A lot to digest and mull over for sure! We're plugging for you, buddy.
You wrote:
Goal: I want to be happily married and not be where I am at. Right now...that is not attainable goal because your W is gone. What about a goal for YOU? DBing is all about working on yourself. That is the gift of time that our dear friend Cadet talks about in his introduction to newbies. Use that time to make 180's, read and learn, and become a better man. During that process, you'll be able re-attract W to you once again.
Objective: 1 Find out what went wrong I think you already know what went wrong...but just refusing to acknowledge your role in this M breakdown. What do you think went wrong based on what W has told you and your own thoughts? 2 fix them in the best way possible You must do #1 first in order to do number 2. Mind you, you cannot fix them with W as she's not a willing participant at this point.
Use this time to change some things YOU don't like about yourself because you'll need to live with and be comfortable with these changes. Don't use those changes as a ploy to get your W back. You make the changes to make YOURSELF feel good about you and be proud of the 'new' Brandon.
She only seemed to get more hostile. At the time, I was completely baffled. I didn't understand what was happening. I kept saying 'I am so confused right now. I am doing everything you are asking me to (cleaning house and running errands) but it does not seem to make a difference to you.'
She's mad that you are NOW doing this instead of heeding her words before and making those corrections. You waited until she left to do them and of course that makes her mad. Also she is keeping you firmly at arm's length to maintain the Berlin Wall as a self-protection mechanism. She's deeply hurt and wounded.
The deferring habit hit home again a few months ago and really woke me up as to how passive I had become in our M. After nearly a year, we had been slowly piecing and we took a walk through town. She asked me where we should go for coffee, and without thinking, I said "Wherever you want to go, doesn't matter to me."
She blew up at this and told me she just wanted me to make decisions.
Wow. That is key info from W to tuck in the back of your head and work on it pronto! No woman likes a weak man. They like to see their men take charge once in a while and be decisive in their decisions/actions.
So knowing that my W has said D a few times and I ended up filing for D after all, what should be done now? So far she has made no statement about wanting to stop the D.
Just because W brings up the dreaded D word a coupla times doesn't mean that you must file. If she really wants D so bad, let her do the leg work herself. You can ask your lawyer to stay the D and put it on the back burner.
A lot of times the WAS will proclaim that they'll file for D and procrastinate in filing. This is where we use the time wisely in working on ourselves. That is the true essence of DBing.
I meet with her Wednesday to talk about finances and I plan to keep it short. Like I said earlier I want to be in a happy M and I think she does need to seek counseling of some sort and get back on her meds.
When you do discuss finances, you would want to stick to the bare facts and not get drawn into arguments. As for counseling, you cannot control W. It has to be up to her to seek it.
