Wife in MLC and ready to leave #4

[25yearsmlc]

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc

Also, bad mouthing the spouse is called "parental alienation" and you can LOSE CUSTODY if you do that. (You may want your wife to know that as well)

FROM WONKA:

Why would Matt tell W this??! How would that help the situation? Who's to say that W won't take this and turn this around on Matt?

Personally, I wouldn't bring that line up at all.


My response...
Because I think wanting to trap his wife or punish her for doing that, is NOT as desirable as preventing her from doing it in the first place. My point is that she needs to NOT make him the bad guy just as much as he needs to be above board.

If you think it'll act as a warning, and somehow trigger...a charge of it against him, all I can think is that she already has a lawyer. But by Matt saying it, he's letting her know that he now has information, and information is power.

He's not helpless or subject to her whims b/c he's just as armed as she is (from what i can see here, he's more armed and she's got a lot to lose by her choices.)

Which reminds me Matt, this is not a contest. So don't keep score because it always hurts a marriage. I'll repeat that for emphasis, keeping scorecards always hurts a marriage. Never helpful.

HOWEVER, she has a lot more to lose now than you do. How so?

Despite your mind reading and belief that her life is all fun now, and free of any remorse, (which I do not believe and even if I did, it's not the same for a mother to leave her children. IT's harder socially speaking b/c who among us has not blinked a few times, when told that the father got primary custody?

I admit, I DO make some negative assumptions when I hear that and must force myself to stay open minded. So your wife will always get a "look" when it's explained that she does not have full or primary custody (assuming that's how the courts rule. Texas prefers joint custody like most states. Moreover, from your posts here, you lost your wife some time ago. So what's left to lose if she files?

Practically speaking, what does shed contribute? I Suspect it's more than you are ready to admit but I hope your version of her neglect is accurate in the sense that she would be doing you a favor by leaving.

And she's not the first spouse to go off the deep end, or to be nasty to the LBS, and be the one to file....ironic? YES, but very common.

Although I am a lawyer licensed in that state, please understand, my "legal advice" here ---is that you get legal advice there. This isn't the place for me to blather on without all the facts or in lieu or you being represented.

But I'd be remiss if I didn't mention a few of the horror stories I recall.

And so I pass on to you, do not bad mouth your wife to your kids. Period. IF she does it to them about you, let her know what you're willing to do so she doesn't hurt the kids anymore than they already are hurt. And that's the thing, b/c as wacky as a parent can act, or as ill, it never ever helps to have their flaws pointed out to a child, especially by the other parent.

The kids will realize the truth, when they are ready to face it. They often blame the messenger too, so there's simply no point to you doing it.

And you know, it's beneath you to do that anyhow.

Ok one and all ran out of room on old thread and needing to start new one.

W came home late a surly. Wanted to know why I didn't sign paperwork (told her I'm seeing lawyer tomorrow), and acted like a real bitch. I really don't know why but I feel very tense around her now,

well, not to quibble, but if she's acting like a beyotch, THAT is probably why you are tense around her...not hard to comprehend. The first positive most of notice when a spouse leaves, is REDUCTION of daily stress...and that's not a small thing.


like I'm waiting for the next piece of bad news. I also didn't talk to my D yet as after everything that was said on last thread made me think I have to rethink what I'm going to say. I have no plans to bad mouth her mother. She needs to know she filed for a D! This isn't going to change any time soon in fact I have zero idea that she won't go through with it now. Of course she will.

I have a hard time reading ^^^these types of negative predictions, let alone with such negative certainty in you. Plus you've been called on it before, and I believe "being more positive" was something you wanted to work on.

It's NOT weak or more risky, to be positive, it's strong and a heck of a lot more pleasant to be around. I also believe that we can "speak things into existence" by projecting such negative things. So if you want to make predictions, make some positive ones. Such as "My d's and I will be fine no matter what happens. We will still take a trip/camp/study together/bond/do scouts" ETC ETC

Other than a few words here and there, have you actually taken any advice we've given you? That's not really a 2 x 4...I ask b/c you get some LONG posts here that take a lot of effort and then the next thing you know, you simply present another scenario that the approaches suggested by us earlier, would also address....so the advice is useless if it is not used. Are you being helped by us and are you able to process and implement any of it?

Also, won't telling your d's ASAP, that a divorce WILL for sure happen, causes them to see the calendar as the enemy. Do you want them to mark the day as "DOOMSDAY" or "family ends" day?

A lot of military families function well enough without their I think showing your kids that they are still loved,& will be safe and steady with you, is KEY here. You sound as if you believe the world is ending and that attitude will harm your children. Yeah, it really will. Please be mindful --that we know this is the hardest things you've ever done. But your attitude is going to harm the kids even more...and it sure isn't helping you.

Being compassionate for your wife at this time, and not letting up on reassuring your children of how valuable they are AND how parts of their life will remain the same.

The child psychologist I went to, told me the main thing to stress to the kids, other than that both parents love them, is what will NOT change in their lives with a divorce. What will still be the same as before? For instance, if you do not have to change schools or move, that's GREAT! STRESS THAT to your girls, then stress that they''l still have their friends around, same church, same neighborhood, WHATEVER will remain stable, must be a focus. Some of your comments are "catastrophizing"....which is not good for the kids...or you.

So, is there a reason to tell them all this horrible news, "asap"? You do seem in a hurry to get things all over with and I say that, knowing it's your wife who is filing.

