Life's a Picnic

[bustingout]

Thank you Bright. I agree that there would be less anxiety if H actually disgusted me. And thank you for your continued words of support. I know there is not much to say to my posts because its been SLOW in real time. lol. THE MLC clock is different than ours...

Sometimes I think it would have been 'easier' to be disgusted, hateful and angry towards him but then I know that I would have become an angry, hateful and disgusting human being myself. I would have radiating those characteristics in all of my relationships and in myself.

This path is 'harder' but I would not change it for anything.

I have a question. Quick recap: as you know, H has been 'better' for lack of a better word. Communication is still getting easier between us and there is talk of a possible future where we are all together as a family. He is not as dismissive as me like in the past years, he is kinder, but its almost without emotion still. Like the kindness you would show a far relative or a neighbor.

I remain myself. I am happy with my life, I am making my own plans, decisions, as much as possible I am living in the now, and I continue to practice and utilise my new-learned skills that I have learned over the past couple of years. I am kind to him, upbeat, etc etc.

However....

Without provocation from him. I feel more and more resentment about the past that I thought I had dealt with and let go of. I feel like I have moved forward, I feel so strong and rid of the past. Yet more and more, I find myself having flashes of memories of things he said in the last, the lies, the OW, the hurt. And I get angry.

I quickly work through it and find my center again. But why is this happening? I feel like I am almost sabotaging any small progress. H has not apologized for anything. Neither to me or the kids. He has not acknowledged the pain or hurt. I don't expect it, however I wonder if I can authentically try and build something with him, without it.

Would it and does it matter if he does? If i have moved on from the past. If his actions prove feelings that he does not know how to express...does it matter?