Ok one and all ran out of room on old thread and needing to start new one.
W came home late a surly. Wanted to know why I didn't sign paperwork (told her I'm seeing lawyer tomorrow), and acted like a real bitch. I really don't know why but I feel very tense around her now, like I'm waiting for the next piece of bad news. I also didn't talk to my D yet as after everything that was said on last thread made me think I have to rethink what I'm going to say. I have no plans to bad mouth her mother. She needs to know she filed for a D! This isn't going to change any time soon in fact I have zero idea that she won't go through with it now. Of course she will. This marriage is over and this family is no longer going to be a regular family, ever.
My W is going to do this. She won't stop until she is done and at this point I doubt we will EVER be one of the 15%! There will never be a reconciliation. I am certain of that now. I have no qualms saying she will never be able to come back no matter what now. She has gone back on everything she has ever said in the last 2 weeks. She is not going to allow me to stop her from putting my D in whatever school SHE see's fit and doesn't like me having a lawyer because she was hoping I would just fold due to money. I need to realize she is not the same person she was just a couple weeks ago. Her dad's being sick has pushed her past any other concern including what is best for our D. She has made a decision and that is what she will now do because she's like that. She is now on a mission and nothing will change her mind. She gets this way about many things. I will no longer be anything close to a husband. I won't be a roommate nor a friend. I will not help her in any way. I am done trusting her as she is doing exactly what her dad is telling her and he is a devious bastard who cheated her mother and got what he wanted. Never cared it hurt the kids as well. He got to keep every Penney and never paid CS. She will do the same if I let her. I won't be letting her!
By the way 25, the reason her doing this the expensive way instead of mediation means I will need the money my dad was giving me for D's school for a lawyer instead. My dad isn't nearly as wealthy as her father. Can't afford both. My job search is still in search stage. I'm trying to get some sales at start up but now I'm spending all my time looking for lawyers and such.
Matt, why is it you need to tell your D? Let your W tell her with you in the room. Your D didn't ask for this and you are both her parents.
You are angry. That's obvious. And understandable. But think beyond the here and now and think about how your D would look back on this. What she would wish her father had done differently when she found out about the divorce. Not what anyone else would do differently. What her father would have done.
It matters, Matt.
Your W is in la la land. She has her own issues. But you have to live with your choices and the things you say and do around your D. Trust me when I tell you, there will be a time later that you look back and will either be satisfied with what you said and did or will regret it. Your D will as well.
Separate the feelings for your W and the things she is doing from your actions. It's not easy, but you will be glad you did.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Good idea AJM. The problem is my W refuses to talk to her. She is fully into finding a place and looking at schools in another county but still won't say a thing to our D. This is why I think I should talk to her. If she finds out I knew but didn't tell her, what will she think of me then? To let her think she still has a chance at going to the school she wants. She's angry now, my D. I don't want her to be even more angry. I really don't plan on "bad mouthing" her mom, I just want to be as honest as I can. I do now realize I need to not be so angry when I decide to think of what to say and when I say it. I will have more info after tomorrow's lawyer trip so I may have a better idea of what will happen going down the road. I will be careful. I will do the best thing I can. I never thought I would ever be here. Ever need to think of the right thing to say when I know my D's life is going to change for the worse and there is nothing I can do. I never thought I'd need to protect them from their own mother. It just [censored] and hurts!
I'm so sorry you are struggling right now. I can tell how angry and and hurt you are and that is completely understandable. You've been given some great advice regarding talking to your Ds. It appears you guys have not told them you are splitting up, correct?
I don't envy you on having that conversation. My h was not interested in telling my 3 kids under 10 and I had to do the talking. When I told them we needed to speak to them, they asked me if we were having another baby. I had to fight back tears then just as I do now typing that. I hated seeing their little faces look so devastated and dejected and I kept it pretty simple. Afterwards, all 3 of my kids were sobbing and the man who had cried about everything had a smirk on his face. Left the room and tweeted if people thought it was cold outside, then they should be in his house. And sent another tweet that these kids don't understand how important his "happiness " is and that he hated living here. I realize this isn't a feel good story-just letting you know it's painful and you will get through. You can do this!
In regards to how much to tell, please heed the advice of others regarding your w. You girls love their mom as they should and in time they will see everything as it is. It sounds like their mom has had issues for quite some time. Don't thnk they won't notice. Always take the high road. It really is the best road. And try to consider before doing and saying anything if when you do, you can put your head on your pillow each night and say "I did the best I could and I gave it my all. That's all I can do." That's not to say you lie for or defend your wife. Just don't interfere with your Ds r with your W. Remind your girls you are always there for them and love them. Your actions will speak volumes to them.
