So heres a convo me and her had.. please tell me if what I did right and what I said wrong.
4/06 12:36] ☆me☆: Btw If ur annoyed about the book ill stop reading it.. (Man up! You bought the book to improve your relationship. How is not reading it going to improve things?)I swear to god I got it like a day ago wen I went mums.. (she doesn't care)I only read up page 45 I think n at that point the book just explains why people end up getting divorced and the consequences it brings.. theres a large bit of the book that brings out what to do but I havnt got to that point.. and I dont think I should.. I want you to (controlling)be with me for the person I am and what I do not what a book tells me.. the counsellor I spoke to heard what I had to say for half hr n gave me advice for 15 mins which was basically to look after myself and prepare for divorce as if it works it works if not then im prepared. N I knew this already so I neva done it again just wasted my money. [04/06 12:37] ☆me☆: Im sorry and I understand that if you divorce me theres nothing I can do (you can do something and I accept that (don't accept it unless YOU want to accept it).. I just want to make you happy..(she doesn't care. Nor does she believe you) [04/06 12:39] ☆her☆: Its ur book do what u want u bought it would be a waste of money if u dnt read it but thats up to u.. [04/06 12:39] ☆me☆: I got it 2nd hand on ebay for 2.99 (she doesn't care [04/06 12:40] ☆her☆: I dnt kno hu u r anymore ☆me☆ i dnt even kno myself nemore.. All i kno is i hate were i am ryt now in life.. [04/06 12:40] ☆her☆: I wish we hadnt rushed into this marriage i wish i could go back [04/06 12:40] ☆me☆: I know bbe (You don't "know" or you wouldn't be here. Instead ask "why" she feels that way.) [04/06 12:41] ☆me☆: Its up to hun what you wanna do... [04/06 12:41] ☆her☆: Easier sed the dne [04/06 12:44] ☆me☆: If you decide to leave me and go theres nothing I will do to stop you.. if you stay then you would have to accept me trying to make you happy (controlling).. and if you do I wish you could work with me to rebuild a new relationship.. I dont want to be in the marriage we had before.. I wana be in a new marriage and a new relationship but with the same person (she doesn't care) [04/06 12:46] ☆her☆: New marriage new relationship same person is not possible things just dnt work that way... Too much has happened to be forgotten.. U trying and becoming this new person is not hu i fell in love with [04/06 12:46] ☆me☆: I want you to (controlling) be your own person I wna get to know you all over again but I also know you dont want to be with me no more so I cant force it or anything [04/06 12:48] ☆her☆: Iv changed ☆me☆ im not the same person nemore... Completely changed dnt no if u see it.. I just feel ur better off with someone else someone hu u dnt have to become this whole new person for which isnt you being urself [04/06 12:51] ☆me☆: I know you have hun.. I see it.. and I accept it.. im doing it for myself bbe.. I took a deep thought and really looked back at who I was and felt disgusted.. your just someone thats gonna benefit from it.. [04/06 12:56] ☆me☆: Maybe this is something that god is testing us on.. and we have to get through.. whoever you changed into I want to get to know.. I like how u r now than how u were before. And like I said I accept it and accept you. [04/06 13:00] ☆her☆: But i dnt wana b this person dat i am.. [04/06 13:01] ☆me☆: Who do you want to be? [04/06 13:01] ☆her☆: I dint no just not this [04/06 13:01] ☆me☆: ☆her☆ end of the day when I married you I made a commitment to stick with you through thick and thin.. It doesnt matter who you are bbe.. I will always accept you for you who are [04/06 13:01] ☆her☆: Out of everything i just wana be left alone [04/06 13:02] ☆her☆: I dnt care abt this commitment we made a mistake this marriage is a mistake i dnt ever see myself forgetting everythin thats happened... [04/06 13:03] ☆me☆: I understand hun I rly do (extremely vague validation. Think about WHY she feels that way and tell her WHY you understand that she feels that way. If you don't know, don't BS. ASK!).. its up to you bbe.. I cant say or do anything to change your mind thats down on you [04/06 13:05] ☆me☆: I dont want to hurt you bbe I rly dont and I never would.. I rather hurt myself than cause you any harm (playing yourself to be the victim) and if you tell me