In my sitch (and all are different) I learned – through Betsey’s fabulous cell phone pep talk - when there are true emotions that they HAVE to see, Bob needs to stay in a closet.
In general, when I greet Sting I try to let Bob do it. If I start out all excited-like it turns us both into a better mood and leaves us feeling a little less drained by the conversation. It also expresses good vibes right from the start. Think of how CBH felt when her husband would say ‘yeah’ when he answered the phone…not good.
A good reason to use the Bob voice is to get their attention. The first few times they are stunned…and after that they seem to mimic. Everyone gets caught up in the game show attitude and once they give you their attention they begin to see some changes.
I have never found Bob detrimental to my sitch, but I could see how he might be able to. If there is something serious to be discussed, it would be almost an insult to do it with Bob. Keep in mind, the DB personality has to remain present, but Bob needs to make himself scarce. My WAH needs to see and experience true emotion, just not crazymaking emotion, in order to be less afraid of those emotions.
I’ve only tried this on one occasion, but Tuesday when Sting cancelled the plans that he had made all on his own Betsey suggested leaving Bob in the closet. I thought about this and realized she was right. If I came out with “HI Sting! How are you? Listen, I have this really huge problem with you…”, and said it all in a Bob voice, the message wouldn’t hit home. How do you explain to someone that you are disappointed when you sound like you just won the lottery? What would entice him to treat me differently the next time around?
Ask yourself the ultimate DB question. Will this bring me closer to my goal? If being upbeat and happy will continue the conversation, keep your H’s attention, and make him laugh – go for BOB! But, if he needs validation or you need to have a serious discussion – ask Bob to stay away for the time being.
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
Mer- That answered my question and clarified things perfectly for me. I wondered where the hard stuff was supposed to go with Bob - you can't build a marriage on always gritting your teeth andsmiling, right? Cuz I can see myself drifting into the WAS camp after a few years of pretending I was completely. I guess it's really a question of priorities - which things are important enough to stand up for yourself, and what sitch's is it okay to let things slide and be tolerant. I don't think there is any one answer to that question. Like you said, Mere, I think it depends on the sitch. Thanks for the clarification, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Mer- That answered my question and clarified things perfectly for me. I wondered where the hard stuff was supposed to go with Bob - you can't build a marriage on always gritting your teeth andsmiling, right? Cuz I can see myself drifting into the WAS camp after a few years of pretending I was completely. I guess it's really a question of priorities - which things are important enough to stand up for yourself, and what sitch's is it okay to let things slide and be tolerant. I don't think there is any one answer to that question. Like you said, Mer, I think it depends on the sitch. Thanks for the clarification, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Ok, when the heck did Bob start blushing? He NEVER blushes! I even asked my Price is Right loving dear friend, and he can't recall a time when Bob ever expressed an emotion other than true happiness!
Myrrh and anyone else who has a need to know--I think Meredith explained the circumstances when Bob should appear and disappear perfectly.
I know everyone here thinks that we're walking around with an infectious and unrealistically optimistic aura, but the truth is not even close (at least for me).
I usually have a couple phone convos with Mr. Wonderful every day--nearly all of them are conducted in a normal tone of voice and with some sense of... well... boring.
We talk as if we are friends (and we really are). We also conduct ourselves as friends who parent the same children.
Example:
When I had to call him to talk about getting a call from D6's school (she has another earache), I was sort of running my mouth like a chicken with its head cut off. He was very smart and didn't act like the old Mr. W, who would have snapped at me and said, "Betsey, what do you want me to do? Pick her up? Fine."
He sat there patiently and I said, "Let me think things through for a minute and then I'll call you back." He merely said, "Okay. Page me when you're ready."
I phoned him 5 minutes later and told him that I would pick her up early to take her to the doctor. He said, "Oh, really? That's too bad. Isn't today the day of the big VD party after school?"
I said, "Yep. Too bad, because they were really looking forward to having her there. But I don't know how to get in touch with the mom to let her know."
He WAS thinking clearly and answered, "Bets, you gave it to me, remember? You gave me directions to their house with phone numbers. I'll call the mom to tell her the news if you call the school to let them know D6 needs an early dismissal."
Mr. Former PA Man took charge, gave me a game plan and didn't act at all irritated with my confusion... he knows that I have a hair appt later this afternoon and then a surprise birthday party to attend (with plenty of attractive and healthy men as well--who are NOT gay!).
He was actually concerned that I would be cutting things too close. I just told him I would deal with it as time progressed.
I was very impressed with his calm demeanor and lack of reaction while I chased my tail for a few minutes. The old him would have behaved differently.
And we did this all with Bob on hiatus. We don't really know where he went, do we? I'm pretty sure he's visiting Triple J now, because I don't need his assistance right now!
Time to get hopping and out of here.
CFN to all my ocean friends.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Trish--I'm glad to see you back posting. We've missed you around here.
Ocean journaling:
Just doing a quick login after the party tonight (a good time was had by all).
I nearly munched on my fish friend earlier this afternoon, but elected to hang up the cell phone instead.
Got a call in the pediatrician's office from the sitter, telling me that D9 had not come home from school yet (it was a half hour after she was supposed to be home). I called the flaky dentist neighbor and no answer. The doc was a couple minutes from coming into the room, so I called Mr. W. to resolve.