One last thing.... When I came here I had it stuck in my head that I wanted my h to feel the repurcussions for his choices. It is a feeling many of us have at some time or another. I remember reading several times someone saying not to worry about that as that's not your job. It isn't. I know you want you W to realize she's making a mistake and hurting so many . And in her mind this is a step necessary to achieve the ever elusive "happiness." Maybe she realizes it and maybe she doesn't. That's not your job. Life will show her many things.
Hang in there. Focus on you and your girls. Take deep breaths. Good luck on the job search!
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 06/03/1407:31 AM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Also, bad mouthing the spouse is called "parental alienation" and you can LOSE CUSTODY if you do that. (You may want your wife to know that as well) FROM WONKA:
Why would Matt tell W this??! How would that help the situation? Who's to say that W won't take this and turn this around on Matt?
Personally, I wouldn't bring that line up at all.
My response... Because I think wanting to trap his wife or punish her for doing that, is NOT as desirable as preventing her from doing it in the first place. My point is that she needs to NOT make him the bad guy just as much as he needs to be above board.
If you think it'll act as a warning, and somehow trigger...a charge of it against him, all I can think is that she already has a lawyer. But by Matt saying it, he's letting her know that he now has information, and information is power.
He's not helpless or subject to her whims b/c he's just as armed as she is (from what i can see here, he's more armed and she's got a lot to lose by her choices.)
Which reminds me Matt, this is not a contest. So don't keep score because it always hurts a marriage. I'll repeat that for emphasis, keeping scorecards always hurts a marriage. Never helpful.
HOWEVER, she has a lot more to lose now than you do. How so?
Despite your mind reading and belief that her life is all fun now, and free of any remorse, (which I do not believe and even if I did, it's not the same for a mother to leave her children. IT's harder socially speaking b/c who among us has not blinked a few times, when told that the father got primary custody?
I admit, I DO make some negative assumptions when I hear that and must force myself to stay open minded. So your wife will always get a "look" when it's explained that she does not have full or primary custody (assuming that's how the courts rule. Texas prefers joint custody like most states. Moreover, from your posts here, you lost your wife some time ago. So what's left to lose if she files?
Practically speaking, what does shed contribute? I Suspect it's more than you are ready to admit but I hope your version of her neglect is accurate in the sense that she would be doing you a favor by leaving.
And she's not the first spouse to go off the deep end, or to be nasty to the LBS, and be the one to file....ironic? YES, but very common.
Although I am a lawyer licensed in that state, please understand, my "legal advice" here ---is that you get legal advice there. This isn't the place for me to blather on without all the facts or in lieu or you being represented.
But I'd be remiss if I didn't mention a few of the horror stories I recall.
And so I pass on to you, do not bad mouth your wife to your kids. Period. IF she does it to them about you, let her know what you're willing to do so she doesn't hurt the kids anymore than they already are hurt. And that's the thing, b/c as wacky as a parent can act, or as ill, it never ever helps to have their flaws pointed out to a child, especially by the other parent. The kids will realize the truth, when they are ready to face it. They often blame the messenger too, so there's simply no point to you doing it. And you know, it's beneath you to do that anyhow.
Originally Posted By: Matt165
Ok one and all ran out of room on old thread and needing to start new one.
W came home late a surly. Wanted to know why I didn't sign paperwork (told her I'm seeing lawyer tomorrow), and acted like a real bitch. I really don't know why but I feel very tense around her now, well, not to quibble, but if she's acting like a beyotch, THAT is probably why you are tense around her...not hard to comprehend. The first positive most of notice when a spouse leaves, is REDUCTION of daily stress...and that's not a small thing.
like I'm waiting for the next piece of bad news. I also didn't talk to my D yet as after everything that was said on last thread made me think I have to rethink what I'm going to say. I have no plans to bad mouth her mother. She needs to know she filed for a D! This isn't going to change any time soon in fact I have zero idea that she won't go through with it now. Of course she will. I have a hard time reading ^^^these types of negative predictions, let alone with such negative certainty in you. Plus you've been called on it before, and I believe "being more positive" was something you wanted to work on.
