So when she says that she will stay with me for the sake of it shes lieing? Just so I dont get hurt? I guess that makes sense
She opened up today and said you dont understand and have not experienced what it was like when you were out every night.. she also said that how can someone change in the course of two months.. I dont believe she accepted that ive changed.
How do I hold back from being jelous? When shes out why do I feel the need to find out her whereabouts when shes already told me.. how do you guys stop this? Why the f is it so hard to do? Even with clothing.. and I also asked her today what can I do to make it easier for her.. and she replied finding someone else.. but the other day she thought I was looking at 2 girls that passed us and she got worked up about it.
So when she says that she will stay with me for the sake of it shes lieing? Just so I dont get hurt? I guess that makes sense
She's not lying, she's confused. She will ebb and flow between staying and leaving and her language will reflect that. She's not trying to protect your feelings because she's not interested in your feelings right now. When she speaks, let her do the talking, listen to what she says, validate important feelings she has and go away back to your own life.
Originally Posted By: 1Wish
She opened up today and said you dont understand and have not experienced what it was like when you were out every night.. she also said that how can someone change in the course of two months.. I dont believe she accepted that ive changed.
The bolded statements are feelings. They are important. They are also true. What she is saying is that your actions hurt her and that she doesn't believe your changes are for real. Your challenge is to show (and not tell) her that you understand her feelings and that she can believe that you are someone worth being with. This will require deep thought about your flaws, actions to address these flaws and patience because she isn't going to believe anything you say or do for a long time. In the meantime, you handle your own emotions by getting a life: doing activities you already do, starting new activities, spending more time with friends and making new friends, etc.
Originally Posted By: 1Wish
How do I hold back from being jelous? When shes out why do I feel the need to find out her whereabouts when shes already told me.. how do you guys stop this? Why the f is it so hard to do? Even with clothing.. and I also asked her today what can I do to make it easier for her.. and she replied finding someone else.. but the other day she thought I was looking at 2 girls that passed us and she got worked up about it.
Why say that then..
It's bloody hard, I'm not going to lie. It took me a long time to get used to my wife leaving the house without saying a word to me, not knowing where she was going and who she was with. Even now, I feel uncomfortable when my wife doesn't come home for the night. You need to wrap your head around the idea that she is living her own life and she is not interested in including you in it right now. At the same time, she holds you to the same standards that she expected from you within the relationship which is why she got worked up about looking at the other girls. Fun, hey?
The sooner you can wrap your head around the fact that you are not a part of her life right now, the sooner you will be able to move forward. Moving forward is not giving up on your relationship. You will wonder what your wife is up to for a long time. I still do. It becomes easier to kill those thoughts over time because you are living your own life. And when she feels you're no longer hanging onto everything she does, she becomes curious.
DB is counterintuitive. The more you read, the more you will understand.
Me: 31, W: 29 T: 4 M: 2 Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3) Separated, still living together: Nov 2013 Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014 W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
The thing is I used to be with my friends a lot before so it feels like if I did that she might think im going back to my old ways.
How can I show that I understand what I put her through? Am I meant to not ask any questions and try not to be affected by anything she says?
Also me and her hold each other at night and I sometimes grab her by the waist and kiss her neck from behind. Should I stop doing all those things? Sometimes when I try kiss her lips she moves away.. when we hug she kisses my neck and also we are still having sex that doesnt make sense to me.
Oh also I said to her yesterday that babe I really hope you decide to stay but its up to you.. she got angry and snarled back saying just stop with all this talk every single minute you keep pressuring me.
1wish, You really have got to get a hold of yourself, you're not acting rationally. I understand the trauma that you are experiencing, but you MUST calm yourself. If you keep acting emotionally, and chasing after your wife this way you will end up pushing her right out the door! You are making yourself LESS attractive to her by pursuing her in this way. Read your own posts- would you get back together with that guy?
This will not be a quick fix. Do you think you'll read a book, or try a tactic posted on the Internet somewhere and suddenly your W will be back in your arms again? Sorry, doesn't work that way. Your wife is no longer "in love" with you. It took a long time for her feelings to go away, it will take a long time to get them back -maybe never if you don't "cock slap" your own darned self into reality.
I'm quite sure that if your wife did come back today that you'd turn right back into the old you in short order. You need this time as much as she does to understand what you did wrong, what you need to do differently and to really understand, in your heart, why your wife is hurting so that you never do it again. You're not there yet.
Omg guys I got some fantastic news!!!!! I spoke to my wifes friend and she told me that my wife is slowly giving it a go.. she said shes trying to make it work.. but she can change her mind any moment... so it all depends on how I play my cards.. and finally my book came the divorce busting book.. I just realised this is the old one goddam it.