I explained that D9 had not come home, the sitter was worried and wondered if he could do a search mission via phone for her. I heard him stammer and say, "Uh, Bets, she called me at work to see if she could go with neighbor to PetSmart--and I said yes."
I was EXTREMELY annoyed for a couple reasons. 1) We have a sitter there who was worried about her; 2) I could have canceled the sitter yesterday without losing a few extra hours to our contract; 3) I was pissed that D9 didn't think to call her (the sitter) to tell her about the change in plans.
Instead of yelling at him, I shut my trap. He offered to call the sitter and apologize, so I let it go.
After picking up the Rx, I headed home. My flaky neighbor dropped D9 off and left! She was sitting outside waiting for me. WTF? Not happy about having my 9 year old alone...
I was in the house trying to get directions to the party tonight when Mr. Wonderful came in--with Bob. (Triple J, did you send him on the Concorde?)
He was radiating happiness and concern and told me he included an extra $50 on my check to put into savings. What? Who allowed an alien to do this sort of thing? I'm sure there will be a lecture from the head alien tomorrow.
I was actually in a hurry and not exactly thrilled to see Bob, so I thanked him for the check and the extra money and told him I needed to get changed for the evening.
He called me from cell a couple minutes later--again, with Bob. WTF?
Just wanted to say goodbye again and ask me what time to have the girls home tomorrow. I was just a little stunned. I said "How about 3? Is that okay? That will give me some time to run errands and get ready to go out."
He said, laughing, "You bet."
This is it. I'm clueless--and glad that I have an appt with Laurie tomorrow to get some feedback.
Meredith, can I send Bob your way again?
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
This will be fairly quick since I have quite a bit of stuff to do before Mr. Wonderful brings the girls home.
I just had my chat with Laurie (DB coach) and was able to get things into a more clear perspective. Yes, Pattie, the ocean current seems to be changing--and we were able to come up with a hypothesis on why.
Obviously, there has been quite a bit happening in the Barker-Wonderful household since Christmas: his moving to a bigger apartment, working through the chaos that surrounded that decision and picking up the pieces that were left scattered around as a result.
We have to give Bob some credit. As Laurie said, Bob is just another way in ACTING AS IF. We discussed how people think this is manipulative, but we both agree that it is NOT. Why not?
Moods do not define our personalities. After all, Mr. Wonderful probably doesn't want people to explain his depressed behavior by saying, "Well, that's just the way he is." It may be true right now, but that doesn't define who he really is on the inside.
The reality of Bob in my house is this. In the past, I've come home from work to greet 3 moderately sedate people. D6 is usually always happy (the REAL Bob would be pleased to adopt her as a grandchild) but my other 2 family members seem to take their cues on moods from me.
For instance, 2 years ago, I might have walked through the garage door, slammed my stuff on the counter and announced to them that I had a supremely crappy day. My frown and disenchantment brought THEM down and then we all spiraled in a bad mood. I would later find out--after asking them why they were so grumpy--that they weren't grumpy until I got home.
Now I come home with unfailing cheer. It works the opposite in how it used to work. And if you want to consider this manipulative, go right ahead. The fact is that what we did before didn't work and it didn't help. What we're doing now DOES.
Laurie and I both sense something going on with Mr. Wonderful too, but since I'm VERY cautious on what this really means, we don't want to read into this. But here's food for thought for anyone who wants to know.
It is making itself clear that my not reacting to his news about the move, my patience with him and my willingness to just give up has given him some sense of direction.
The fact is that I went to Detroit with the notion that things were just about over and I was throwing in the towel. I believe that Mr. W. knew that. WHY?
Because 2 years ago, I was hell bent on walking out. In the summer, I had told him that I would no longer live in a loveless marriage and would probably decide to separate.
I told him I wanted a trip by myself to just think about things and be with myself (and I mean with, not by). I headed to Seattle, because it was a place I had always wanted to visit but had never been.
I came back to a very angry family. They were resentful and sullen. And walking on eggshells. My girls were doing it because they were following their dad. The following day, he called me at work and said, "So what's the big decision?"
I had the chance to clear my head and I said, "Leaving is not the answer. I'm not happy, but I had a chance to see that I love you and want to figure out how to make things work." He didn't answer but I heard him sigh.
It was only a few months before HE walked.
So anyone can tell me otherwise, but I had planted the seed on leaving. He just borrowed one, planted it, and watched it grow.
I'm pretty sure that Mr. Wonderful made the leap from my trip to Seattle with my trip to Detroit to being a turning point for me--both places I had never visited and both having the feeling of a "come to Jesus" decision.
Frankly, I think he's scared that I've given up.
That's my story now and I'm sticking to it!
I got off the phone with Laurie with a few new goals. One of them is to do more experimenting with Bob, because he is really working in my house. If for no other reason than pure entertainment for me. I didn't start that with the goal of getting it back--it was fun to watch my kids squeal and hug me and my H to retreat.
The funny thing is that it turned out to be an Alexander Graham Bell & Watson sort of thing with Meredith. What started out as something fun to do ended up being a valuable teaching tool--by pure accident.
And the DB philosophy has always been "try something different". In our cases, Bob IS different. And he's getting favorable results.
So, Laurie, I'm glad to pay tribute to your fellow South Dakotan. Bob rules!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Betsey, I'm so happy you reported about your session. I had one last summer and have been thinking of arranging another. Since Monday night is son's b-day and H is suppose to be there, I think I need to invite Bob to come along.
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