It's NOT weak or more risky, to be positive, it's strong and a heck of a lot more pleasant to be around. I also believe that we can "speak things into existence" by projecting such negative things. So if you want to make predictions, make some positive ones. Such as "My d's and I will be fine no matter what happens. We will still take a trip/camp/study together/bond/do scouts" ETC ETC
Other than a few words here and there, have you actually taken any advice we've given you? That's not really a 2 x 4...I ask b/c you get some LONG posts here that take a lot of effort and then the next thing you know, you simply present another scenario that the approaches suggested by us earlier, would also address....so the advice is useless if it is not used. Are you being helped by us and are you able to process and implement any of it?
Also, won't telling your d's ASAP, that a divorce WILL for sure happen, causes them to see the calendar as the enemy. Do you want them to mark the day as "DOOMSDAY" or "family ends" day?
A lot of military families function well enough without their I think showing your kids that they are still loved,& will be safe and steady with you, is KEY here. You sound as if you believe the world is ending and that attitude will harm your children. Yeah, it really will. Please be mindful --that we know this is the hardest things you've ever done. But your attitude is going to harm the kids even more...and it sure isn't helping you.
Being compassionate for your wife at this time, and not letting up on reassuring your children of how valuable they are AND how parts of their life will remain the same.
The child psychologist I went to, told me the main thing to stress to the kids, other than that both parents love them, is what will NOT change in their lives with a divorce. What will still be the same as before? For instance, if you do not have to change schools or move, that's GREAT! STRESS THAT to your girls, then stress that they''l still have their friends around, same church, same neighborhood, WHATEVER will remain stable, must be a focus. Some of your comments are "catastrophizing"....which is not good for the kids...or you.
So, is there a reason to tell them all this horrible news, "asap"? You do seem in a hurry to get things all over with and I say that, knowing it's your wife who is filing.
The whole short time you've been here, you have barely given 48 hours to any single approach or change of behavior in you (180s)....so why the rush on your end? Are you wanting to beat your wife to the punch? That sounds punitive but sometimes it's self protection.
You decide which that^^is.
This marriage is over and this family is no longer going to be a regular family, ever. okay so THIS is a 2 x 4...
Get a grip and STOP acting as if you must preparing yourself and your kids for "NO MORE HAPPINESS...EVER.."....your wife checked out of the marriage a few years ago, according to you. So tell me, seriously ===what will be so different than it has been?? You said you already do all the work. So how are the kids going to be let down by their mother, whom you say already lets them down?
\ My W is going to do this. She won't stop until she is done and at this point I doubt we will EVER be one of the 15%! There will never be a reconciliation. I am certain of that now. I have no qualms saying she will never be able to come back no matter what now. She has gone back on everything she has ever said in the last 2 weeks.
This^^-- is not "venting". It's you circling the drain. STOP IT, for the kids sake, and yours.
She is not going to allow me to stop her from putting my D in whatever school SHE see's fit and doesn't like me having a lawyer because she was hoping I would just fold due to money. \ Since you are getting a L, this^^ is not even true anymore. There's no "she won't let me"...or she "won't allow me to stop her"...and the rest is MORE negative mind reading with a rather silly sounding certainty. YES I feel that this early in the game, your predictions about the distant future are a bit absurd, but I clearly am NOT REACHING You...so... Are you the author of your life or not? Start being in charge of your life. It's long overdue. Plus, your kids are seeing you model someone who gives away all his power and then blames the person for 'taking" it.
I need to realize she is not the same person she was just a couple weeks ago.
AND you need to realize SHE IS IN THE PROCESS OF CHANGING, and you don't know where she'll end up, or where you will. What she says Tuesday at 9am, is NOT what she's likely to say the next month. Her dad's being sick has pushed her past any other concern including what is best for our D. She has made a decision and that is what she will now do because she's like that. She is now on a mission and nothing will change her mind. She gets this way about many things. I will no longer be anything close to a husband. I won't be a roommate nor a friend.
I will not help her in any way. I am done trusting her as she is doing exactly what her dad is telling her and he is a devious bastard who cheated her mother and got what he wanted. Never cared it hurt the kids as well. He got to keep every Penney and never paid CS. She will do the same if I let her. I won't be letting her!
By the way 25, the reason her doing this the expensive way instead of mediation means I will need the money my dad was giving me for D's school for a lawyer instead. In Texas, mediation is not necessarily a money saver, or not much of one. Why? B/C divorce is a fast process there, and comparatively cheap. Since you said you don't have much property, it's really all about the kids, correct? Plus there is a formula for CS there, that the state uses and it rarely deviates from it. So your lawyers will plug in the numbers and thats pretty much that. Why mediate for that?
EXCEPTIONS are made for special needs children and if i were you, I'd hone in on her needs and the costs.
