Feeling really conflicted lately, and could use some feedback.
I think part of what's getting in my way is that, even though I have clear personal goals, I don't think I have any clear goals in regards to my H. Or, maybe I do have a short-term goal (such as, for him to ask me something about my personal life), but no clear action steps.
I guess what I'm trying to say in a very unclear way is that I feel pretty good about my DB'ing in regards to my personal growth... but I don't think I'm doing anything active about my M. I'm just giving him his space. I don't initiate any talk, every time I see him I am upbeat, happy. Everytime he initiates talk with me, I stop to listen. I've validated him when he's told me how tired he is (even though he hasn't acknowledged this is pretty tough on me, too).
What's my point? I don't know. I'm lonely. I miss physical and emotional intimacy terribly. I've missed it for a very long time. I am working so hard to make positive changes. I AM making positive changes. I deserve to be believed in. I deserve someone who will work as hard as I am on the R.
He is a stranger to me now, and I don't think he's really capable of the self-reflection and change I've seen in some of the men on this board. I'm nearly ready to let go.
Do I tell him? I want to tell him how I'm feeling about things now. I want to tell him that I can let go-- not because I agree with him that we are just not meant to be, but because I'm ready to move forward as a happy, healthy woman.
I talked with a friend recently who left her H a few years ago. She said that, even though he started making small changes, she just felt like it was too little, too late, and she didn't have the patience to wait anymore. I think that's what happened to my H. I am starting to let myself believe that he won't ever change his mind. I'm starting to feel like I don't want to be with someone who feels that way. And I feel strong on an individual level, but so sad about this.
