Dealing with an ongoing affair

[sandi2]

That was an excellent idea to take her to a comedy show! It probably helped balance her emotions of the day.

Also excellent that you just "listened" to her talk it out. That is what most women need to do to coop with their emotional stress.

[PeterV2]

I'm getting some good info from "Worn Out Woman", but the extreme Judeo-Christian angle is a little distracting. My W is a non-practicing Muslim, but brought up in that culture and not too familiar with the extreme bible-thumping viewpoint. We're both very spiritual but tend to shy away from dogmatic religious haranguing. I can read between the lines so to speak and see the message being delivered. However I'm afraid my W would find it hard to swallow from such a dogmatic point of view.
Still a good book and lots of valuable material. Thanks for recommending it.

Update on the state of affairs:
We spent the last couple of days preparing and hosting a BBQ for her mum's going away. We had 65 people over at the RH for the BBW this afternoon. Everything went really well. This evening when everyone left W & I sat and drank some wine with our feet up and talked. She feels trapped so I suggested that I do the night shifts for a couple of days so she can go home and relax. She is afraid of me grilling her on what she did and where she went and with whom she was while on her own. I didn't reply to that. She's not sure of what's going to happen when her mum leaves. i.e. she doesn't know what she wants to do about us.
We dug back into our past again and I was blamed for a lot of stuff that lead to the A. Not listening to what she wanted. Not getting help for myself when that was suggested. Anyway, I still told her I don't want a divorce. That I'll try to help her in any way I can for her to find herself.
Am I being too accommodating? I told her that the pain I felt was beyond anything I had ever experienced and that I was in a very dark place the first month. That I had resigned myself to divorce and was looking to get laid via the internet for a couple days (with no success may I add). But I also told her that since then I've done a lot of soul searching and have committed myself to saving our marriage.
We parted on a fairly good note, but she still thinks I'm not being truthful about some things. I don't know what she's referring to. But if the past is any indication, tomorrow she'll be more understanding. It's still a very fragile state of affairs and I have to be kind and patient.

[PeterV2]

We went out today and had lunch together. She said she wanted to get away for a week or two just by herself to unwind and find herself. Just stay at a cottage on a lake with a nice dock. I found that odd because she's always said that lakes are just puddles and she prefers the ocean. But last year she went to the OM's cottage which was on a lake with a nice dock. I saw the pics on her cell phone when I was snooping 6 months ago. So maybe my imagination is getting the better of me but it looks to me like she's planning a two week vacation with the OM, even though she's told me the A is over. I just don't believe her. She hasn't opened up her phone to me. I'm not about to asked her to. I just have no trust and am full of suspicion. We've been spending a lot of time together and mostly it's been good, productive and fun. Occasional heated discussions about the past and she's still blaming me for all the ills in the marriage. But she is reaching out to hug me and reaching over to kiss me. Maybe she just does want to be at a cottage alone. But I can't see her doing that because she has fears of the night. Something just doesn't seem right about it.
It drives me crazy.

[sandi2]

I agree. She's holding out on the phone and gets too defensive. What happened to her wanting the two of you going on vacation together?

[PeterV2]

W went to our MC by herself yesterday. I was away on business. But when I got back tonight we spoke on the phone. She said she had a meltdown in the MC office - she is burnt out from her job and all the crepe she's going through in her life. She's going to the MC again next week. Then we'll probably go together to try to work on a plan for reconciliation. At least that's what I'm hoping for. We'll see. She's been loving and kind lately. She's said she loves me a couple of times recently, but not unprompted. She's constantly sending me text messages and phoning me when I least expect it. We went with the family on Friday on an outing. At one point she put her arm around me unprompted and gave me a loving caress. So I'm thinking that she is testing the waters to see if my changes are holding. I'm being very constant and consistent and calm. I'm hopeful we are getting to the point where a transparency plan will be discussed. Probably will happen at MC.
Yeah it still a rollercoaster. Sort of getting used to the rollercoaster ride. I must keep in mind that this is a marathon.
Rollercoasterama!

