Wife in MLC and ready to leave #4

[25yearsmlc]

MATT, this is a long tome.

It may be my last post to you for awhile b/c you have a lot to take in, but I hope you will do that...take it in...0kay, we hammer GAL for a reason and with a plan.

You first GAL in order to Detach & to stop obsessing, and to feel better...Then, we keep on GAL to keep on with the 180s...and then you keep on GAL b/c it's become your "new" life, and a better more active life is part of "living your best life".

(I still don't recall any of your 180s... Divorce Busting is NOT just about getting your w back. It's to help awaken you, to help you to become the man you were meant to become. Do you get this?)

Some of these GAL ideas below, could also help you network, too. In a sense, anything social does that for you.

Sure, I also worked out a lot. I got in good shape, and that's FINE. It's attractive on a lot of levels, and not just to the WAS. It's just not social. It's the path of least resistance in a way, b/c it requires so little of you emotionally and intellectually.

I believe strongly that you must meet some new people or at least be around others, (though a bit of solo time can be good if you don't obsess then, but calm yourself instead. Like meditation perhaps).

It's much more stimulating and distracting to be around people, especially if they don't know your situation and therefore they don't remind you of it. Do you see why?

Matt, seriously, see if you can join, attend, study, or explore something NEW, THIS month...or find/join/attend/explore/study something you once did but stopped doing b/c of 'life''s distractions, and create a more fulfilling happy life for yourself.

All your kids know, is that your wife has been miserable for a long time, and SHE thinks YOU did not "make her happy"....so she's leaving for paradise with her "real family" and other crazy nonsense.

(I truly pity her future self, b/c when she realizes what has happened, she'll hit bottom. To me, it's like a drunk who wakes up the next day, to realize that he smashed into a car of people the night before, and they're all on life support now...oops...)

But in a way, if all you do now is vent about her, and act miserable, aren't you sort of doing the same thing as your wife?

Meaning, aren't you making her responsible for your happiness, instead of creating it for yourself? You are Modeling behavior for your girls now. You made choices before, that you now regret. So make different choices now.

They are watching you, big time.

Rather than continuing to exclaim about your daughter's upcoming upheaval, cut it up into smaller pieces and help her...besides, isn't your oldest going off to college in a year or two? So in a sense, she's going to have to do the "meet new people" thing anyhow. She wasn't destined to remain where she is for the next decade, correct?

Hey, I'm NOT minimizing the problems of a high schooler moving during high school. My older two kids had to do just that. It is not easy. But it's also not that rare. Let your oldest know that, please.

A lot of my GAL activities are things they also did.
So for your kids sake and yours, show them that WE are all responsible for OUR choices and OUR happiness. And show them HOW we get our groove back.

These are things I did when we lived in the interior of Alaska, including in the winter. It's intensely cold there, and dark, for months...as in NOT reaching -20'F, for weeks. Our second winter we hit -57'F and I took pictures...I mean, that is one wacky place.

We had just moved there when I was 8 months pregnant so I had no friends there yet.

Where we lived at first, it attracts people who don't want to be around many others (hermits, for instance) And since everyone knew the folks from the area already, they were not interested in investing time to get to know the new people.

It was by far the least friendly place I've lived in my life, and we had moved 17 times in the military. So when I say it was NOT friendly, I've got a good basis for comparison. (Later moved to the Anchorage area, and it really was a lot friendlier. That may not "cure" the cold or dark, but it sure helped us all feel better.)

I decided I could not "Surrender" to the darkness, & my older kids needed to know "how" you plug into the world when you are new to it. A bit like yours might...so I had 3 kids, including a baby.

I volunteered at a battered women's shelter. Ended up on the board of directors and later had a paid position.

I coached a girl's softball team, two summers (my older D was on it). Met people who later needed a lawyer and got some work.

I was on the board of directors for Wrestling, (b/c our son wrestled).
I auditioned for community theater, and met some VERY fun creative people. I got cast a lot too.

I did stand up comedy (and yes, I still do it). I did a whole set once on a MLCs at the Improv. It went very well. There must have been a lot of divorced people in that audience, but take note, I "KNEW" we were getting a divorce 8 years ago...and here I am. Not divorced.


I learned to cross country ski. Love it!

Although I had been in the Army, and had shot a weapon, I had not done a lot of shooting before. But I sure took shooting lessons after we heard that a bear killed a toddler down the road from us, in their backyard, while the mother fumbled around with her unloaded gun. I'd just given birth, so maybe that's why I was semi traumatized by that event. Anyhow, I became an expert marksman.

I Learned to hunt big game, to deep sea fish, & I got better at downhill skiing.
(I didn't buy beef or chicken for almost two years b/c of the hunting and fishing there.)
I learned to use a snowmobile ("snow machine" to Alaskans) I loved riding.
I Learned to fly a plane, and I got a pilot's license. That was the first thing I did that cost any real money. What a thrill (I also went skydiving on my birthday but that wasn't really GAL. Just a superb thrill.

I edited a book. (The book ended up on the Best Seller's List. Who knew? I've since been paid to proof read and edit other material and that's something I can do from home. So, BONUS!)

I Worked out 3-4 times a week, and I really did get in excellent shape. Looking good made a world of difference to me.

(Plus I'd just had our last child, and I needed to lose the baby weight. It was not easy to do, let alone in the dark, deathly cold of their long LONG winters).

I Saw a therapist and for some months, I went on ADs. Both helped a lot.

Took a pottery class (very odd for me to do, but I found that I liked it a lot).

Joined the Officer's Wives club, after ignoring it for 15 years of h's active duty.

(Wish I had joined sooner. I Met two women there who helped me thru those winters and who are life long friends to this day.)

Joined a writer's group. After only a few months, I was published.

I attended "public speaker" events in which speakers are invited to come and discuss VERY different topics, purely for the mental stimulation. I met some very smart interesting people and it felt good to be told by them, that I had mental value. It's nice to be liked!

Took a class in Conversational French & got back to my family's roots.
I Took a class in Italian cooking...delicious & fun.

There is actually more, but I just wanted to suggest to you a some things you can do too, and that do not cost a lot.

Actually, other than pilot training, most of these ^^ activities were quite cheap or even free.

Matt, Inertia is your greatest enemy to GAL. It has kept you stuck in fear and immobility for years now.

Overcome that (& recognize the excuses we all make that are merely forms of inertia)--. I know that staying stuck b/c is what you are used to. ((Been there, done that!))

Even while we desperately want more, different...for us, we often remain inert...

but Matt, once you overcome the inertia/stuckness, you'll be well on your way to a happier more fulfilling life AND showing that to your daughters. What a GIFT FOR ALL OF YOU!! You can do this.

The more you overcome inertia, the more you will become an active member of the world and not a spectator waiting for their partner to participate...and then, the better your R's will be with all people...

YOU'VE GOT THIS, MATT...