The mediation is a red herring in my mind. I think you're shotgunning, spreading out all the worries and fears (blaming her for each one) and the fact is that people get divorced for lots of crummy reasons. By you taking a stand in the legal system, your wife will NOT be a total repeat of her dad, plus I sense she misses the kids more than you seem to notice. Just a guess but I think it's true.
My dad isn't nearly as wealthy as her father. Can't afford both. My job search is still in search stage. I'm trying to get some sales at start up but now I'm spending all my time looking for lawyers and such.
if you need a steady income and you want half or primary custody, wouldn't a regular job with regular hours - make a lot more sense right now?
Ask your L how it'll look if you have no job, or if getting a new well paying one is going to hurt you. Won't hurt to ask. And btw, there are a lot of D lawyers in that state. May I ask, why is getting one such a Herculean task for you? Don't let it become a mountain to climb, b/c it's not that complicated. Given your situation, I would not hire a solo practioner b/c you MAY need the resources of a firm and it's easier to be in contact with at least SOME lawyer at the firm, in case yours is out of town, unavailable for court reasons, etc....
Just call 3-4, ask for a free consult with the ones who sound half decent. Maybe ask "if they believe they can help" you based on what you say over the phone or in the first half hour (that is often the free consult. you outline your situation and they give you a guesstimate about numbers, ask you about dates for filing, marriage, birth certificates, etc. Then you hire one. It's not rocket science. Like I said, they'll take out a CS FORMULA which is easy to decode, and then you add in things that your special needs d, needs or is expected to need.
Since you report that your D is "undiagnosed", I don't really know what to say about that. Why? IS the question that comes to mind first. Could your wife argue, in theory at least, that your d is "just fine"?
Isn't she being evaluated for whatever it is that is keeps her from being able to eat and do what the healthy kids do?
PLEASE SLOW YOUR HEAD DOWN and THINK about what we are all saying to you. Take it in.
Don't then turn around and go to whatever worst case scenario is in your mind, and then stare at THAT...
Know the kids are watching and it's up to you to NOT let this "ruin" their lives. Again, it's up to YOU to protect them.
You are not the first person to be "abandoned" by a spouse, and I bet your d's know some divorced families.
You just seem so panicky, I really don't get it. SURE I KNOW it's scary.
But you have said, that this has been really bad for years now, you "do all the work" and "gave up fun things" and "only had her friends", etc.
It's time for you to own your own life and this is the chance, whether the changes came by way of a broken heart or an awakening, you DO need to make these changes. The co-dependent in you is making things that are painful but manageable, seem even worse.
you can do this. And you know, you HAVE TO DO THIS. Your kids need you.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hi 25, I think you are getting me and someone else confused here. I don't have a special needs child, not even undiagnosed. My kids eat just fine. I also have a regular job with regular hours, it's just a start up and not making much money yet. The co I worked for closed a couple months before B-day. My wife and I talked and agreed that she made enough that I could start a co with a few people I knew in the same business, knowing it would take time to start making good money again. It has taken longer but all that has happened since B-day hasn't helped.
Look, my W HAS FILED. She got a lawyer, daddy gave him money and she filed. It's GOING TO HAPPEN. The kids are 18 and 14. Old enough to handle this and they are going to have to since no one BUT my W can stop it and I don't see that happening. She is on a tear and will not be stopped. Look I have seen her attitude change since her father got involved. I have done nothing to hurt her and she is angry and mean and uncaring. I worked and kept our girls in private school for years while she was a stay at home mother. I never would have cut her off from ANY money. I never said I was I in charge of money or she couldn't buy anything or anything like that. As long as we are married it belongs to both of us!
I also never said I needed to be more positive. The things I said are reality. My W contributes by working and doing laundry on the weekend. She does not cook. She has started cleaning every once in a while but when she feels like it. I clean the bathrooms, sinks, do dishes, the list goes on. She comes home plays music for an hour and goes to bed. She usually will go out after work if she wants company. Last night she actually spoke to our D14 for 5 min. That is unusual.
I don't know who you have me mixed up with. I'm sure it's hard sometimes to keep one sitch and the other straight in your mind. I can't imagine, if we have joint custody, why there even would be CS payments? If we both have the kids the same amount, don't they wash? Also, part of me believes that my W would rather not have to worry about having her D. That she wants the freedom from that but is afraid of becoming or being seen as being like her dad was with her and her brother. I really think she doesn't want to be bothered by taking her to private school and picking her up. This is why she won't consider it even if my dad paid.