[PeterV2]

After work tonight I went to see her. We drank a some wine and talked about the past and the problems that lead to the A. I asked and she said it's NC. I tend to believe her. Just the way she said it. But she also said she doesn't trust my changes will last. She says it may be 5 year for then to take hold and she's not willing to wait that long. She just needs to find herself. She blamed me for taking and taking in the relationship and not giving. I know I gave, but she can't see it at all. It was another very difficult conversation. She said many hurtful things. At one point I called a time out and walked away. But we ended on a good note. She said she cares for me. She said she loves me but is not in love with me. She's dredging all sorts of stuff up from the past and I'm just trying to focus on the future. She's going to the MC again next Tuesday. Then we'll go together. I think this is going to be a long hard road to recovery. For both of us. She still feels pressured from me. I got to stop the "I love you" stuff, even though she does respond with "you know I love you too". Makes me feel good but I think it makes her feel pressured. So I have to stop it. I have to give her freedom to be. Freedom to find herself. She said she lost herself by always trying to please me, and now she feels resentful that she did that and blames me because I ate it up.
I think I should go see my MC by myself as well.

[Devaste]

Wow Peter,

Seems like you are moving in the right directions in so many ways, but I have to agree with you, you need to stop the "I love you". As Sandis rules lay out, and you know, it just puts pressure on her to respond like that. I would let her lead on that. She knows where you stand, and will probably just feel forced and pressured.

Great job on calling timeout and walking away for a few minutes. Smart, allows you to collect yourself and allows for you to avoid saying anything damaging or reacting in a way the WAW wife is looking for.

Keep up the good work. Progress will be slow. Don't pressure or force, allow her to see the new you with your changes, and remember, you will be ok either way. Once you have that realization, not that I'm there yet, but I think it helps make you stronger, as you have security that you will be ok no matter what.

Keep up the good battle. Like hearing your updates.

Cheers,

Dev

[sandi2]

She's said she loves me a couple of times recently, but not unprompted

That brings back memories.......and not good ones. One day we were in the car for just a few minutes when my H looks at me and says, "ILY". Know what I did? Turned my head away and looked out the window without saying a word. (Later found out he already knew about OM by then.). But even though I didn't realize he knew about the A, but it didn't matter b/c I saw right through his intent. He told me he loved me to get me to say it back. He was angry I didn't reply, but I was more than just angry that he tried to pressure me into saying ILY too, but he was so unattractive in that moment of pressure.....I was turned off more than i was angry.

Her words may be a source of comfort, but if you have to prompt to hear them......how much value do they hold?

[PeterV2]

Yeah. I hear you. I've stopped saying it.
We spent some time together today with her mum. Her mum's leaving the country this Thursday. W told me today that once her mum is gone she may just disappear for a week or two just to clear her head. She has a friend in Florida she wants to visit. I'm just worried that she'll arrange to meet the OM there, but my imagination could just be getting the better of me.
She is burnt out from the job. She has been working every day and doing the night shifts as well for the past 2 months. She's sleep deprived and not coping too well. I've told her to schedule staff in a couple of times a week to cover the nights so she can sleep but she's reluctant to do that since we have vacancies in the RH such that it's running at a loss until we fill the rooms. She's stressed over that, even though I'm making up the shortfall. She's going to our MC on Tuesday and I'm going Wed. Then Mum leaves Thursday. What happens after that is anyone's guess. We may see the MC together next week. She told me today she's not sure that we can stay together. Although last week or the week before she said she didn't want a divorce. She is still angry at me for not taking the time to spend with her when she had been asking for the past 3 years. She gave of herself to make me happy at the expense of not taking care of her own happiness. I never denied her anything, but we were always very busy and she said she kept doing busy stuff with me side by side so she could spend time with me. But she just wanted to take time off, relax and enjoy life for a change, but my agenda was always too full. I told her my schedule is now a lot more open, that I'm fully aware of what lead to the current situation and have taken steps to never repeat that pattern of behavior. She's not sure that my changes will last.

[sandi2]

It's so sad that the timing in a couple's R can get so off. She felt as if she gave & gave without getting back what she needed. You, like most men, was focused on making her a good living. Now she feels used up and has an empty take.

I think she's going to have to find a way to let go of the anger, or the M won't survive it.

She may or may not meet up with OM. I can see how she could just want to leave the RH and you to escape for awhile. I think when a couple ownes a business like that, their personal relationship and business can become meshed enough to cause burnout with both.

I don't know much more that you can do. Continue to have patience with her until you know more.







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