@hopefullstill U dont need to apologise.. I like straight up honest people and I like to be put in my place for my own benefit. I will stop the pursuing and all this stuff and I think i really do understand what she went through I was a prcik cunt.. I will never go back to that.. I really hope I dont.
Last edited by 1Wish; 06/02/1401:35 PM. Reason: hopeful still replied back in that time I wrote my post.
The most important thing you have to learn is that DBing is about change. Changing yourself to change the dynamic. And I'm not talking about superficial changes. Changes that she didn't like about you in the first place. Change those behaviors first before anything else.
Make those changes for LIFE and not just to get her back.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
The most important thing you have to learn is that DBing is about change. Changing yourself to change the dynamic. And I'm not talking about superficial changes. Changes that she didn't like about you in the first place. Change those behaviors first before anything else.
Make those changes for LIFE and not just to get her back.
No thats a 100% that I will do.. she still has not told me its on.. so I am still on the change verge.
To be honest this experience is teaching us all something that we would never have done without the wake up call we required. Changes are being made in order to help us be better people and I realise the concept fully.
I am even changing things about myself that she never complained about. I honestly believe I am so different in comparison to myself prior D talks.
Sometimes you have to be strong when you don't have a choice and every hardship in life makes you nothing but stronger.
The pain I went through and I'm sure some of you guys went through even more as I've only been married nearly a year some of you perhaps over decades, is so unbearable but it eases as days go by, I wish divorce never existed and everyone could live happily in harmony with each other. But I guess lifes tough and love is tougher.
I think my marriage might just work from the looks of it but I might be jumping the gun here and usually I do and mess it all up but I hope one day if it does work, find out what was going through her mind during this time and fully understand the emotions and thought process and reveal that to you guys so some people know what they're up against.
I nearly gave up one day but its good not to, its never too late.. I spoke to one of my work colleagues and he told me that he was with his lady, I say lady as they never married, for about 3 yrs and they broke up but they got back together after 19yrs!! Theres always hope and I guess in times like that its not worth the wait.. I guess thats why the changes are important, because they are for yourself. Let them go and if you really meant much to them and there was a part of them that deeply loved you, I believe they will come back, time is just something that ticks but its also a good healer.
I hope we all live to be happy with or without our wife/husband.
Update: so my wife found the divorce busting book and got angry said why am I wasting my money.
If we get a divorce we get a divorce and theres nothing you can do, I feel like I dont even recognise you anymore your becoming too perfect for me. I need someone thats like me and we are nothing alike.
I replied so you've made up your mind and she said I said IF we get a divorce and shes been off with me since last night and this morning.
I told her that I only got it yesterday but now she thinks I been changing cause of the book from the looks of it as she said you read quite a bit for getting it yesterday.
Sorry to find you here but I truly believe you are in the right place. The sooner you start the process the better. If you're getting mixed signals I would err on the side of caution. Don't get lulled into a false sense of security because she acts loving towards you. I think most WAW's still having feelings for their husbands but I would agree with the advice to DETACH right now. That will help insulate you from the ups and downs of her moods and actions. Be patient and most of all good luck.
Me - 44 Her - 35 S - 6 D - 8 Married - 8 Together - 11 Separated - 5/17/2014 Divorce filed - 6/3/2014
So heres a convo me and her had.. please tell me if what I did right and what I said wrong.
