I didn't talk to my daughter guys, didn't think it was a good idea after the cat died and it was late. I'm not going to go into ANY details about anything with my 14 year old daughter! First, I didn't file, my W did. I didn't leave, her mother is. There is no need to place blame on her. By the way, my D is 14, not 4. She knows what is going on a lot more than you guys seem to think. She DOES need to know her mother is getting ready to sign a lease (yes, I know this it's not mind reading) and wants to split custody. It's going to happen. Would it be better to just wait until her mom starts packing and telling her then? Besides, my D is going to have to make a choice about where she wants to live. After talking to the L, the way my W stated she wanted to do it (7 days, 7 days) isn't going to work as my W is moving too far away. If we lived in same school district at least, that might have worked, not more than 20 miles away. She needs to know what is coming and what is coming is her parents are going to no longer live together or be married and she will have to decide where she wants to live most of the time. I am not going to lie to her and say things that aren't true, good or bad about her mom. If her mother hadn't been so wanting to hide everything from her she probably would have a better handle on what was coming but that was her choice. I happen to think she is entitled to know that her life is going to change in a big way and have time to prepare for that change, not wait until it's here and say "So, where do you want to live and you have to decide today".
Ignoring her depression at home? She WASN'T earning a good living for any of that time! It was all any of us could think about because she was always either too tired to move OR screaming and at times hitting the girls. (I had to pull her away several times when she lost her temper with my oldest). I SHOULD have ignored her depression instead of trying so hard to help her out of it. Trying different AD drugs (I would go to dr with her when the drugs she was taking weren't working), constantly trying to read the latest on how to best treat loved ones with depression. I have stood by her through so much of her "psychological scars" and the damage it did to not just her but my kids as well. Until you live with a depressed person who talks about not wanting to live. Until you have to wake up every day wondering if she will function you have no idea what it's like. You are so far off base here it's unbelieveable!
Sorry but when after she DIDN'T work for 15 years, had been back at work for less than 4 years, we talk and come to the decision that she wants me to go do the start up KNOWING I will NEED her income for it to work and 3 months later tells me she wants a D, my "compassion" is waning a bit! She has only worked for about 4 years. Only since I started at this new business has my income been less than hers. I don't have compassion when without warning or even telling me, she stops putting money in the joint acct. and I still keep paying the bills and then tells me too bad, that was your $200 in fees, I'm not contributing at all. By the way SHE refused to say she needed help anymore for depression. I TRIED to help her. I didn't NEED her "good income" thanks as I had kept my family going for 15 years without it!
How dare you even say I ignored her depression? And it took me until now, after all the crap she has said and done to get to the point where I felt that my needing her income is what's holding me back from just saying "GO if that's what you want!" A selfish user? I asked her if she was willing to forgo a bigger income, if it was alright with her if we lived for the first time in 15 years off our savings (10-1 put there by me over the years) and only her income for THE FIRST TIME IN 15 YEARS, 25! The idea is over time this company can make US a lot more money than 6 figures a year and that it would be worth the sacrifice.
Yes I have a reflection on this, YOU ARE WAY OFF BASE! All about my crazy W? It was not a gesture of kindness, my anger is not blurring my vision. I told you what I was doing to help my D and myself, I wasn't angry I just don't give a damn any more and you making assumptions like I IGNORED her depression because of her income is so off the mark!
Constant blame game? You have no earthly idea what you are saying. You have no idea what the last 7 years have been like let alone the last year. Nothing I said is untrue, why is it so hard for you to think that a man can actually be a good father and husband? That someone who has "psychological scars" actually acted and is acting exactly as I have described. In fact since before we were married (20 years ago) I had to deal with some issues that came from her scars. She has trust issues, she had the issues with her dad forever but until recently they were that he doesn't care, now he can do no wrong. I have been there for her through times most people would have turned and ran. Before we were married she would just start acting crazy. Wanting to argue for no reason, start freaking out over nothing. I realized she was doing this because she wanted to make sure she could trust me, See how I would react, with love and compassion or with anger back at her. I reacted with love and compassion.This is why I was the first person she ever was with that she didn't end things when they started to get to the point where the other person wanted a commitment.
On to how she acted with my D.. even my D was taken aback by how she was acting. Not normal OK. I have told her she needs to talk to her and let her know what is coming. That she really needs to hear from both of us and my W refuses to actually do it.
Look, I understand that you think I must have done a lot more than I have talked about here to get my M to where it is but I am being totally honest with you. My W had stopped taking AD's about a year after going back to work. 6 months after B-day she starts freaking out and saying she is having a Nervous breakdown and ends up going to dr. He puts her back on AD's and says HE told her that she only needs them because she is in a "bad marriage" and that soon as she moves out and gets a place of her own, he can take her off of them! How do you deal with that?
Do you think I should be nice to her after all she has done the last year? Do you think it would be better if I said how much I love and how much compassion I have for the woman who makes promise after promise and does the opposite and then claims she didn't "lie" she just "changed her mind". The person who can't say how but "knows' I'm to blame for her being unhappy because she's tried everything else and none of that worked so.....
I really don't think you know how off the mark the Ignore her depression because of her income is! If my marriage was a business contract and the other person promised what she did and then "changed her mind" but can't give a reason, they would be committing fraud. I had so much compassion it blinded me to who she was becoming. I trusted her and she let me down after years and years of me NOT letting HER down. You have no idea what I have done to help her. What I gave up for ME so she could have what she wanted! If anything she got too much attention. It was too much about her! I have made ZERO historical revisions! Nor was I perfect. Think what you want but that is a fact.
I know you are trying to help and use assumptions based on what you have seen in the past from your sitch or others. Just think about the examples I given. How many people do you know who have had just the things with my FIL happen in their M? Not to mention all the crazy stuff that my W has said and done with the girls.
I actually WASN'T angry last night. I actually looked at her and felt for the first time, nothing. No anger, no love, no hate, just felt like I don't know this person and I just don't care. Much better than the pain I have been feeling. If that's not "detaching" nothing is and it was real. I really didn't care for the first time if she walked out the door and didn't come back. Not because of anger but just because I don't know who she is anymore. I thought maybe if she goes she can figure out who she is again and maybe my REAL W can reappear.But the person I saw in front of me...they can go and never return!
