WAW...Again, Part II

[stumps]

About this: I'm not particularly prone to anger/outbursts.
Is that completely true or do you have anger that you just don't express?

Being as honest with myself as possible, I think it is a true statement. I have had, however, problems in the past with how I express anger...or rather how I don't express. A big contributor to problems earlier in my marriage was the fact that I would withdraw when I got angry. Sometimes for hours, sometimes for a day or two. This would drive W nuts. I'm happy to report this isn't so much of an issue anymore; it is one of the things I pretty successfully dealt with in prior IC. That isn't just my assessment. W has praised me many times for how far I've come in this regard, and in fact we talked about it not too long ago and she reiterated that although she obviously had issues with me and the marriage that lead her to drop the bomb, the way I dealt with my anger was no longer one of them.

In fact, interestingly enough, W admitted not too long ago that she was seeing that *she* had become the "stuffer" in the relationship...that she didn't know how to express negative feelings, and so instead she stuffed them down inside until they essentially metastasized until both the feelings themselves and the objects of them
became something far greater than they would have if she had just been able to express them.

Not that that lets me off the hook by any means. I know what I contributed to this marital breakdown. What I can say for myself...which W would concur with as she has said it herself several times over the past couple months, is that since she dropped
the bomb I've done a d@mn good job of turning myself around. But be that as it may, I don't want to have angry outbursts like the one I had the other night, no matter how rare they are. Anger under certain circumstances may be normal, even healthy at times, but that's not how I want to handle and conduct myself.

So where we are now, according to my W, is I have become the "perfect" husband...treating her how she always wanted to be treated, doing the things she always wanted me to do, being the man she always wanted me to be. But she says none of it is changing her feelings, or lack thereof, toward me...despite the fact that she still says she loves and cares about me, that I am her family, and that I am her best friend. Despite the fact that we keep having these great date nights. Despite the fact that she still asks me to massage her, to do things for her. Despite the fact that we are doing more with each other and with our neighbors now than at any other point in our marriage. And despite the fact that she is starting to return the favors (this morning she brought me coffee in bed and then asked if I wanted a back rub because she knew my back had been hurting).

According to her, despite all of these ostensibly positive signs, she still feels like she's done, and can't get over her disappointment and resentment regarding our marital history, and although she says she believes my changes are real and permanent, she says she's just not willing to risk finding herself in this position again...that she looks at the older women she knows that are in unhappy marriages and she refuses to become one of them.

I received some advice a while back from my father-in-law, who said just keep doing what I'm doing, and if she moves out as she now says she intends to, it will give her something to miss when I'm no longer around. And if it doesn't change her heart and mind, it will at least make me a happier healthier person and a d@mn fine partner for someone else in the future. Have to admit it was nice hearing that, especially from W's dad of all people...but also have to admit that I don't want this hard work to be of benefit to anyone except me, my kids, and my W.