4/06 12:36] ☆me☆: Btw If ur annoyed about the book ill stop reading it.. I swear to god I got it like a day ago wen I went mums.. I only read up page 45 I think n at that point the book just explains why people end up getting divorced and the consequences it brings.. theres a large bit of the book that brings out what to do but I havnt got to that point.. and I dont think I should.. I want you to be with me for the person I am and what I do not what a book tells me.. the counsellor I spoke to heard what I had to say for half hr n gave me advice for 15 mins which was basically to look after myself and prepare for divorce as if it works it works if not then im prepared. N I knew this already so I neva done it again just wasted my money. [04/06 12:37] ☆me☆: Im sorry and I understand that if you divorce me theres nothing I can do and I accept that.. I just want to make you happy.. [04/06 12:39] ☆her☆: Its ur book do what u want u bought it would be a waste of money if u dnt read it but thats up to u.. [04/06 12:39] ☆me☆: I got it 2nd hand on ebay for 2.99 [04/06 12:40] ☆her☆: I dnt kno hu u r anymore ☆me☆ i dnt even kno myself nemore.. All i kno is i hate were i am ryt now in life.. [04/06 12:40] ☆her☆: I wish we hadnt rushed into this marriage i wish i could go back [04/06 12:40] ☆me☆: I know bbe [04/06 12:41] ☆me☆: Its up to hun what you wanna do... [04/06 12:41] ☆her☆: Easier sed the dne [04/06 12:44] ☆me☆: If you decide to leave me and go theres nothing I will do to stop you.. if you stay then you would have to accept me trying to make you happy.. and if you do I wish you could work with me to rebuild a new relationship.. I dont want to be in the marriage we had before.. I wana be in a new marriage and a new relationship but with the same person [04/06 12:46] ☆her☆: New marriage new relationship same person is not possible things just dnt work that way... Too much has happened to be forgotten.. U trying and becoming this new person is not hu i fell in love with [04/06 12:46] ☆me☆: I want you to be your own person I wna get to know you all over again but I also know you dont want to be with me no more so I cant force it or anything [04/06 12:48] ☆her☆: Iv changed ☆me☆ im not the same person nemore... Completely changed dnt no if u see it.. I just feel ur better off with someone else someone hu u dnt have to become this whole new person for which isnt you being urself [04/06 12:51] ☆me☆: I know you have hun.. I see it.. and I accept it.. im doing it for myself bbe.. I took a deep thought and really looked back at who I was and felt disgusted.. your just someone thats gonna benefit from it.. [04/06 12:56] ☆me☆: Maybe this is something that god is testing us on.. and we have to get through.. whoever you changed into I want to get to know.. I like how u r now than how u were before. And like I said I accept it and accept you. [04/06 13:00] ☆her☆: But i dnt wana b this person dat i am.. [04/06 13:01] ☆me☆: Who do you want to be? [04/06 13:01] ☆her☆: I dint no just not this [04/06 13:01] ☆me☆: ☆her☆ end of the day when I married you I made a commitment to stick with you through thick and thin.. It doesnt matter who you are bbe.. I will always accept you for you who are [04/06 13:01] ☆her☆: Out of everything i just wana be left alone [04/06 13:02] ☆her☆: I dnt care abt this commitment we made a mistake this marriage is a mistake i dnt ever see myself forgetting everythin thats happened... [04/06 13:03] ☆me☆: I understand hun I rly do.. its up to you bbe.. I cant say or do anything to change your mind thats down on you [04/06 13:05] ☆me☆: I dont want to hurt you bbe I rly dont and I never would.. I rather hurt myself than cause you any harm and if you tell me to go ill go [04/06 13:06] ☆me☆: I care about you a lot bbe [04/06 13:06] ☆her☆: The pain that u caused will never go away its the reason for me being numb i can never forget it... So to me no matter what u do or what sumone else does i will never trust/love anyone again [04/06 13:07] ☆me☆: I understand that and your right the pain will be there.. but you also have to understand it does heal in time.. even though it doesnt seem like it right now [04/06 13:08] ☆me☆: The thing is you just have to let it happen n try [04/06 13:08] ☆me☆: But I know you dont want to do that [04/06 13:08] ☆her☆: Ur ryt i dont [04/06 13:08] ☆me☆: And I understand that but its for your benefit hun n im only trying to help you [04/06 13:09] ☆her☆: U think ur helping me but really ur not ur tryna ease the pain u cant help me not until i dnt help myself [04/06 13:10] ☆me☆: Then help yourself bbe [04/06 13:10] ☆her☆: i cant [04/06 13:10] ☆me☆: You can ☆her☆ you just have to let it happen [04/06 13:10] ☆me☆: Trust me bbe we can get past this I promise you this [04/06 13:10] ☆her☆: Let what happen ☆me☆???????? U dnt get it [04/06 13:11] ☆her☆: I dnt wana be in this nemre [04/06 13:11] ☆me☆: Then you dont have to [04/06 13:11] ☆me☆: Do whats best for you bbe [04/06 13:11] ☆me☆: Obviously whatever I say will sound selfish n sound like im thinking of myswlf by keeping you but I honestly am not [04/06 13:12] ☆me☆: I wnt us to be happy together [04/06 13:12] ☆me☆: Just try to think with a open mind [04/06 13:12] ☆me☆: Whatever you decide to do ill support it [04/06 13:13] ☆her☆: U dnt get it [04/06 13:14] ☆me☆: Maybe I dont.. but from what I understand n briefly saying this.. you feel its too complicated.. u feel you cant forget the hurt and you feel you would be happier by yourself and it makes you feel like getting it more thus making you feel like you dont want this anymore [04/06 13:14] ☆me☆: Pardon me if im wrong [04/06 13:15] ☆me☆: Let me ask you.. do you think it can ever work between us? Honestly [04/06 13:16] ☆me☆: Both us trying? [04/06 13:16] ☆her☆: No [04/06 13:16] ☆me☆: Ok then I have nothing left to say [04/06 13:21] ☆me☆: Decide what you want to do.. but dont tell me your not good for me because I know what I want...