to go ill go (again, man up! Don't tell her you'll go. Show her you'll stay.) [04/06 13:06] ☆me☆: I care about you a lot bbe (she doesn't care) [04/06 13:06] ☆her☆: The pain that u caused will never go away its the reason for me being numb i can never forget it... So to me no matter what u do or what sumone else does i will never trust/love anyone again [04/06 13:07] ☆me☆: I understand that (how do you understand this?) and your right the pain will be there.. but you also have to understand (controlling) it does heal in time.. even though it doesnt seem like it right now [04/06 13:08] ☆me☆: The thing is you just have to let it happen n try (controlling) [04/06 13:08] ☆me☆: But I know you dont want to do that (don't assume you know what she wants and don't put words in her mouth. They WILL be used against you.) [04/06 13:08] ☆her☆: Ur ryt i dont (see?) [04/06 13:08] ☆me☆: And I understand that (how?) but its for your benefit hun (she doesn't care) n im only trying to help you (controlling; she's a grown woman and doesn't need, and certainly doesn't want, your help) [04/06 13:09] ☆her☆: U think ur helping me but really ur not ur tryna ease the pain u cant help me not until i dnt help myself [04/06 13:10] ☆me☆: Then help yourself bbe (controlling) [04/06 13:10] ☆her☆: i cant [04/06 13:10] ☆me☆: You can ☆her☆ you just have to let it happen (controlling) [04/06 13:10] ☆me☆: Trust me bbe we can get past this I promise you this (she doesn't believe you) [04/06 13:10] ☆her☆: Let what happen ☆me☆???????? U dnt get it [04/06 13:11] ☆her☆: I dnt wana be in this nemre [04/06 13:11] ☆me☆: Then you dont have to [04/06 13:11] ☆me☆: Do whats best for you bbe (controlling) [04/06 13:11] ☆me☆: Obviously whatever I say will sound selfish n sound like im thinking of myswlf by keeping you but I honestly am not [04/06 13:12] ☆me☆: I wnt us to be happy together [04/06 13:12] ☆me☆: Just try to think with a open mind [04/06 13:12] ☆me☆: Whatever you decide to do ill support it [04/06 13:13] ☆her☆: U dnt get it [04/06 13:14] ☆me☆: Maybe I dont.. but from what I understand n briefly saying this.. you feel its too complicated.. u feel you cant forget the hurt and you feel you would be happier by yourself and it makes you feel like getting it more thus making you feel like you dont want this anymore (much better!) [04/06 13:14] ☆me☆: Pardon me if im wrong [04/06 13:15] ☆me☆: Let me ask you.. do you think it can ever work between us? Honestly (pursuit) [04/06 13:16] ☆me☆: Both us trying? [04/06 13:16] ☆her☆: No [04/06 13:16] ☆me☆: Ok then I have nothing left to say [04/06 13:21] ☆me☆: Decide what you want to do.. but dont tell me your not good for me because I know what I want...
So that conversation was a bit rough. You're new at this and you'll get better. Right now, when she talks, STFU (shut the F up) and listen. When you validate, don't just say "I understand". HOW do you understand? Think about what she has just said, extract the feeling, why she has that feeling and paraphrase back to her to SHOW that you understand. Most importantly, don't be in a rush to express your opinion. She doesn't care what you think. Hear her out, excuse yourself from the conversation and go away and think about what she has said for a while. Put yourself in her shoes and think about WHY she feels the way she does. By the way, this applies to anything: you, work, family, tripping over the coffee table. If she has a feeling and expresses it, listen and take it away to think about why she feels the way she does. Over time you'll get better at listening and validating and you'll be able to process her feelings a lot quicker.
There are a lot of controlling statements in that conversation. Telling her what she should do won't win you brownie points. STFU will help because the less you say, the less you will come off as controlling. She's a grown woman. Let her decide her own actions.
Lastly, noone likes a doormat. Don't do things because she wants you to do them. Especially more so if you don't agree with them. Be your own man. You don't have to agree with what she has to say. If she says something you don't agree with, consider what she is saying, think about how it fits in with who you want to be and do what is right for YOU. Sometimes it will be what she says. Sometimes it won't be. Sometimes it will be in the middle. Be true to yourself, who you are and what you want.