The whole short time you've been here, you have barely given 48 hours to any single approach or change of behavior in you (180s)....so why the rush on your end? Are you wanting to beat your wife to the punch? That sounds punitive but sometimes it's self protection.

You decide which that^^is.


This marriage is over and this family is no longer going to be a regular family, ever.

okay so THIS is a 2 x 4...

Get a grip and STOP acting as if you must preparing yourself and your kids for "NO MORE HAPPINESS...EVER.."....your wife checked out of the marriage a few years ago, according to you. So tell me, seriously ===what will be so different than it has been?? You said you already do all the work. So how are the kids going to be let down by their mother, whom you say already lets them down?

\

My W is going to do this. She won't stop until she is done and at this point I doubt we will EVER be one of the 15%! There will never be a reconciliation. I am certain of that now. I have no qualms saying she will never be able to come back no matter what now. She has gone back on everything she has ever said in the last 2 weeks.


This^^-- is not "venting". It's you circling the drain. STOP IT, for the kids sake, and yours.


She is not going to allow me to stop her from putting my D in whatever school SHE see's fit and doesn't like me having a lawyer because she was hoping I would just fold due to money. \

Since you are getting a L, this^^ is not even true anymore. There's no "she won't let me"...or she "won't allow me to stop her"...and the rest is MORE negative mind reading with a rather silly sounding certainty. YES I feel that this early in the game, your predictions about the distant future are a bit absurd, but I clearly am NOT REACHING You...so...

Are you the author of your life or not? Start being in charge of your life. It's long overdue. Plus, your kids are seeing you model someone who gives away all his power and then blames the person for 'taking" it.



I need to realize she is not the same person she was just a couple weeks ago.


AND you need to realize SHE IS IN THE PROCESS OF CHANGING, and you don't know where she'll end up, or where you will. What she says Tuesday at 9am, is NOT what she's likely to say the next month.

Her dad's being sick has pushed her past any other concern including what is best for our D. She has made a decision and that is what she will now do because she's like that. She is now on a mission and nothing will change her mind. She gets this way about many things. I will no longer be anything close to a husband. I won't be a roommate nor a friend.

I will not help her in any way. I am done trusting her as she is doing exactly what her dad is telling her and he is a devious bastard who cheated her mother and got what he wanted. Never cared it hurt the kids as well. He got to keep every Penney and never paid CS. She will do the same if I let her. I won't be letting her!

By the way 25, the reason her doing this the expensive way instead of mediation means I will need the money my dad was giving me for D's school for a lawyer instead.

In Texas, mediation is not necessarily a money saver, or not much of one. Why? B/C divorce is a fast process there, and comparatively cheap. Since you said you don't have much property, it's really all about the kids, correct?

Plus there is a formula for CS there, that the state uses and it rarely deviates from it. So your lawyers will plug in the numbers and thats pretty much that. Why mediate for that?

EXCEPTIONS are made for special needs children and if i were you, I'd hone in on her needs and the costs.

The mediation is a red herring in my mind. I think you're shotgunning, spreading out all the worries and fears (blaming her for each one) and the fact is that people get divorced for lots of crummy reasons. By you taking a stand in the legal system, your wife will NOT be a total repeat of her dad, plus I sense she misses the kids more than you seem to notice. Just a guess but I think it's true.


My dad isn't nearly as wealthy as her father. Can't afford both. My job search is still in search stage. I'm trying to get some sales at start up but now I'm spending all my time looking for lawyers and such.

if you need a steady income and you want half or primary custody, wouldn't a regular job with regular hours - make a lot more sense right now?

Ask your L how it'll look if you have no job, or if getting a new well paying one is going to hurt you. Won't hurt to ask. And btw, there are a lot of D lawyers in that state. May I ask, why is getting one such a Herculean task for you?
Don't let it become a mountain to climb, b/c it's not that complicated. Given your situation, I would not hire a solo practioner b/c you MAY need the resources of a firm and it's easier to be in contact with at least SOME lawyer at the firm, in case yours is out of town, unavailable for court reasons, etc....

Just call 3-4, ask for a free consult with the ones who sound half decent. Maybe ask "if they believe they can help" you based on what you say over the phone or in the first half hour (that is often the free consult. you outline your situation and they give you a guesstimate about numbers, ask you about dates for filing, marriage, birth certificates, etc. Then you hire one. It's not rocket science. Like I said, they'll take out a CS FORMULA which is easy to decode, and then you add in things that your special needs d, needs or is expected to need.

Since you report that your D is "undiagnosed", I don't really know what to say about that. Why? IS the question that comes to mind first. Could your wife argue, in theory at least, that your d is "just fine"?

Isn't she being evaluated for whatever it is that is keeps her from being able to eat and do what the healthy kids do?


PLEASE SLOW YOUR HEAD DOWN and THINK about what we are all saying to you. Take it in.

Don't then turn around and go to whatever worst case scenario is in your mind, and then stare at THAT...

Know the kids are watching and it's up to you to NOT let this "ruin" their lives. Again, it's up to YOU to protect them.

You are not the first person to be "abandoned" by a spouse, and I bet your d's know some divorced families.

You just seem so panicky, I really don't get it. SURE I KNOW it's scary.

But you have said, that this has been really bad for years now, you "do all the work" and "gave up fun things" and "only had her friends", etc.

It's time for you to own your own life and this is the chance, whether the changes came by way of a broken heart or an awakening, you DO need to make these changes. The co-dependent in you is making things that are painful but manageable, seem even worse.

you can do this. And you know, you HAVE TO DO THIS. Your kids need you.