Living the ocean dream...

[Underdog]

Hi All,

Thanks for the well wishes--they are very much appreciated. (((((Group hug)))))

I think I've mentioned this here before, but MIL had been sick since the day Mr. W. and I walked down the altar. She had emphysema and a heart condition (which is the typical result of a heart working too hard, but she had a hereditary condition as well).

I can't tell you how many times Mr. W. has been summoned to her death bed, only for her to make a miraculous recovery at the last minute. It seems sort of surreal that her passing was done in a very unceremonious fashion. She died in her sleep after her dinner nap.

For her peaceful passing, I'm happy. I pray that she finds peace in her spirit state--something she never had here. I was not the cause of her unhappiness--she was the type of woman who had to have an enemy, and I was a really good one for a lot of reasons. Plus it kept her vitriol toward her own siblings at bay. Very sad indeed.

I forgot to post this yesterday, but when I was talking to my BIL yesterday, he told me he loved me and that when he got home, he was going to put 100% effort into repairing his fractured family. I understood that it meant addressing Mr. Wonderful about the state of our M and addressing his dad (my FIL) about mending things between us.

My FIL had written me a few e-mail notes to tell me that he has felt bad about what MIL felt and said about me. He chose not to set himself up for turmoil and strife by making this an issue. His life was hard enough with MIL alive, so I understand (and understood).

He's not blameless, though. We have joked (away from the in-laws, of course) that each of the parents had to have an enemy. FIL chose to openly egg on my BIL's wife--and when MIL turned on her too, the war got very ugly from their perspective.

Neither she nor I could choose to be on the end of her viputerative nature, so the venom was on her side only. I convinced my BIL's wife to wish her well when she wanted to stress out. We both had difficulty with this, but made a significant effort in this.

We both have to work on forgiveness.

I fully understand that MIL was the reason for our turbulent R. I tried for 12 years to please her--or at the very minimum, try not to piss her off. I realized that she WANTED to hate me, so there was nothing I could do and gave up that fight.

However, not forgiving her has hurt ME, which is why I'm sad. I wish things had been different.

I also pray that wherever she is, she can see that I'm not the bad person she thought I was. I hope she sees that I still love her son and want him to be happy. I also pray that I can learn to find good in her too.

The funny thing is that I think if this had happened exactly one year ago, Mr. W. would have filed for D. I've read enough to know that often big events spur them into thinking that they need to find happiness. In our case, I think Mr. W. has learned over the year that I am not responsible for his happiness or unhappiness, so I hope that he isn't led to make any rash decisions as a result.

I don't think he will...

When he called me late yesterday afternoon, I sensed that he wanted to say he loved me... but instead he just told me that he wanted me to keep the girls happy this week, and knew that I would and he really appreciated it. He reminded me that D9's birthday is Sunday ( I'm the mom, how could I forget?) and he would try to be home for it.

I'll chalk his senior moment up to shock and grief.

Deb--I know that was a really tough decision. We've had extended family members who have encountered the same reaction... one of my aunt's was told "I'm going to die in a couple days of a broken heart, and you know that it's your fault." The other aunt in question didn't pass away that soon, but she tried to make the other aunt assume guilt for a really long time. It's a no-win situation.

But I can safely say that most people look at making that decision as the ultimate last resort... if there were any other viable options, they would have been chosen.

Big hugs to all!

Betsey