KGirl - Movin' On and Out!

[KGirl]

Thanks, all, for your kind words. I know eventually this will not weigh on me every hour of every day - as you said, sweetbabyred, 6 months is a relatively short time to deal with this. My close friends regularly tell me that they think I am handling this very well and have a lot of good insight, all things considered.

I picked up my keys today and checked out my new place. I don't know if this happens to anyone else, but I often find that when I go check out an apt. and sign a lease, I remember it one way, but then when it's actually time to move in it looks way worse than what I remembered the first time. This time it looked pretty good! It's difficult moving from a 3 bedroom, 1800 square foot house to a little one bedroom apartment (and I thought I wasn't going to have to move for another 10+ years just a year and a half ago... goes to show you you really can't know much for certain!) but it is what it is. At least I'm not paying a mortgage like H is going to have to do.

One of our tasks today was to look at wedding mementos/pictures and figure out how to divide it up. That was difficult, because it's hard for me to accept or understand why H would want any of that given all that he's said about our M and our relationship. But, whatever. If he wants to look at it and think fond thoughts about me, fine There was a point that I started to get too emotional and had to leave and come back. H was very quiet after that. An hour or so later he went to eat lunch and said "It's hard for me to eat, I don't feel good."
Me: What doesn't feel good?
H: My stomach.
Me: Oh, I'm sorry.
H: Too many emotions.

Hmm... interesting. So far H has shown really no emotion about any of this.

I flipped back through my notebook and looked at the goals I set back in January:
-H will make small talk with me
-H will invite me to do something
-H will stop talking about D/S
-H will include me in future plans
Well, almost all of those have happened (minus the "including in future plans") and it still hasn't changed anything. I had some last-minute wishy-washyness today about moving - am I making the right decision? Am I the one walking away now? Should I have stayed? But I stayed for 6 months and it didn't change anything... he didn't move an inch in terms of what he says he wants. What I do know is I can't live under these circumstances (separate bedrooms, no acknowledgement or sharing in his daily life, won't even sit by me at the kitchen table, never knowing if I can decorate or work in the garden because I might have to leave the house) so even though it's hard and scary, I have to do this to move on. It's not going to push him any further away. It could even help, who knows.

So, here are my new goals, that are just about me!
-Unpack and outfit my new place, especially some fun outdoor stuff for the balcony (plants, lights, patio furniture, etc.)
-Plan for my trip to Las Vegas at the end of the month
-Look into buying/leasing a car (I'm borrowing a clunker from my parents - H and I had always shared a car, but that wasn't really going to work after BD. I don't need a car to/from work, just nights and weekends, so it pains me to spend money on something I use a few times a week.. but if I have to have one, I want it to be something I'm proud of and like to drive!)
-Look into getting a new laptop - again, H and I shared his desktop, and this laptop is toooo slow.

[KGirl]

Ugh. Twice in the past two days, H has left his phone out and it light up/buzzed with a notification. I know better, but I looked over anyway to see what it was buzzing about. It was a notification that OW/coworker/EA/"just a friend, but I've thought about telling her how I feel"/whatever she is had sent him a message via Words with Friends. I know it doesn't matter at this point. He doesn't want to be M so what he's doing is irrelevant. BUT, when we had our last big R conversation in March he told me he wasn't friends w/ her anymore and wasn't talking w/ her anymore. All I can think of now is what a liar he is. And he says he's going to use this time to just think about himself and what he wants and has no intention of dating because "he's still married"... but yet he's still talking with her.

One of his big issues with me is that I don't trust him enough. Why does he believe that I should trust him when he's lying to me? He is not worthy of my trust. And again, I know I shouldn't let it bother me, it's irrelevant. I took a few hours to go do errands hoping I'd feel better, but as soon as I came home and saw his stupid face I just wanted to yell at him and call him out on his lying.

Friday could very well be the last time we ever see each other face-to-face. There are a lot of things I want to say. Pretty sure I shouldn't say any of them:
-that if things change, he should let me know and I still want to figure it out.
-however, I'm not going to wait around forever.
-that nothing will EVER happen unless he ends his friendship w/ OW because of how it has hurt me and us, but he seems to be incapable of doing that
-that if he wants to be trusted, start acting trustworthy and pull your head out of your ***
-that I wish him luck finding his "happiness" (moreso in a sarcastic way than a sincere way)
-have fun w/ OW, because one kid and another on the way is not going to mean less responsibility. Hard to spend hours every week on fantasy sports and video games when you have an infant to take care of. Try not to screw up her family, too.
-and other not-very-nice and accusatory things of that nature.
Instead, I'll just not say anything and be polite but distant as I finish packing up my stuff.

