Continuing my DB'ing journey...

[T384]

Hi all,

Last thread was locked a few days ago so I figured it was time for a new one. H is now getting his own apartment this week. He and his lawyer received my counter petition to the divorce. We just stated that the husband alleges the marriage is irretrievably broken and that was it. He and I do not discuss anything but the boys and bills. He has never brought up the divorce to me since March and that was to just tell me he was thinkng of seeing a lawyer. I feel like it's an odd elephant in the room.

I have read DB and read DR twice. I guess I am feeling discouraged. I feel like I have been doing LRT and been pretty dark (minus the kids) since I joined here in early April. He does not reach out to me. He hasn't once even said hi or hello or how are you via text he just will say 'do the boys need this' or what are the boys doing. Not a hi please thank you nothing. I know I need to work on detaching. I feel in such a strange place after finding out about 18 year old GF. I find myself wondering if I reacted differently when he first left in February and March would things be different. Could DB had worked?

I am setting up a coaching session for next week as I need some specific direction on how to handle my H and interactions with him. If I should continue NC minus the kids or what? I know there is probably no saving my marriage anymore but I am not ready to give up.

[Maybell]

I can't help you but I wanted to let you know I hear you and support you. I think it's great you're getting a coach and I look forward to hearing how that goes for you. Best of luck and I hope you hear from somebody with more experience than I have to offer.

[T384]

I am pretty upset. I just got a screen shot of a text that H sent a friend back in February before he left saying ... A friend of mine, my boss's daighter told me I deserve to be loved and appreciated for who I am and what I do and not be in a relationship with W who doesn't appreciate me and respect me.'

So in other words the 18 year old and her family have been in his ear since before he left and he chose to cheat and leave us. Yet he still holds out that this is all because of me and that they are only now recently dating because I accused them.

[Georgiabelle]

TO,

Frequently, they have someone or someones rooting them on. Why? Well if you were listening to someone complain about how horrible their life is then the tendency is to say "Move on!" or "Find someone who appreciates you." It doesn't make it truthful or accurate.

I think I shared on my thread that I took cookies to my h's office. This was before I knew he was telling him essentially that I was Lucifer and had ruined his life (and I'm being very kind with what he said about me to his 20 something coworkers). Looking back, I felt ridiculous. But like so many told me here...why should I be embarrassed? I brought some freaking cookies and was pleasant to everyone like I always am. It's what I like to do. Nothing to hang my head in shame over. You also have to remember that I'm sure your h is not sharing his shortcomings with his *friends*. We ALL have them. However, I bet the focus was more on all that you did wrong in his eyes versus anything he did. I'm sure your h is playing the ever popular *victim* card which should be sold at Hallmark:)Remember, you can't control what he says or does. Just how you react and how you behave.

Don't let this get you down. I know it is hurtful, however, don't let this keep you from moving forward. You are doing a great job focusing on you and your boys. You are making some positive changes and that's great for YOU!

[oad]

Sounds like my case...it seems all of my wifes friends are now convincing her to divorce me and end the unhappy marriage she is in....but you have to remember that all the bad things that our WAS says to their friends is them looking for validation, and eventually people give up and get sick of hearing all the complaints and say " well then just leave him/her already" "wow I didn't know he/she was such an a hole" etc etc....its a shame how these walk aways only hear and see what they want to and are easily influenced by everyone but their spouses.

[T384]

It really is a shame... Hopefully one day they will have enough space and time to reflect and see the truth

I need advice. I found out for a fact he was seeing 18 year old before he left. I have texts he sent to friends saying that she told him he didn't deserve to be treated the way I treated him and that he deserved to be loved and respected and appreciated. So basically she was in his ear before he left our home. Not that he isn't at fault. I am thinking of writing a letter to let him know I am aware of the things he did while we were still living under the same roof as husband and wife. Any advice is appreciated

[woundedfool]

I have read DB and read DR twice.

I would read DR a few more times, stick with specific chapters, almost to the point you can recite them.

