Well, maybe for your W, she's at the confluence of turning 50 and all that pondering that comes with it? Some folks don't do it at 50 but maybe 55 or 60? Since your W has already gone through menopause, I can't speak as to how things look at the end of the tunnel. Have you read thoroughly on this subject? I'm not there yet.
And for the record,I've tried everything without putting myself at extreme risk for cancer (family jewels passed along). So I wait it out. It's not totally miserable, but uncomfortable enough.
Now that you've clarified it and 25 hit on some stuff, here's where I'm going. Btw, please don't discount the other men here. They certainly have the male POV for you. Here goes.
Putting myself in your W's shoes, I would be really unhappy if my guy approached me with what you're thinking of wanting to do. Primarily because it comes across as "here's what I think is wrong with you so you need to fix it." Actually, I think this applies to pretty much everything in general.
So your W is not comfortable talking to you about this stuff. Why? Seriously. Put some effort and think of any time in the past where you might have said something that led your W to believe this subject is not safe with you. I'd start there. There's something there. Maybe how you express your opinions? Maybe you're an authority on the subject? I don't know so I'm throwing it out there.
And you're right in that the more you press her to cross the line to your side, the more resistance you're going to get. Does she feel safe being able to have her needs met? What I mean by that is that she can trust you to back off and commit to being more understanding? At least for now, until you can find out what has changed for her?
Look, it's no surprise that men and women use sex to gain control. If you think there is any chance that her withholding is due to this dynamic, someone has to give in until you can manage the resentment. Is that an issue over the past year?
My XH knew full well that it was the one thing I needed from him. And he was so resentful that he cut it off. Right before he moved out, he told me "I can't screw someone I hate, no matter how much I love sex." Ouch!!!! Please don't let things get this bad before you dig deep and acknowledge the elephant in the living room, if there is one.
And when you DO talk about this with her, use feelings statements to lead your questioning. "Sweetie, I know that you haven't said anything specific, but things have changed. I'm hurt that you haven't felt safe discussing this with me, and I'm also hurt that you've turned down making love with me without letting me know why. Can you tell me what you're feeling or if there is something I'm doing that bothers you so we can fix this? Our marriage is really important to me, and communicating will help me get there."
I read something yesterday where the therapist recommended using an object as he marker for who was speaking. Until it was passed, only that person could have the floor. It keeps one listening and engaged and prevents us from preparing rebuttals instead of listening. So focus on understanding before you seek to be understood.
I highly recommend you backing off some until you can find out why. It may be as simple as her having vaginal dryness and pain during sex and not feeling like she can say it out loud, especially if you're pressing your case and it's packaged in such a fashion that she sees it as "It's all about Grey, all of the time." I really don't think it's true, BTW, but remember perception is reality to her.
So please share what you can so that we can guide you better.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