I do believe there is a difference between reality and negative thinking. The reality now is I don't see a way to stop my W from ending this marriage. She has filed and I doubt she won't keep going as her father will keep on her about it. Like I said as long as she has someone pushing her, she will keep going. If her father wasnt there to keep telling her she has to do this or that, she very well may have just let it go. Yes, it's what she wants but I'm telling you from past experience that she has doubts until she has someone who will tell her she is right or OK to do this. She also feels now that she has her dad to be there for her like I have been. She doesn't like feeling alone and now she has him to talk to and get advice from.
I'm off to the lawyer. Oh, it's not easy to find the right lawyer, email or call, wait for call back, etc. I also need to try and work to make money to pay the lawyer. I hope it goes well. Thanks for your thoughts and advice. I do take others advice and have posted about it 25. I have talked about GAL but not 180's.
Tried to edit but was too late....I wanted to add about the part where you tell the kids what ISN'T going to change. That's part of my problem. My D is going to be up rooted from her home at least half the time, will be going to public school for first time ever (the biggest class she ever had was 11 kids!), won't know anyone at her new school and is going into HS, one of the already hardest adjustments to make. Add to that losing the security of an intact family, any other men my W may want to bring into the picture, that my W already is trying to push her into "liking" her grandfather and spending time with him (a man that is mean to her (her words) and all the other changes (will she have her pets? Where and what kind of place will she live?,etc.) and it is going to change her in so many ways. She won't have her sister around either. This worries me!
Matt, your #1 job right now is to proactively protect your daughter and yourself.
W has the pedal to the metal on her Thelma&Louise road trip, and if you don't slow down, FOCUS on job#1 up there, YOU will let her drag YOU and your daughter off the cliff right behind her.
All that diasterinating, mind reading, blaming, explaining, etc etc up there and through most of your posts, here and on others threads? WASTE of YOUR time, YOUR energy, YOUR mental processes to do job #1. Which is? Proactively protect your daughter and yourself.
There will lots of time in the future to to ruminate on all that, please put it aside for now, it'll keep. Please focus on job #1:
Quote:
I'm going to suggest where ALL your mental effort should be placed at the moment, imo.
-Finding a lawyer -Finding a job/income -Asking parents to help with the finances -Your daughters -Getting your own checking account.
You need to focus man... on what NEEDS to be done in reality, laser sharp focus... RIGHT THE HECK NOW... your daughters are too important to be spinning wheels and energy elsewhere.
Your W and FIL are NOT on the above list.
What steps need to be taken to accomplish the above?
I'm gonna be blunt here...
If you do not get control of your emotions and thoughts, I am afraid your W is going to take you and your daughter right over the edge of the cliff with her.
And if she does, that's on YOU.
Not W, not FIL...YOU buddy.
Are YOU going to allow that to happen?
It's really up to you... YOU control only you, your thoughts, feelings and actions.
Time is short, please pull up your boots and get control of you and get going on job #1...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
LISTEN to T here...we're all saying the same thing here and T's put it in a clear, concise way in order for you to truly grasp what MUST be done at your end.
Matt, your #1 job right now is to proactively protect your daughter and yourself.
W has the pedal to the metal on her Thelma&Louise road trip, and if you don't slow down, FOCUS on job#1 up there, YOU will let her drag YOU and your daughter off the cliff right behind her.
All that diasterinating, mind reading, blaming, explaining, etc etc up there and through most of your posts, here and on others threads? WASTE of YOUR time, YOUR energy, YOUR mental processes to do job #1. Which is? Proactively protect your daughter and yourself.
There will lots of time in the future to to ruminate on all that, please put it aside for now, it'll keep. Please focus on job #1:
Quote:
I'm going to suggest where ALL your mental effort should be placed at the moment, imo.
-Finding a lawyer -Finding a job/income -Asking parents to help with the finances -Your daughters -Getting your own checking account.
You need to focus man... on what NEEDS to be done in reality, laser sharp focus... RIGHT THE HECK NOW... your daughters are too important to be spinning wheels and energy elsewhere.
Your W and FIL are NOT on the above list.
What steps need to be taken to accomplish the above?
I'm gonna be blunt here...
If you do not get control of your emotions and thoughts, I am afraid your W is going to take you and your daughter right over the edge of the cliff with her.
And if she does, that's on YOU.
Not W, not FIL...YOU buddy.
Are YOU going to allow that to happen?
It's really up to you... YOU control only you, your thoughts, feelings and actions.
Time is short, please pull up your boots and get control of you and get going on job #1...
okay so THIS is a 2 x 4...