I kind of feel I owe it to all of you to post as a 52 year old perimenopausal woman (it's not officially menopause until you've not had a cycle for 12 full months). I'm halfway there.
I happen to be like your W... I've enjoyed sex all my life, and it's been important to me. But I have to tell you that going through this hormonal stuff is much harder coming out than it was going in at 11, though there are lots of similarities.
Grey, you won't understand this for a long while. You're young and you just can't know what it's like to hit the big red flag until you actually arrive there yourself.
I have to tell you, I've been a spry, energetic and mostly happy person all my life (with periodic life episodes that dog me, but I bounce back). When I turned 50, I was depressed, maudlin and terribly confused. It truly was like a light switch for me. All of a sudden I realized that I could be a member of AARP, and that there were things I desperately wanted to do differently for the rest of my life. I understood that there was more in my rear view mirror than my windshield. And it was horribly, horribly difficult for me... and beyond terrible for my friends and family. The older ones understood (especially my XH, who is a year older than I am), but nobody else did. Even my sister questioned me. UNTIL she turned 50 in March herself. And she's now going through a funk that her H and I support and understand.
I feel like an alien. I'm unsure. I know people think I'm attractive and fun, but I don't feel that way. My skin has changed. I can't seem to sleep off the dark circles under my eyes, and my fertility is halfway out the door (that's good for other purposes), but it has significantly affected me in ways I never dreamed possible. I have night sweats and wake up at 2 am and often don't return to restful sleep. It affects my ability to make good decisions, and lack of sleep has all sorts of other biological consequences.
If you would take this time to learn about it and work with her, it might do wonders in how you're perceived. Good luck- Betsey
My W (look at me, I'm officially using abbreviations now) hasn't seemed to have had those problems, at least not just about turning 50?
And if she has, I don't know how to bring it up? She doesn't seem any less energetic or fun, body-conscious, depressed, etc. She doesn't have night sweats, and sleeps more, not less, etc.
We've talked about marriage counseling but she hasn't set that up (she wants to do it herself, plus her insurance covers counseling and mine doesn't).
She may have just turned 50, but for her whole life she only had about 3-4 periods a year, and that stopped about 6 years ago altogether when she had cancer. No periods since, for example. She's had relationships since.
So I don't think it's just from menopause or turning 50, but that's not to say it can't be something hormonal regardless.
In fact, I think that's probably the most-likely scenario. The tricky part is how do I get her to talk to me about it?
For example, she's going to her regular doctor next week. How can I (or even should I?) talk to her about asking her doctor about her libido or changes in sexual desire? This may sound crazy, but in all sincerity from what she's said I think she WANTS to want to have sex, she just doesn't know why she doesn't want to. For the record, I've also tried what Michele says about some people needing physical arousal before becoming physically aroused; I don't mean to get too graphic, but about a month ago she was letting me touch her and she liked it, she wanted me to, she just couldn't get wet at all. I didn't force it, I didn't get mad, and we didn't have sex, but I can't imagine how much that bothered her (if at all, for that matter).
I think if she told me she would ask her doctor about her libido today I would be motivated to not feel hurt or rejected in the meantime, but I'm frankly not sure if I should ask or if it will distance her more.
Let me know what you think, and thanks again Betsey.
