It's a better day

[adinva]

Things are slow around here, and I'm dragging, trying to pull myself up out of the slump, using all the various tools I've learned to use. I've got exercise, fun plans, lists broken out into steps, medication, supportive friends, etc etc so I'll get there but right now I'm not there.

I feel most of the time like I've been on my own for years and am completely over the hurt of my marriage ending. H is pleasant and even kind of helpful, inquires now and then about how my job search is going, paid for roof repairs, offered to post some for-sale listings for me at his office. But we're not really connected in any meaningful way, and I don't really care to be. I'm not looking for anything from him other than what he's financially obligated to do and hopefully some attention to our kids.

But when he came over last night for 15 minutes, I ate a half a pizza after he left, that I didn't really want and certainly didn't need. Comfort food, emotional eating.

I didn't really feel like being engaging, I was lying in the hammock so he came out and sat on the porch. Opened mail, mentioned another $50 bill from the concussion clinic followed by what seemed an expectation of an answer, but all I could come up with was "oh". Asked about our new fridge and took a look at it. Mentioned selling stuff from a bulletin board at his office. Then we were silent for a while. Then he went to see if the kids were home; one was out and the other had gone to sleep early. So he left.

Half of me feels I could perform better for some reason, like keeping the way home paved or being a good coparent, or just plain being an interesting engaging personality. And the other half of me sees no point and is not motivated to do that. If H won't or can't bring a personality to me, I don't feel much interest in bringing one to him. So much for "act as if."

It is artificial now to use DB phrases for what we're doing. We're just an old separated couple waiting for someone to get motivated to process the paperwork. It's on my list but I've been busy/overwhelmed/avoidant.

So... today I'm spoiling myself a little with a good intense hike. I'm spending 1 hour on my outgoing client's financials, and I'm spending 1 hour on looking for a new job and/or trying to close the deal on the one lead I have right now. Adding in laundry for the giant load of outgrown clothes I can sell at the resale shop. I got out of bed this morning so that's a step in the right direction. I think having some certainty about my income, which is ending this month without anything new coming yet, will have a very positive impact on my mood. The ironic thing is that having a better mood would probably help with getting a job too. Chicken meet egg.

Hope you all are having a better time than me today. And I'm going to go look for blessings to count.