hope456 - he filed, what now?

[25yearsmlc]

I'm constantly amazed and humbled by the support so freely given on this forum. To everyone who responded, thank you so much. Every post I saw today picked me up a little more.

It really is amazing. I feel very blessed, even divinely so, by having found this site when I did.


Lost - You mentioned that I wouldn't think a friend was weak if this were her story. You're right. I wouldn't. I would want to help ease her pain, but I wouldn't think her weak at all.

labug - Your post about judging myself harshly really resonated with me today. As I was driving to work, my thoughts were centered on not feeling like I was good enough. In general, I'm a very confident person. Yet, I have a very insecure side. If I'm engaging in armchair psychology, I'd probably conclude that the struggle with feeling like I'm good enough comes from my childhood. I wasn't good enough for my parents to stay together. I wasn't good enough for my mother to choose me over her man-of-the-moment. Now, I struggle with feeling like I wasn't a good enough wife; if I were, my H would be willing to try to fix things.

Been there, done that^^... The frightening question we are implicitly asking ourselves was,
"If I'm so great, why is the person who knows me best, leaving me?"

And the answer is usually not a satisfactory or useful one. Your h might be leaving you b/c of unresolved issues HE has, or b/c HIS perceptions are skewed, or b/c there's a wacky imbalance of chemistry in HIS brain.

B/C if the answer were really all about how you are, secretly, a monster, we'd know b/c you are incredibly self aware and insightful. You've been engaged in some BRAVE inner work. Whatever your flaws, HIS choices really are HIS, and you have to get out of his sandbox to let him work it out. Besides, you have your own sandbox to take care of, right?

Also, consider the next statement b/c it's MY perception, it's how something struck me.

It's that the times you say you are sad to "see him struggling" sound less like compassion for him, and more like an extreme form of enabling.

I guess It's just that to me, it's odd to pity someone for their confusion WHILE they are divorcing you. I get why your DB coach says to build from the friendship, but I'm interested in how she feels about those types of reactions in you, and how much your h is pretending that "everything is the same...except..."
and how much it helps him when you continue to "validate". My DB coach said to "listen like a lover" But she excluded the topic of Divorce and his new groovy single life, from that category. I wonder if your coach might react differently about the friendship, at those times.

Still, your insights in general, are really SO impressive. The real journey in life is an inward one and you're clearly doing it.

I struggle with feeling like I'm not a good enough mother; if I were, I would be able to provide her the family life she deserves. These are things that I've worked on in IC, but, clearly, I haven't resolved them.

Were you working on these issues before the BD? IF so, how do you feel about the IC you have? There is a workshop you might consider. It's called "Essential Experience", in Philadelphia. ITs a personal growth workshop for individuals, not couples (though couples do attend. And when you get the tools to make yourself happier, it spills over into your M, and other r's in your life.)

I highly recommend it. I'd say it's life changing. Several DBers have gone too, (Autumn Leaves, PowerOfNow, LuckyLuke, and more) and they very much endorse it. It's there that you''ll get tools for creating your new fulfilling life, and identify areas where you might be sabotaging your life, and how to engage in NEW behaviors...it's the most profound thing I've attended.

Considering how many of these^ types of things I've attended, it's a lot for me to say. Retrovaille is also very good, but it's only for couples. I can't say your h will ever go. You don't control that....but with Essential Experience (aka "EE") you could work on your life without your h there.


I would never want my D7 to feel the way that I do. Intellectually, I know that my parents D and my mother's choices were not my fault. Truly, I know that. Still, these feelings crop up.

Well, where the head goes, the heart will follow. Make a daily effort to free yourself of this^^ baggage. IT's not helping you and it might be part of why you enable your h so much, while calling it compassion.
It just seems more like "must do whatever it takes to keep him from leaving", and that's fear based. The belief that you can keep THIS H, might be a result of your childhood more than you realize.

KGirl - Thank you for the book recommendation. My reading list keeps getting longer! I remember you posting something very similar recently about feeling like others were further ahead than you were. When I read the post on your thread, I thought What's she talking about? She's doing great! Like you've heard from others, my sister and my friends have all made comments about how much strength I have and how they would never be able to handle things the same way. Sometimes, I guess it is easier to see from the outside looking in.

JennD - Thank you for the reminder that we can't compare situations. I love your list idea. Though you probably can't tell it from most of my posts, I'm very logically/rationally minded. I write things down and make a plan and I think this exercise could be really beneficial. Except for the part where you feel responsible for your hs' choices, you come across as very rational & very honest to me.

Thornton - Thank you for your kind words. It's nice to hear a reminder. I know and have said (unfortunately to my H, once) that if my H never chooses to R, this really is his loss.

