows because I told her that her mom is unhappy and wanting to feel better and looking for a way to do that. Now I need to tell her she has decided she wants to leave AND get a D. Also..... One of the biggest problems I'm having is my D isn't going to be able to go to the school she expected and her friends are at because, even if we could afford it, my W no longer thinks it worth the sacrifice in time and money for her to go. So, my D will have VERY LITTLE that doesn't change. She will have no friends in her new school (no matter if she stays with me or her mother), will go from only ever going to private school with at most 11 kids in her class to public school with up to 40! Not much will stay the same and this is the start of high school for her and she has always known the people she was at school with. They were like brothers and sisters. She is going to have to deal with her parents D AND all that and her mom dealing with her dad's cancer so she will be busy with that. The fact is her mom leaves her alone to fend for herself often. With our oldest, she never would have done that.
I'm so sick of the craziness. In the months leading to B-day, I had the co I worked for for 10+ years close unexpectedly, joined a start up which I had no idea what I was doing or what I was in for, had a vasectomy that I never wanted but did because my W said it would make her feel better and she had zero thoughts about separation or D! 12 weeks later was b-day. My life has been turned upside down and my W has been the worst of it. I feel like I'm being punished but don't know what for. So, anger is not an unusual response for someone in my position. Yes, I need to stop and move on but considering I had just wrapped my head around my W saying she was going but not going to file to not only did she see a L she filed, 5 days ago I think I'm doing OK.
Hi 2B, No, I don't. This is part of the problem. I have no where to escape. No family in the area and no money to just go get a room at the lake or something. I wish I did.
Hi AJ and thanks! I keep thinking about all the ways I could have handled things differently over the last several years. If I had not done this or had done that. If I had pushed her to get a job sooner or "made" her do the things she refused to do. I know you are right and part of me really sees that no matter what, my W would probably have ended up exactly where she is right now because I didn't cause her problems and nothing I could have done would have fixed them.
Funny that you say that about wondering why I stayed.... Some of this anger is for myself for being stupid enough to do all I have and to work as hard as I have while my W does NOTHING to try yo save her M! That's the hardest part for me. My W never tried the tiniest bit after 20 years together. After going on and on about not believing in D and that she would never put her kids through that! Of course that's common with MLCers from what I see on this board. I guess it was more so that my W had been through so much with her parents D and had been so hurt by it, I thought that would make it certain she would never do it herself. Boy was I wrong!
It is very easy to reflect and say " If only I had.." and "If we had..." then things would be different. I can tell you that my h even said in one of sobbing rages "we would probably be here no matter what and I don't know why." And he followed that up with everything I've ever allegedly done wrong:)(just a little humor)That's a tough pill to swallow and probably true. I think some people are more prone to a crisis than others from what I have read and from what others say here.
Your w as you knew her is gone. And while it is hurtful and sad, it will be okay. You seem like you are in better spirits today. I'm sorry about the family cat. Hang in there and stay the course:)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Hi Wonka, You are right and I wouldn't have retold the story if I didn't have someone telling me that I was not being compassionate and going on about things I said to my D I didn't. I just really didn't like that. Sorry about that. It was uncalled for but I get a bit too upset at the moment when I feel attacked and that my words are being twisted. Even when the other persons intentions were good.
I'm starting to see that I have to just ignore certain things and let stuff go. I'll tell you that for the first time in a long time I felt that this board was a negative for me as I started to feel attacked and right now, with all that's going on and my adrenaline as high as it is I tend to "fight" when I feel attacked! Not normal for me as I'm usually the peace maker!
I have ever been like that before now and I guess it's because I suddenly am thinking I should have been more aware and done things differently. I really was very easy going and didn't get upset easily. Maybe I should have been more forceful with my W and just in general. I feel sometimes like the world is out to get me and I need to be ready to defend myself and family any second.
I got the lawyer paid for but still have homework to do with him. Had the talk I was dreading with my mom and dad. Worked on finding another job. All that is left on my list is my own account which shouldn't be a problem except I need to keep the joint open has tax money is going to that account. It is taking forever to get here!
You are right and I'm on my way to getting off the tracks. Just need to untie my D's so they don't get run over by that train! Thanks again for slapping me back into the present and putting my attention on what I need to do NOW!