Me: 31, W: 29 T: 4 M: 2 Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3) Separated, still living together: Nov 2013 Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014 W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
So heres a convo me and her had.. please tell me if what I did right and what I said wrong.
4/06 12:36] ☆me☆: Btw If ur annoyed about the book ill stop reading it.. (Man up! You bought the book to improve your relationship. How is not reading it going to improve things?)I swear to god I got it like a day ago wen I went mums.. (she doesn't care)I only read up page 45 I think n at that point the book just explains why people end up getting divorced and the consequences it brings.. theres a large bit of the book that brings out what to do but I havnt got to that point.. and I dont think I should.. I want you to (controlling)be with me for the person I am and what I do not what a book tells me.. the counsellor I spoke to heard what I had to say for half hr n gave me advice for 15 mins which was basically to look after myself and prepare for divorce as if it works it works if not then im prepared. N I knew this already so I neva done it again just wasted my money. [04/06 12:37] ☆me☆: Im sorry and I understand that if you divorce me theres nothing I can do (you can do something and I accept that (don't accept it unless YOU want to accept it).. I just want to make you happy..(she doesn't care. Nor does she believe you) [04/06 12:39] ☆her☆: Its ur book do what u want u bought it would be a waste of money if u dnt read it but thats up to u.. [04/06 12:39] ☆me☆: I got it 2nd hand on ebay for 2.99 (she doesn't care [04/06 12:40] ☆her☆: I dnt kno hu u r anymore ☆me☆ i dnt even kno myself nemore.. All i kno is i hate were i am ryt now in life.. [04/06 12:40] ☆her☆: I wish we hadnt rushed into this marriage i wish i could go back [04/06 12:40] ☆me☆: I know bbe (You don't "know" or you wouldn't be here. Instead ask "why" she feels that way.) [04/06 12:41] ☆me☆: Its up to hun what you wanna do... [04/06 12:41] ☆her☆: Easier sed the dne [04/06 12:44] ☆me☆: If you decide to leave me and go theres nothing I will do to stop you.. if you stay then you would have to accept me trying to make you happy (controlling).. and if you do I wish you could work with me to rebuild a new relationship.. I dont want to be in the marriage we had before.. I wana be in a new marriage and a new relationship but with the same person (she doesn't care) [04/06 12:46] ☆her☆: New marriage new relationship same person is not possible things just dnt work that way... Too much has happened to be forgotten.. U trying and becoming this new person is not hu i fell in love with [04/06 12:46] ☆me☆: I want you to (controlling) be your own person I wna get to know you all over again but I also know you dont want to be with me no more so I cant force it or anything [04/06 12:48] ☆her☆: Iv changed ☆me☆ im not the same person nemore... Completely changed dnt no if u see it.. I just feel ur better off with someone else someone hu u dnt have to become this whole new person for which isnt you being urself [04/06 12:51] ☆me☆: I know you have hun.. I see it.. and I accept it.. im doing it for myself bbe.. I took a deep thought and really looked back at who I was and felt disgusted.. your just someone thats gonna benefit from it.. [04/06 12:56] ☆me☆: Maybe this is something that god is testing us on.. and we have to get through.. whoever you changed into I want to get to know.. I like how u r now than how u were before. And like I said I accept it and accept you. [04/06 13:00] ☆her☆: But i dnt wana b this person dat i am.. [04/06 13:01] ☆me☆: Who do you want to be? [04/06 13:01] ☆her☆: I dint no just not this [04/06 13:01] ☆me☆: ☆her☆ end of the day when I married you I made a commitment to stick with you through thick and thin.. It doesnt matter who you are bbe.. I will always accept you for you who are [04/06 13:01] ☆her☆: Out of everything i just wana be left alone [04/06 13:02] ☆her☆: I dnt care abt this commitment we made a mistake this marriage is a mistake i dnt ever see myself forgetting everythin thats happened... [04/06 13:03] ☆me☆: I understand hun I rly do (extremely vague validation. Think about WHY she feels that way and tell her WHY you understand that she feels that way. If you don't know, don't BS. ASK!).. its up to you bbe.. I cant say or do anything to change your mind thats down on you [04/06 13:05] ☆me☆: I dont want to hurt you bbe I rly dont and