When you really believe this^^^, it will radiate more. I'd probably never discuss a recon with him later.. When he says it, I'd be very vague. It's not that you'd have to punish him, or scare him or teach him a lesson, b/c that never was your job. But he's learned so little, and had relatively little change in HIS r with you, and I cannot help but note that his r with his mom was one in which she sounds like the giver/enabler, and he has was taken care by her, and then by you.

Also, just an FYI. My oldest brother (I have 5) was a WAH. I loved my sil, and was so angry at my brother. I also believed he was losing a lot more than she was, but to see her so heartbroken and know HE had been a mediocre h to begin with but HE was leaving HER...I tried reasoning with him,to no avail.

I bluntly told him he was a fool, but then he did not want to talk about his situation again. Today, 17 years later, she's been re-married to her "new" h for about 14 of those years. She's much better suited to her 2nd h than she was with my brother. I can honestly say he did her a favor by leaving, but it still hurt to see. and They had one daughter. Remarkably, she's a wonderful young woman who is in a loving r with her bf. My brother remarried and chose a VERY low maintenance woman (who has almost no expectations of him, so in a way he chose well). He also has a second child, another d. So his two d's are 20 years apart but d1 is wonderful with her little sister.

That niece (the now 22 y/o) said to someone who overheard, "I love my dad but who would ever marry him?" I am ashamed to admit that I was glad to hear that...I just needed to know that my niece "got it" and she did. And without her mom, my former sil, ever saying a bad thing about my brother.

Anyhow, I digress...
Your mil is in a terrible position. I have a son in his 20s, and if were to leave his wife without a damn good reason, I'd be so disappointed. Even as much as I love him, it would deeply hurt me to see him do that to a woman who loves him.

I'm SO glad you reached out to your mil.


And, per labug's guidance, some small goals for today...

1. Call my MIL.

I called and talked to my MIL this afternoon. She cried. I cried. She reminded me that I'll always be her daughter, no matter what happens with H. She asked me if H was in IC. I told her that was his story to tell and I didn't feel comfortable divulging his personal business. She respected that. She said that she was shocked. H just called her out of the blue a couple of weeks ago and said he was filing for D. He didn't tell her why or tell her that we were separated. She said that she thought we were doing great. She also said she wants to fly out here and kick his a$$.

asked her not to be angry with him and that I could tell he was struggling a lot and so I was trying to have as much patience and compassion as possible. She asked about D7 and I told her that I was taking her to a counselor next week. She also told me that she really missed having me at her brother's funeral a couple of months ago. I apologized for not being there and told her that H asked me not to go. I told her that I wouldn't let that happen again and that I be there for her regardless of what he had to say about it. She told me that she had previously planned to fly out in a few months to visit. I told her she was welcome anytime. She said, Could I still stay with you?. I assured her that she could.

It was a very emotional conversation and I'm in tears again now as I think about it. I'm so glad I reached out to her. Labug - thank you. I'm not sure I would have without your suggestion.

None of the advice here is useful if we choose to ignore it. You were wise to take her advice.

2. Look up the TED talks 25 has recommended and watch them.

I haven't done this one yet, but will before going to bed tonight.

And goals for tomorrow:

1. Write down my list of observations and concerns about D7. I have a preliminary appointment with her therapist first thing Thursday morning and I want to be organized and thorough.

2. Start reading the book I have on help children cope with divorce. Obviously, I still have issues from my own parents' D that still creep up on me and I don't want D7 to face those same issues if I can help it.

3. Sign up for a fitness class of some sort. I have several possibilities to choose from. I need to check the class schedules and see what works best.

I'm not sure if these were the types of goals you were thinking of, labug. I just feel more productive having come up with some.

It's a great list! Soon I hope you'll add something fun to it. Something that gives You some joy.

Tomorrow is D7's end-of-year awards ceremony and party at school, so I'll be there for part of the day. She's always super happy to see me at school events

Keep on keeping on...no matter what your h does, KNOW you'll be alright.

And there will be love in your life again. When are you going to add a bit of mystery to your life? I think the sooner the better. As for how and why the 15% OF divorced couples remarry their exes, all I can say is 2 of my family members did it.

They did NOT intend to reconcile at the time of their D however, (not that I know of and not that it showed). Reconciling later on, was never mentioned). I can't help but think your h has such an obvious back up plan that he will never fear losing that, and thus, won't ever feel the need to come home...I mean, based on how it has worked so far (keeping you plugged in and NOT detached), I think he believes he can always return later.

Why bother doing it until if and when he "has to"? And that would most likely occur, if ever, when he fears losing you.

Make sense?