Thanks Georgia, You are right. My W's reasons have changed so many times and they cycle around like a spinning wheel. Maybe I need to lose some more of my sanity and I'll be more able to understand what can't be understood!
I do feel badly about the cat. We had her a long time and my W had to help her a her sister out of their mother as she was having trouble giving birth. She was a talker and I will miss her greatly.
I am in better spirits this morning and I need to stay focused. Thanks for the kind words and I'm sure I'll be in touch!
I am not as angry today as yesterday but for Gods sake she went from what we agreed was bad but best to doing ONLY what SHE wants and what she wants has become horrible to me and my family! She has become totally unreasonable since her father entered the picture and this is the most serious stuff she will EVER do! She keeps getting angry over things that haven't even happened and doing things she can't take back, ever. In the last 5 days she has totally blown any chance that we will NOT get a divorce. She has forced me and her both bring outsiders into this, her her dad and me my parents. At times it actually seems like she is doing this just to get attention from her dad!
That doesn't mean I blame her father. It doesn't mean I'm not doing what I need to do. In that 5 days she went from doing something bad for everyone (separating) to the nuke option (full divorce in 60 days and moving out NOW), so yes, I'm a bit angry and upset. It's just ANOTHER betrayal in my eyes by this person who I've done so much for.
Uhmmm....
That is what MLC is buddy...
Certainly a difference between reading about it, and living it....huh ?
A couple things that I want to touch on here....
I don't disagree with a lot of what 25 said to you, although more than a couple of her facts were....blurry ? (what's that about ? )
Yet, a LOT of what she says has truth in it...
You are focusing WAY too much on what she is doing, rather than how YOU are REACTING to it....
You may not accept her actions, yet she is 100%, script...MLC
She has her playbook and she is using it step by step....
And there is a TON of information in the archives that will show you the path that YOU should be taking to deal with it...
You need to dig within yourself and find out WHY you are REACTING with anger, instead of taking the steps to ACT from within yourself. And stop letting her words and actions affect you so deeply...
Reacting so personally, lets you play that "victim" card.
And you are NOT a victim...you had choices too
The goal is to be a survivor...
The reason I asked you the other day if you were up for a bet, was that I was going to challenge you to NOT post anything with the words (or anything that resembles the words) Wife, or Father-in-Law for a week. On your threads, or on any other threads...
And I would still like for you to take me up on that...
I want you to show me YOU. Who you are, and what you are about...
So far the only thing I know about YOU, is how you react to her bullschidt....(and the backstory is kind of irrelevant at this point)....
Your steps Your plan Your actions
The other thing that I want you to think about...
Is that your anger is allowing you to flame your entire Marriage here, and I don't think, that is fair at all...
If you had a Dog for 15 years, and he was the most loyal and loving Dog that you have ever seen in your life...
Right up til that day that he turned on you, and bit you...
Would that one incident make him a bad Dog for entire existence??
Or a really good Dog, that had a bad moment ???
If you cannot find the respect, and love for her, through this time in her life. Then how are you going to show your Daughters how to love her through this....
YOU are supposed to be the rock for them...start acting like it...
Stop reacting to her words....
They are empty, and meaning less. Even if you DO end up Divorced, it is just a legality, and it WILL NOT change what is in your Heart....
I do believe that you have a list to get back to....
Hi Mach, Sorry, didn't mean to ignore your bet. Just been a hard time lately. I'm well on my way on my list and hope to finish up all but the job by tomorrow. I don't want to be a victim that much is certain, I just can't seem to catch my breath and my fight or flight is going nuts! I should be working out but have been so busy I haven't been. I should have gone out last night and not worried about gas money. I'm over thinking everything, I think because everything I try has no effect on anything or makes things worse. Heck last time I went out the next day my W told me she filed! Yes it was fun and I enjoyed it but man not sure if I want to go out again and find my W left!
Time to think only about what's best for me and D's and leave the rest to God! Thanks Mach.
I know Mach, it was my lame attempt at humor! I guess I've been nuttier than I realized! Just feeling a bit better and thought it was funny. Of course she didn't file because I went out! :-)
