Wife in MLC and ready to leave #4

[25yearsmlc]

Matt, you sound so angry that it's hard to help you, b/c you get angry at those of us trying to help you. Try not to to that.

I didn't talk to my daughter guys, didn't think it was a good idea after the cat died and it was late. I'm not going to go into ANY details about anything with my 14 year old daughter!

Good, b/c you claimed that your wife "should" be telling her all this and you also said something ambiguously, which is why I ASKED you whom you were referring to.


First, I didn't file, my W did. I didn't leave, her mother is. There is no need to place blame on her.
By the way, my D is 14, not 4. She knows what is going on a lot more than you guys seem to think.

Hence NO need for you to tell her or for your wife to give her side to things. It won't help your d.

She DOES need to know her mother is getting ready to sign a lease (yes, I know this it's not mind reading) and wants to split custody. It's going to happen. Would it be better to just wait until her mom starts packing and telling her then?

So, on one hand you just said your d KNOWS what's going on and you are not the person who should tell her, your wife is. THEN you say "she DOES need to know"...and so, what is it you are actually wanting to do?

Besides, my D is going to have to make a choice about where she wants to live.


Then be the type of parent she'll choose, and leave it at that. Are you worried she won't choose to live with you? B/C frankly, if she can choose, and if you are the rock, what is your specific FEAR about all this? You said your d knows your wife is leaving, (maybe they have even said a few things about it) but if not, then isn't it your job to reassure your d that she can be with you, has a home, will be taken care of, etc.? I mean, if you have been the rock all this time and the fun reliable parent, then keep being that!

You are spinning your wheels too much. Take a breath...and again...please. You sound really wound up.


After talking to the L, the way my W stated she wanted to do it (7 days, 7 days) isn't going to work as my W is moving too far away. If we lived in same school district at least, that might have worked, not more than 20 miles away.

Your position is reasonable and the L's will handle it. Period. The End...stop obsessing about THIS problem. You might have really big issues to deal with,

but worrying about having your d switch schools and surroundings, every week to accommodate the choice of her mother who moved away, is NOT one of them.
Besides, you just finished saying the obvious, your d GETS TO CHOOSE....so stop spinning around. This is not a problem for you, in reality.


She needs to know what is coming and what is coming is her parents are going to no longer live together or be married and she will have to decide where she wants to live most of the time. I am not going to lie to her and say things that aren't true, good or bad about her mom. If her mother hadn't been so wanting to hide everything from her she probably would have a better handle on what was coming but that was her choice. I happen to think she is entitled to know that her life is going to change in a big way and have time to prepare for that change, not wait until it's here and say "So, where do you want to live and you have to decide today".

Then Make up your mind to let her know that a divorce seems to be coming, you and her mom both love her and both want her to live with you (if true) and she'll get to decide whom to spend the bulk of her time with.
IF you remain in her school district and around her friends, and if she's seen you as the rock in her life, what specifically are you angry or afraid of?


Ignoring her depression at home? She WASN'T earning a good living for any of that time!

Take a breath Matt... My replies are to what I see, written by YOU. If you are not clear, perhaps b/c you're so angry, then slow down and breathe.

I have to ask, and I'm being sincere, but is this how you were with your wife when she was depressed? I sense such a frantic bitter level of high intensity from you, it's a bit draining just to read.

Take it easy and explain what you want to do NOW...and from this day forward. Not the past or the blame game, or all the catestrophizing. My h's MLC cost us a fortune...we have retirement accounts and all the rest, ALL the savings are gone and there is no college fund for our youngest.

We'll work it out and I'll never spin around about it b/c that is counter productive and I want to stay in the present...married to my h. But you'll never get anywhere if we all have to agree on your past AND present AND future. The future is not known and by predicting fiasco after fiasco, you make today a lot worse for everyone around you. I also really do believe you can speak some things into existence. See Shawn Achor's TED talk -2012-- about positive ways of thought. Seriously, it's excellent and potentially life changing.



It was all any of us could think about because she was always either too tired to move OR screaming and at times hitting the girls. (I had to pull her away several times when she lost her temper with my oldest).

Not sure who suggested you ignored her depression but your descriptions have been a tad confusing. I feel as if you swing from complaints about the past to fears about the future, and fury about the present...

And I'm not sure what you are responding to. Thing is,

you can't blurt out things like she was "hitting the girls", as if we have heard this before.
It's the first time I've heard that, (which is odd, btw). I mean if she's violent and you had to pull your wife off of your d, that's a big "Detail" to leave out til now = when you feel defensive. So I suggest that you not dribble out important facts/details. We only know what you post HERE & only when you post it.



I SHOULD have ignored her depression instead of trying so hard to help her out of it. Trying different AD drugs (I would go to dr with her when the drugs she was taking weren't working), constantly trying to read the latest on how to best treat loved ones with depression. I have stood by her through so much of her "psychological scars" and the damage it did to not just her but my kids as well. Until you live with a depressed person who talks about not wanting to live. Until you have to wake up every day wondering if she will function you have no idea what it's like. You are so far off base here it's unbelieveable!


