This will be fairly quick since I have quite a bit of stuff to do before Mr. Wonderful brings the girls home.
I just had my chat with Laurie (DB coach) and was able to get things into a more clear perspective. Yes, Pattie, the ocean current seems to be changing--and we were able to come up with a hypothesis on why.
Obviously, there has been quite a bit happening in the Barker-Wonderful household since Christmas: his moving to a bigger apartment, working through the chaos that surrounded that decision and picking up the pieces that were left scattered around as a result.
We have to give Bob some credit. As Laurie said, Bob is just another way in ACTING AS IF. We discussed how people think this is manipulative, but we both agree that it is NOT. Why not?
Moods do not define our personalities. After all, Mr. Wonderful probably doesn't want people to explain his depressed behavior by saying, "Well, that's just the way he is." It may be true right now, but that doesn't define who he really is on the inside.
The reality of Bob in my house is this. In the past, I've come home from work to greet 3 moderately sedate people. D6 is usually always happy (the REAL Bob would be pleased to adopt her as a grandchild) but my other 2 family members seem to take their cues on moods from me.
For instance, 2 years ago, I might have walked through the garage door, slammed my stuff on the counter and announced to them that I had a supremely crappy day. My frown and disenchantment brought THEM down and then we all spiraled in a bad mood. I would later find out--after asking them why they were so grumpy--that they weren't grumpy until I got home.
Now I come home with unfailing cheer. It works the opposite in how it used to work. And if you want to consider this manipulative, go right ahead. The fact is that what we did before didn't work and it didn't help. What we're doing now DOES.
Laurie and I both sense something going on with Mr. Wonderful too, but since I'm VERY cautious on what this really means, we don't want to read into this. But here's food for thought for anyone who wants to know.
It is making itself clear that my not reacting to his news about the move, my patience with him and my willingness to just give up has given him some sense of direction.
The fact is that I went to Detroit with the notion that things were just about over and I was throwing in the towel. I believe that Mr. W. knew that. WHY?
Because 2 years ago, I was hell bent on walking out. In the summer, I had told him that I would no longer live in a loveless marriage and would probably decide to separate.
I told him I wanted a trip by myself to just think about things and be with myself (and I mean with, not by). I headed to Seattle, because it was a place I had always wanted to visit but had never been.
I came back to a very angry family. They were resentful and sullen. And walking on eggshells. My girls were doing it because they were following their dad. The following day, he called me at work and said, "So what's the big decision?"
I had the chance to clear my head and I said, "Leaving is not the answer. I'm not happy, but I had a chance to see that I love you and want to figure out how to make things work." He didn't answer but I heard him sigh.
It was only a few months before HE walked.
So anyone can tell me otherwise, but I had planted the seed on leaving. He just borrowed one, planted it, and watched it grow.
I'm pretty sure that Mr. Wonderful made the leap from my trip to Seattle with my trip to Detroit to being a turning point for me--both places I had never visited and both having the feeling of a "come to Jesus" decision.
Frankly, I think he's scared that I've given up.
That's my story now and I'm sticking to it!
I got off the phone with Laurie with a few new goals. One of them is to do more experimenting with Bob, because he is really working in my house. If for no other reason than pure entertainment for me. I didn't start that with the goal of getting it back--it was fun to watch my kids squeal and hug me and my H to retreat.
The funny thing is that it turned out to be an Alexander Graham Bell & Watson sort of thing with Meredith. What started out as something fun to do ended up being a valuable teaching tool--by pure accident.
And the DB philosophy has always been "try something different". In our cases, Bob IS different. And he's getting favorable results.
So, Laurie, I'm glad to pay tribute to your fellow South Dakotan. Bob rules!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