[hope456]

I understand your anger. There are many not-so-nice things that I want to say to my H, but, like you, I'm doing my best to bite my tongue. I did tell my sister that I wished ED on him, but I don't really hope for that...and it was the day he told me that he definitely wanted a D, so I think I'll give myself a pass.

You're doing great

[KGirl]

Thanks, hope. It is so nice to come here and have people who understand. People I know in the real world just say things like "He's a d-bag, why don't you just D him yourself, you'll never be able to trust him again, he's not worth it, forget him" etc. etc. It's just not that simple. Especially when he hasn't done anything that has clearly crossed into heinous/unforgiveable territory (for me anyway).

I read an article today about letting go and this quote was in there. Coincidentally when I "liked" the article on fbook, my sister posted that same quote to my wall. It's going to be my new mantra:

“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.” ~ Joseph Campbell

[Ggrass]

I know that feeling exactly, to be told I'm not a cheater or a liar! Of course not you don't lie to commit an affair, not at all! Rolls eyes.


I get it, they don't.

[hope456]

I love that quote! Thanks for sharing.

[Georgiabelle]

K Girl,

I know those feelings all too well. I am not saying your h will do this , however my h was having an EA with a coworker. He said when moving out that he "just wanted to be alone" and that he "wanted to spend this time focusing being a better father." 3 weeks later he was dating a college student (not the one he was having an EA) who offered to rescue him after a very pathetic Twitter breakdown. I'm not sure how that enhances one's role as a father and like you, I'm finding it difficult to even see how we could rebuild to even a * friendly * R.

I want to be honest- I don't think I've transformed myself drastically. I've recognized things I need to work on, have made changes and continue to look at myself and what can make my life better. We are all a work in progress. I do think there are some people who simply are unable to take a look at themselves. Why? It's too painful and it's much easier to blame others than do the work. Start a new R and there won't be any issues.....until there are.

Try not to focus on whether you could trust your h. You will know when you do or don't want that. And regardless of what you choose, you really will be fine.

It's exciting about your new place. I think you are doing well:-)

[KGirl]

Hmm. I've been saying I wish my H would be able to say I'm sorry without a "but" ("I'm sorry, but [insert justification for behavior here]". Today I got an I'm sorry, without a "but." Preceding it, H was telling me a story about a client whose wife was leaving him to illustrate that this "isn't just happening to us." Yes, I'm quite aware other people in the world are getting divorced, thanks. That doesn't mean that makes this OK!

H: If this doesn't work out, I'm sorry I put you through this. I'm sorry for hurting you. This isn't something I ever envisioned happening, until recently. [?? "until recently?" whatever that means]
Me: OK. I understand.
H: I just wanted to let you know.
Me: OK. *sneaks off to cry in the bathroom for a while*

I don't know what, if anything, that means. Particularly the "if this doesn't work out" like it's a possibility and not a certainty. Blah. Not half an hour before all that, he was mad at me because I accidentally put a tissue through the laundry so there were little bits of tissue all stuck in the washing machine, and was saying that he was looking forward to not having to clean up "other people's messes."

[Thornton]

Your WAH seems to be all over the place. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Keep detaching and hold it together. I think some distance once you move out will be good for both of you. It might give him a chance to sit in silence and wonder about you for a change.

[KGirl]

Thanks, Thornton. Yes, he does jump around quite a bit. I am constantly reminding myself that it means nothing. He's still talking with his "just a friend" so I don't want him back under those circumstances. Sometimes I kick myself for moving because you're not "supposed to" under DB, but I still believe it's what I need to do to feel comfortable and live my life in a better way. It became too hard to live as roommates, knowing how he felt about me. I'll leave him to his quest for happiness - always looking for something better, or the next thing, without appreciating and working with what's in front him. Meanwhile, I'll get to focus on ME! and darnit, if I want to eat cereal for breakfast, I can do it and no one will be complaining that they need "meat and potatoes"!