I never would.. I rather hurt myself than cause you any harm (playing yourself to be the victim) and if you tell me to go ill go (again, man up! Don't tell her you'll go. Show her you'll stay.) [04/06 13:06] ☆me☆: I care about you a lot bbe (she doesn't care) [04/06 13:06] ☆her☆: The pain that u caused will never go away its the reason for me being numb i can never forget it... So to me no matter what u do or what sumone else does i will never trust/love anyone again [04/06 13:07] ☆me☆: I understand that (how do you understand this?) and your right the pain will be there.. but you also have to understand (controlling) it does heal in time.. even though it doesnt seem like it right now [04/06 13:08] ☆me☆: The thing is you just have to let it happen n try (controlling) [04/06 13:08] ☆me☆: But I know you dont want to do that (don't assume you know what she wants and don't put words in her mouth. They WILL be used against you.) [04/06 13:08] ☆her☆: Ur ryt i dont (see?) [04/06 13:08] ☆me☆: And I understand that (how?) but its for your benefit hun (she doesn't care) n im only trying to help you (controlling; she's a grown woman and doesn't need, and certainly doesn't want, your help) [04/06 13:09] ☆her☆: U think ur helping me but really ur not ur tryna ease the pain u cant help me not until i dnt help myself [04/06 13:10] ☆me☆: Then help yourself bbe (controlling) [04/06 13:10] ☆her☆: i cant [04/06 13:10] ☆me☆: You can ☆her☆ you just have to let it happen (controlling) [04/06 13:10] ☆me☆: Trust me bbe we can get past this I promise you this (she doesn't believe you) [04/06 13:10] ☆her☆: Let what happen ☆me☆???????? U dnt get it [04/06 13:11] ☆her☆: I dnt wana be in this nemre [04/06 13:11] ☆me☆: Then you dont have to [04/06 13:11] ☆me☆: Do whats best for you bbe (controlling) [04/06 13:11] ☆me☆: Obviously whatever I say will sound selfish n sound like im thinking of myswlf by keeping you but I honestly am not [04/06 13:12] ☆me☆: I wnt us to be happy together [04/06 13:12] ☆me☆: Just try to think with a open mind [04/06 13:12] ☆me☆: Whatever you decide to do ill support it [04/06 13:13] ☆her☆: U dnt get it [04/06 13:14] ☆me☆: Maybe I dont.. but from what I understand n briefly saying this.. you feel its too complicated.. u feel you cant forget the hurt and you feel you would be happier by yourself and it makes you feel like getting it more thus making you feel like you dont want this anymore (much better!) [04/06 13:14] ☆me☆: Pardon me if im wrong [04/06 13:15] ☆me☆: Let me ask you.. do you think it can ever work between us? Honestly (pursuit) [04/06 13:16] ☆me☆: Both us trying? [04/06 13:16] ☆her☆: No [04/06 13:16] ☆me☆: Ok then I have nothing left to say [04/06 13:21] ☆me☆: Decide what you want to do.. but dont tell me your not good for me because I know what I want...
So that conversation was a bit rough. You're new at this and you'll get better. Right now, when she talks, STFU (shut the F up) and listen. When you validate, don't just say "I understand". HOW do you understand? Think about what she has just said, extract the feeling, why she has that feeling and paraphrase back to her to SHOW that you understand. Most importantly, don't be in a rush to express your opinion. She doesn't care what you think. Hear her out, excuse yourself from the conversation and go away and think about what she has said for a while. Put yourself in her shoes and think about WHY she feels the way she does. By the way, this applies to anything: you, work, family, tripping over the coffee table. If she has a feeling and expresses it, listen and take it away to think about why she feels the way she does. Over time you'll get better at listening and validating and you'll be able to process her feelings a lot quicker.
There are a lot of controlling statements in that conversation. Telling her what she should do won't win you brownie points. STFU will help because the less you say, the less you will come off as controlling. She's a grown woman. Let her decide her own actions.
Lastly, noone likes a doormat. Don't do things because she wants you to do them. Especially more so if you don't agree with them. Be your own man. You don't have to agree with what she has to say. If she says something you don't agree with, consider what she is saying, think about how it fits in with who you want to be and do what is right for YOU. Sometimes it will be what she says. Sometimes it won't be. Sometimes it will be in the middle. Be true to yourself, who you are and what you want.