Not sure who you are speaking to ^^here...but I HAVE AND PRESENTLY DO Live with someone being treated for major depression and anxiety disorders & suicidal ideation...

I think I am reading the words of a man who is not in control of his emotions, at the moment, which I hope is b/c you are just venting away here....

You also accused me of getting your story confused with someone else b/c I did miss a detail about your d's ages/conditions.
But the thing is, most of it was right. You have said your wife has been bad news for a long time. I asked what you'd be losing then, if she is too leave b/c frankly you do NOT sound like a man who loves her.

You even admitted that in the past 2 days! You needed her income, period. That's YOUR WORDS, so the only thing anyone is really losing by her leaving, is money.

Okay, That's why you hire a L to get what you can for you & your girls....and you get back on the horse for a better job with more money asap.

This is not easy, but it's also not complicated. You have to earn more money soon.

Yes I think your wife is emotionally disturbed. I still think that. I didn't say you have to stay with her. You don't. You're not. If you are going to keep spinning about how evil/crazy she is/was/will always be, then I'd just tell you that I don't think it'll help your d's. I also don't believe it helps you, either, but that's your choice.



Sorry but when after she DIDN'T work for 15 years, had been back at work for less than 4 years, we talk and come to the decision that she wants me to go do the start up KNOWING I will NEED her income for it to work and 3 months later tells me she wants a D, my "compassion" is waning a bit! She has only worked for about 4 years. Only since I started at this new business has my income been less than hers.

What are you arguing about here?^^^ I don't know what I"m supposed to reply to here. So I'll move on...


I don't have compassion when without warning or even telling me, she stops putting money in the joint acct. and I still keep paying the bills and then tells me too bad, that was your $200 in fees, I'm not contributing at all.

Yes I have read this ^^ before. She said you should have told her that a bill had been paid so she'd know the funds were needed, and you don't agree with her. But you keep repeating this offense of hers as if repeating it makes it a stronger argument. It doesn't. IT keeps YOU stuck.

By the way SHE refused to say she needed help anymore for depression. I TRIED to help her. I didn't NEED her "good income" thanks as I had kept my family going for 15 years without it!

How dare you even sa

YOU SAID you only needed her income. This was a realization of yours, which YOU wrote here in the past 36 hours. I respond only to what I read here, which YOU write.

Now that your blasting of me has created a defensiveness in me that is annoying (b/c I've been around here awhile and rarely get so much anger from someone), I think it's valuable for you.

I suggest You take a hard look at how you react to a total stranger who donates time to help you. Your anger is inappropriate.

You are coming across as a bully.


I ignored her depression? And it took me until now, after all the crap she has said and done to get to the point where I felt that my needing her income is what's holding me back from just saying "GO if that's what you want!" A selfish user?

read what I wrote again. I did NOT CALL YOU a "selfish user". I was trying to get you to see a possible point of view your wife might have. IT's called "empathy". Sheesh...this is silly now. Hey, good luck Matt!
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Yes I have a reflection on this, YOU ARE WAY OFF BASE!


Constant blame game? You have no earthly idea what you are saying. You have no idea what the last 7 years have been like let alone the last year. Nothing I said is untrue, why is it so hard for you to think that a man can actually be a good father and husband?

wth?

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Do you think I should be nice to her after all she has done the last year? Do you think it would be better if I said how much I love and how much compassion I have for the woman who makes promise after promise and does the opposite and then claims she didn't "lie" she just "changed her mind". The person who can't say how but "knows' I'm to blame for her being unhappy because she's tried everything else and none of that worked so.....

I said, and I repeat, GAL b/c without it you cannot detach. And YOU need to detach. Big time.

I know you are trying to help and use assumptions based on what you have seen in the past from your sitch or others. Just think about the examples I given. How many people do you know who have had just the things with my FIL happen in their M? Not to mention all the crazy stuff that my W has said and done with the girls.

As I said, your wife is not well. I've held to that the whole time I've written to you. I think your FIL is emotionally abusing her, at best. I already said this, but it's not what you hear. That's a problem in how YOU receive information. The way you give your opinion to me here is you bludgeoning me, and NOT reading what I said carefully enough. I said "to some" or "to your wife it might look like" and you act as if I've written this about you as a fact, published in a newspaper.

I actually WASN'T angry last night. I actually looked at her and felt for the first time, nothing. No anger, no love, no hate, just felt like I don't know this person and I just don't care. Much better than the pain I have been feeling. If that's not "detaching" nothing is and it was real.


Actually not caring is NOT detaching, but it's better than obsessing I guess. Anyhow, I don't think you're in a good position to hear me. I think others can probably help you more.