Controversial Option. Apologising for causing an a

[Train]

True. I never see Notes, either.

Always thought that was a shame ...

... 'til now.

[figgeroni]

lying is always an option...
and trust me
they will find ways to spin this so it is your fault and you didn't get all the messages etc etc etc

[Train]

Have you heard from her since you messaged her about the "blip"?

[RedHawk98]

Not heard anything at all. Checked the FB page and there have been none of her family and friends messaging me or deleting me.
I asked a handful of trustworthy friends if they had seen any of these notes. They hadn't. But it was late when I did it.

[Ggrass]

lying is always an option...
and trust me
they will find ways to spin this so it is your fault and you didn't get all the messages etc etc etc

This is just so true! In fact standing in front of you lying saying and saying I never lie, I'm not dishonest is really gob smacking. I feel like laughing, not validating.

[RedHawk98]

Oh without a doubt, the lies, justifications in front of proof and the cornered rat behaviour sometimes has been absolutely shocking.
It's the arrogance that she has despite living this secret life that she's obviously ashamed of that makes me shake my head.

[25yearsmlc]

Oh without a doubt, the lies, justifications in front of proof and the cornered rat behaviour sometimes has been absolutely shocking.
It's the arrogance that she has despite living this secret life that she's obviously ashamed of that makes me shake my head.

Well I think you are missing the boat here, in a couple of ways.

First, this whole message thing (which you did NOT need to tell her), is at odds with your whole apology letter and intent behind it. How can she reconcile what appears to be a vindictive act on your part, with the whole "I know I played a role in pushing you into the arms of OM"...??

Second, it DOES come off badly for YOU. It means you do snoop, you hold onto "evidence" so you can use it against her which means you are NOT LIKLEY to ever forgive her or move past this.

It's the opposite of "KEEPING THE ROAD HOME, PAVED & SMOOTH"...

you have to figure out if you really want to save this m....b/c I think you are getting ready for a divorce and wanting to make yourself look like the victim and she like the bad guy. How does that help anyone?

Lose the score card. She has her own scorecard and on hers, YOU are not ahead.

Finally, every single woman I know who has had an affair, has felt justified!! They hid it b/c they were "being sensitive" not b/c they are ashamed. Not necessarily at all.

it's not a "sex only" thing, that some men can pull off and keep doing.

For most women (not all, but most and surely yours)--
the affair means something vital to them, was missing in their marriage.

That does not excuse their behavior but to them, they are reacting to a loss in their marriage and to them, they are doing what they must do to be happy.

If I were in her shoes and had justified the relationship, then I felt you'd basically shoved me into the arms of OM. IF I then I got your letter, I might ponder it and I might have second thoughts about my choice and maybe you CAN change...

b/c NO WAS goes back to a lonely marriage, unless they believe the

marriage can be better/different than before.

So to see THIS NOTE about how you "exposed" her to others and that it's b/c you had stored up her "sins" on your devices...

would make ME feel like filing.

I'd believe my h had cornered me to shame me, and no spouse goes home in shame, and stays...

If it were me, I'd say "Oh, so you think it's a sleazy 'AFFAIR' & telling everyone is fine? NO, it's not. It's LOVE and it's the REAL thing and I've been so unhappy for so long and this 'exposure' proves you are a controlling vindictive guy"

and she'll get her score card out, etc....

I'm so sorry, but I think this is NOT a good thing for you or your cause.

[RedHawk98]

Thank you, I totally agree with your post.
It's no excuse, but due to me moving a great distance I had to dispose of a lot of things that day. I came across that one thing that hurt me the most. So I lashed out.
It was a collection of clothes for future children. Styles that were typical of both of us, gotten not that long before the bomb drop.
It hit home hard then.

I had completely forgotten that "evidence" was still on the phone. I deleted all of it as I just don't want it. I don't need it.

I know this is far beyond saving now. I'm just clearing out the last of my things before I move country. So I will mail off the second part of the divorce paperwork off this weekend.

I hate to sound like a victim, it was never me. I've just seen so many people I loved turn on me. Her family, our friends that took sides. Some friends of mine that I have known 10-20 years have tried to sleep with her.
I've seen some of my family and friends interfere and push her further away when I didn't ask them to either.

It's been rough! But sometimes you just got to know when to fold.
When someone can calmly look you in the eyes during a pleasant conversation and tell you such revisions of history that make your mouth drop open.
The contradictions every time she's asked a question.

Aside from my outbursts earlier this week, none of the negatives that she left behind in our marriage remain.
We don't even have a stake in that shared house anymore.

Thing is, she refuses to come to my home, or even spend any sort of time with me to see the changes made.
Unless we had businesd to discuss regarding the house, it was nigh on impossible to arrange us meeting.
But when she did, she would stay for 2-3 hours each time talking about anything but business.
It would seem like she hadn't talked to anyone in months and she would enjoy herself. Tell me she missed me even.
The next time we spoke on the phone.... Ice Queen with selective memory.

She viewed me with no respect at all. That is the key problem here.

All I can do now, is move away and hope that the last time she saw me meant something.
The fact that she was a little lost for words, open mouthed and slow to reply, I am hoping is due to me never looking as good LOL

[RedHawk98]

More to your point, the messages going onto FB were a genuine accident. I have kept this a secret to all who know us. Not even my own family know anything about this.

I love her to much to shame her.
I just saved off evidence because at the time, her friend that had encouraged her to do this was who I really wanted to expose.
She was always very jealous of our marriage and days before the real bomb drop came, she was very keen to tell me a lot of things my wife had told her. Then she tried coming onto me.
A real nasty piece of work. That unfortunately, although I have tried to tell my wife about, but she will defend her to the end.