I'm constantly amazed and humbled by the support so freely given on this forum. To everyone who responded, thank you so much. Every post I saw today picked me up a little more.
Lost - You mentioned that I wouldn't think a friend was weak if this were her story. You're right. I wouldn't. I would want to help ease her pain, but I wouldn't think her weak at all.
labug - Your post about judging myself harshly really resonated with me today. As I was driving to work, my thoughts were centered on not feeling like I was good enough. In general, I'm a very confident person. Yet, I have a very insecure side. If I'm engaging in armchair psychology, I'd probably conclude that the struggle with feeling like I'm good enough comes from my childhood. I wasn't good enough for my parents to stay together. I wasn't good enough for my mother to choose me over her man-of-the-moment. Now, I struggle with feeling like I wasn't a good enough wife; if I were, my H would be willing to try to fix things. I struggle with feeling like I'm not a good enough mother; if I were, I would be able to provide her the family life she deserves. These are things that I've worked on in IC, but, clearly, I haven't resolved them. I would never want my D7 to feel the way that I do. Intellectually, I know that my parents D and my mother's choices were not my fault. Truly, I know that. Still, these feelings crop up.
KGirl - Thank you for the book recommendation. My reading list keeps getting longer! I remember you posting something very similar recently about feeling like others were further ahead than you were. When I read the post on your thread, I thought What's she talking about? She's doing great! Like you've heard from others, my sister and my friends have all made comments about how much strength I have and how they would never be able to handle things the same way. Sometimes, I guess it is easier to see from the outside looking in.
JennD - Thank you for the reminder that we can't compare situations. I love your list idea. Though you probably can't tell it from most of my posts, I'm very logically/rationally minded. I write things down and make a plan and I think this exercise could be really beneficial.
Thornton - Thank you for your kind words. It's nice to hear a reminder. I know and have said (unfortunately to my H, once) that if my H never chooses to R, this really is his loss.
And, per labug's guidance, some small goals for today...
1. Call my MIL.
I called and talked to my MIL this afternoon. She cried. I cried. She reminded me that I'll always be her daughter, no matter what happens with H. She asked me if H was in IC. I told her that was his story to tell and I didn't feel comfortable divulging his personal business. She respected that. She said that she was shocked. H just called her out of the blue a couple of weeks ago and said he was filing for D. He didn't tell her why or tell her that we were separated. She said that she thought we were doing great. She also said she wants to fly out here and kick his a$$. I asked her not to be angry with him and that I could tell he was struggling a lot and so I was trying to have as much patience and compassion as possible. She asked about D7 and I told her that I was taking her to a counselor next week. She also told me that she really missed having me at her brother's funeral a couple of months ago. I apologized for not being there and told her that H asked me not to go. I told her that I wouldn't let that happen again and that I be there for her regardless of what he had to say about it. She told me that she had previously planned to fly out in a few months to visit. I told her she was welcome anytime. She said, Could I still stay with you?. I assured her that she could.
It was a very emotional conversation and I'm in tears again now as I think about it. I'm so glad I reached out to her. Labug - thank you. I'm not sure I would have without your suggestion.
2. Look up the TED talks 25 has recommended and watch them.
I haven't done this one yet, but will before going to bed tonight.
And goals for tomorrow:
1. Write down my list of observations and concerns about D7. I have a preliminary appointment with her therapist first thing Thursday morning and I want to be organized and thorough.
2. Start reading the book I have on help children cope with divorce. Obviously, I still have issues from my own parents' D that still creep up on me and I don't want D7 to face those same issues if I can help it.
3. Sign up for a fitness class of some sort. I have several possibilities to choose from. I need to check the class schedules and see what works best.
I'm not sure if these were the types of goals you were thinking of, labug. I just feel more productive having come up with some.
Tomorrow is D7's end-of-year awards ceremony and party at school, so I'll be there for part of the day. She's always super happy to see me at school events