Omg I have so much to learn and I am still going to read the book, I just dont want her to think im changing because of the book..
right even after reading all this does anyone feel I have a chance like seriously? Because I dont think I do...
@barrybran - you seem to know a bit.. do you mind re-writing what you think I should've said?
Ok so I came home and looked kinda misreable naturally after todays convo and she said how i should be a extra as im good at acting when she asked whats wrong and I said nothing smiled.
she said so all those broken promises and dreams you were acting.. I put my foot down and said I am not acting and I never was all the times I was happy I was.. now you saying this makes me feel like I cant be happy.
then I said you know what kl bbe. Think what you want.
damn [censored] [censored] up again.
I wish I could really fix this I really wish I could. Im going to loose her and theres nothing I can do. I hate my life.. why does god have to punish me for. Dammit!
"she said how i should be a extra as im good at acting when she asked whats wrong and I said nothing smiled."
Next time she starts on a subject like this, hold your hand up and tell her that you are doing research to understand why you are the way you are and are looking to change it. That the books are for you alone and your personal growth and to make you a better man. NOT for her but for YOU. And that the changes are not to get her back.
Look her dead in the eye when you say this and then walk away after. It will leave her something to think about.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
"she said how i should be a extra as im good at acting when she asked whats wrong and I said nothing smiled."
Next time she starts on a subject like this, hold your hand up and tell her that you are doing research to understand why you are the way you are and are looking to change it. That the books are for you alone and your personal growth and to make you a better man. NOT for her but for YOU. And that the changes are not to get her back.
Look her dead in the eye when you say this and then walk away after. It will leave her something to think about.
Thank you so much I honestly appreciate everyones advice and support.
The thing is its a book about divorce though and she read the cover already and on top she told me yesterday that she doesnt recognise me anymore and how she feels im going to be too perfect for her when she wants someone like her and how we are nothing alike.. its so difficult with this woman!!
Right so she came home and sat down to eat and I asked do you mind if I sat with you and she didnt reply so I took myself to go and sit there, however when I was pulling the chair out she said dont you have something better to do like go and read a book? I said look *hername* im reading those books to understand why I am like this and how I can change to be a better person. She said your like this because your f'd in the head, I carried on saying im not doing it for you im doing it for me and not to get you back, she was over talking me and was saying the book wont tell you why this happened you did this.. I just walked out when I finished and got into bed. She took her makeup off used the loo and got in bed aswell.. she cleared her throat and asked me a generic closed question to which I replied yes and then tried to elaborate my answer however she immediately cut me off and said I know so coldly.. such piss take.. this is where I would say I feel like cock slapping her but now im not.. I underatand I made her angry by her finding the book and perhaps thinks im being fake by being a robot from the book.. and I understand that so im jus going to lay her and not say nothing and go sleep. Im giving her space to calm down and get back to me.
Just a short one cos I'm on the phone. I'm only new like you 1wish. I am six months ahead of you, I've been through the journey you are going to go through and I am passing on what I can. When you get further in, vets like MrBond will be of more help so pay attention when I vet comes your way.
Me: 31, W: 29 T: 4 M: 2 Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3) Separated, still living together: Nov 2013 Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014 W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
She said your like this because your f'd in the head, I carried on saying im not doing it for you im doing it for me and not to get you back, she was over talking me and was saying the book wont tell you why this happened you did this..
Better. I've extracted this part from your post to highlight a validation opportunity that you missed. She said "you're f*cked in the head" and you defended yourself. Can you tell us what you should have said? Hint: Wonka has posted a thread on this today. It's worth having a look.
Me: 31, W: 29 T: 4 M: 2 Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3) Separated, still living together: Nov 2013 Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014 W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
The next time she says something like you're f'd in the head. Look her dead in the eye and tell her that you will not be disrespected. That it is up to her to think how she wants to about why you're doing what you're doing, but you will not tolerate her name calling. Then you should have kicked her @$$ out of bed.
Start getting your b@ll$ back. You keep the respect for her, but you don't tolerate her name calling.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