I guess I am feeling discouraged.

It happens, those feelings can ebb and flow.

I feel like I have been doing LRT and been pretty dark (minus the kids) since I joined here in early April.

That is still awfully new. Don't set an expectation or a timeline for results, your only bound to be disappointed. How many times have you heard here that this is a marathon, not a sprint? Plus (and this is not a criticism, just a reminder), you are only recently going dark, you have mentioned in your other threads some pursuing behaviors (and that you have ended them).

He does not reach out to me. He hasn't once even said hi or hello or how are you via text he just will say 'do the boys need this' or what are the boys doing. Not a hi please thank you nothing. I know I need to work on detaching.

Yes, you still need to work on that detachment. Have you read the 37 rules? If not, read them, memorize them. If so, are you actually following them?

I feel in such a strange place after finding out about 18 year old GF. I find myself wondering if I reacted differently when he first left in February and March would things be different.

I cannot disagree, but trying to second guess with hopes of changing the past is just impossible. Accept whats "done is done" and learn from your experience.

Could DB had worked?

IT STILL CAN! But only if you are on board.

I am setting up a coaching session for next week as I need some specific direction on how to handle my H and interactions with him. If I should continue NC minus the kids or what? I know there is probably no saving my marriage anymore but I am not ready to give up.

Excellent! I am very glad you are taking this step. Look at the thread on preparing for coaching, it can't hurt.

I am pretty upset. I just got a screen shot of a text that H sent a friend back in February before he left saying ... A friend of mine, my boss's daighter told me I deserve to be loved and appreciated for who I am and what I do and not be in a relationship with W who doesn't appreciate me and respect me.'

While I can't (and won't) dismiss your feelings, because they hurt. I want you to think about his feelings. You have mentioned you may not have appreciated him as much as you should have. As a 180, maybe find the SMALLEST something you can, and simply tell him you appreciate it?

Yet he still holds out that this is all because of me and that they are only now recently dating because I accused them.

Well, yea.... That is his storyline, he does believe it. So why should it matter to you? You can scream and yell from the rooftops that he had the relationship started before the D, what does that accomplish?

However, as a side note: it would be a matter for your attorney to address at the appropriate time.

[woundedfool]

I need advice. I found out for a fact he was seeing 18 year old before he left. I have texts he sent to friends saying that she told him he didn't deserve to be treated the way I treated him and that he deserved to be loved and respected and appreciated. So basically she was in his ear before he left our home. Not that he isn't at fault.

As I mention above, he did have some reasonable gripes about respect and appreciation. Try the 180 I suggest about showing appreciation.

I am thinking of writing a letter to let him know I am aware of the things he did while we were still living under the same roof as husband and wife. Any advice is appreciated

I will first say, DO NOT SEND A LETTER!

But I will also ask you: what do you hope to accomplish by sending one?

Plus, as I mention above... ABSOLUTELY share this info with your attorney, this can potentially help during the settlement process. FYI: IANAL

[T384]

Thank for your words GB. I get what you mean about the cookies and I understand the embarrassment as I feel the same way. Just embarrassment that I'm not good enough to be with over a teenager

Wounded - can you be specific on what you mean to show him I appreciate him in the 180? You know he did reach out after I went pretty dark and would ask me things about our animals and stupid things. I just never responded. Then he stopped after he did this a few times and didn't get a response from me . Is that what I'm supposed to be doing is completely ignoring him on anything except the kids and household bills? I also have told him since day one I was validating his feelings - I'm sorry I made you feel that way I'm sorry you felt nothjng was good enough. When he would ever actually put money in the bank to help I would make sure to text him and say thank you for taking care of this, etc.

Any specific things I should do from your perspective would be greatly appreciated. I am not ready to give up but I really don't see how he will change his mind now that I know he's been in a full fledged relationship since before he left.

[Anders]

A newbie's perspective but I think you are handling your situation remarkably well. Great move on getting the coach.