Grey, I suggest you read "His Needs, Her Needs", it spells out what your going through. Ultimately, for a marriage to work, long term, BOTH partners needs have to be met- including your need for intimate sex. That said, perhaps you are meeting needs of hers that aren't her BIGGEST needs? Going through the book may give you both fodder for discussion. There may be something that you can do that will deposit massive love units, only you are currently ignorant as to what that is.
My sex life in some ways mirrored yours. Once married, I no longer felt "wanted" by my wife. I'd complain, argue, pout and be a little kid about it. The only time she asked for sex was when we were trying to conceive. Like you, I thought I was the perfect husband. I couldn't understand what the problem was, and it upset me. During and after my wife's EA, I learned from her what it was that I wasn't doing that would make her feel more loving. Additionally, and more importantly, I learned what I needed to STOP doing that was causing me to become unattractive in her eyes.
Since I have become more "emotionally intelligent" in my ways, our sex life has been incredible! We have sex 3-5 times a week, half of it initiated by her (I know- TMI). She no longer pretends to be too tired (or whatever else), and we "do it" whenever during the day, not just at bedtime. By the way, one of her biggest complaints in the past was feeling pressured to have sex because she resented hurting my feelings - sound familiar?
Your wife needs to feel a deep love and appreciation for you in order to feel sexual desire for you. Their "appetite" works differently from ours. Read the book and let me know what you and your W thinks. You don't need counseliling, you can do this on your own. Please remember not to allow your feelings to get hurt, or start defending yourself when your wife complains to you or explains what she needs. Listen and improve. That's it.
