Thanks all for replying. I'm having a really tough day. It started with the conversation from H this morning. He called because he needed money from our joint savings account (which is supposed to be mine now, but we both added money to it for D7's summer camp) because it was a "tight week" for him. Interesting given that he dug up the money for the $300 filing fee last week. Good to see that he has priorities straight. He told me that he was short on money because his mom asked him to borrow money (which has NEVER happened in 14 years). Stupidly, I asked if she knew about our sitch. That's when he told me that he told her a couple of weeks ago. It just feels like yet another thing that is changing that was/is important to me. Like labug hinted at above, though, my sister is encouraging me to call my MIL if it means that much to me, so I think I'll call her on my way to work tomorrow.
I'm going to work on rereading DR tonight. I think I need a refresher. I've not been consistent, especially since H filed. As an example, tonight I asked H if he would consider attending Retrovaille, which is being offered at the end of the month in my area. He said he would consider it, but emphasized that didn't mean he was definitely saying yes. I emailed him the information. What's done is done, so I won't bring it up again. If he responds that he's willing to go, I'll register.
I'm struggling a lot. I don't know how to get past these feelings of failure. I don't just feel like a failure as a wife, but as a mom, too; I never wanted my D to grow up in a broken home like I did. When my mind isn't on that, it's on various other topics...like how in the world I'm ever going to be intimate with someone else. I decided a long time ago that my H would be the last person I kissed or with whom I would ML and the loss of that dream is devastating. I know, rationally, that I won't be celibate forever, but I don't see yet how I'll develop the level of comfort I had with my H. After this kind of rejection, I'm not sure how to ever be that vulnerable with someone else.
On the bright side, people are already easing the worry of how I'll meet someone else. One friend from work would love to set me up with her brother when I'm ready. Another said this today, When you get to the point when you're ready to start dating, I know someone I think you would hit it off with. He's my boyfriend's childhood friend. He's really tall...
And another random thought...my H always said he only wanted one child. I always pictured myself having more. He did not change his mind after we had our D. I can say, honestly, that I love our little family and don't harbor any resentment over not having another baby. I've never tried to pressure him into having another child. In fact, a few years ago, I said to him after we witnessed a mom struggling with her three kids, You know, I'm really OK with having an only child. I didn't think I would be, but I really am. Yet, now, I find myself thinking, if this doesn't work out, I want to find someone who wants another child and I want to have one. Then, I think that I better move quickly (bad idea, I know) so that I can have that hypothetical baby before I'm 36. And, then, I think, D7 doesn't want a sibling. She's very adamant about wanting to stay an only child. How is it going to make her feel if I have a baby with another man? After all that, I think, It would just be better if my M works out and I don't have to worry about any of this other stuff. I know I'm putting the cart way ahead of the horse, but does any of that make sense? Now that I typed it out, it kind of looks like the ramblings of a madwoman to me.
Today, I'm really missing my H. And it's probably TMI, but I really miss the physical side of our relationship.
